BobbyDigitalis

This is for myself, as much as any others whom care to relate. What an ironic, scary, sad thing to recieve more support from an internet forum, full of strangers, with no obligation to care or advise someone they don't know, instead of those at their place of employment. It's heartbreaking, the only solace being the realization being the world does still hold such kind people. I just finished my med pass, after being on my feet since 1815. Fifteen till midnight now. I just finished my pass. I'm spent. Some residents are made at me for being late with their senna and lipitor. The newly "promoted" nurse on the other side has not come over to check on me and my 43, not once. Eye contact about 2 hours ago, putting something under the admin door, shfuffling away to the land of 14, my head hurts, she was done with her pass hours ago. It's not supposed to be like this, I thought. isn't nursing to be a "team sport"? Outside of evidenced from this forum, all I hear are promises of support and commradery, yet all it seems is that many don't look out for others and you get nothing adventagous for doing so anyways, so what's the point. I used to help this side, at least with charting, because I know the workload. I orientated her. She came out on top. It's hard to not resent this situation, your employer, your occupation and your future when you continue to have nights like this. The other nurse is supposed to help the LTC nurse with their pass. I've always been told that. And seen it. I'm the only one to go the LTC by himself. Rarely I'll get help, last week I did once, because a nurse was orientating the new one. But now that it's back to a pair of LVNs again, I don't see any assistance in my future. And that hurts. And makes me want to quit. Indefinetely. God I hope this is only an outlying dataset, a small sliver of the dark side of nursing. Most nights arent like this, some are, some arent. "You're the only one that stays while they take their meds, to make sure...everyone else just leaves it bedside." An aide told me that, as I asked him if I were a bad nurse or slow or cant cut it, earlier. "They split it up usually too. Jen will finish Tiffany's pass, Debbie will come over and help Dawn, but you never seem to get help and that's not right". It's not. I don't know how I could handle it better before, I wasn't any faster, I guess it's just the perfect storm of *** going awry that puts you so behind. And you forget those nights when you have 4 off and a fresh paycheck to "recover". But I didn't think nursing was to be this lonely and hopeless. Just feels like a vaccum of repedative bs; fake promises, no apprecition, false smiles and almost a competetition, rather than collaboration amongst colllegues. It's hard t be optomistic about doing (and paying) for an RN bridge, this night has reminded me that much. These places and experinces are what makes bad nurses, I feel. I don't want to become that and never have. You get little (here, at least) for being true to yourself and striving to be the best you can be. Thanks for helping me. You didn't have to. It's painfully maddening, in contrast, when someone was supposed to give help (or should be morally obligated to) and only does as little as they can, to appease their role, so they can play angry birds or facebook chat. (I realize I took time to type this, but, writing is cathartic for me, and, for once, I took a 10. Nothing else could slow me down anymore tonight.)

These responses from you all, my peers (more experienced and versed than I) absolutely make me want to cry (again), out of gratitude. Thank you for helping me to feel better, to keep want to trying, and to not think that I am unable. I'm at an impasse right now; most places around where I'm at are home health or corrections (which are very competitive, looking for exp). Every other SNF is owned by the same monstrosity, and they're all like this one, just with different paint. I'm looking and applying to RN bridges which is frustrating because my pre-reqs are beginning to expire and CA is very competitive for schooling. Trying not to get my hopes set on it any time soon, which...isn't how I pictured bridging. My DON texted me, to which I responded, at length, about how I felt. "I'm glad you could express your feelings, let's keep the lines of communication open". No apology, no admission of fault, only a "just checking in on you." I loved my old DON. She was one of the only reasons I stayed there, up until she got canned. She made me feel so good, as a nurse and a person. I told this DON that I will speak with her pre-nurses meeting, and that I want my yearly eval. I don't know how much of raise to demand, but I know how much travel nurses make and...continually makes me think about LTC travel (even NOCs perhaps). I'm not belated to think that I'm experienced enough in acute to travel, but perhaps I could do LTC and make more money than they'll offer and just...clear my head and have a new experience. I doubt I'll get into a bridge anytime soon and not having a job will play hell on my depression; I certainly don't want to job hop either. I keep telling myself that I'm done after I get my year exp in 2 weeks and I keep coming back, almost undecidedly, for comfort and liking who I work with (mostly) as well as the residents (mostly). I know the procedures and am not as wide-eyed and shaking with anxiety as I was when I started. It worries me because I see so many nurses, who get complacent and comfortable where they are and just stay; at our place there are remarkable LVNs who've been there for years. They've never moved on or up. They're comfortable. And, new management aside, so am I (for the most part). When it's my Friday, I'm usually so zombified and relieved to have days off that I spend my time half-***-edly applying and looking towards the future. I know I need to press on, proactively, just gotta put more time and heart into it and not let my week work week prior prevent me from looking into nursing stuff; I tend to only want to unplug on my off-days, which, I guess is one of the things that makes me truly feel like I'm becoming a real nurse. I can't express my gratitude and love for you all enough, truly. I tend to ramble and repeat, it means so much that you'd read my words, offer up empathy and help me feel better about myself and my chances.

One of the more frustrating things, I've found, is being critiqued (or lack of and just changed) by a higher-up who doesn't know the floor, or, even how to administrate. With a resident discharge I had somethings that I needed to be able to tell the family, so I asked the DON, and she didn't even know how to get this info. In the end, I looked incompetent, which is justified I guess because I'm "new", yet she's been an RN for decades and with corporate for years. It showed that I was trying my hardest, instead of pawning off or accepting no answer as an answer, but it didn't matter in the end. At some places it seems you get absolutely nothing for being a hard worker, it's all the same playing field, no recognition or appreciation, just stethoscopes with pulses. Makes me so resentful.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not overreacting, I'm pretty sensitive, which might not be perfect for a profession like, but thank you all the same, especially for including me as one of "us". I'm so new, it still feels like I'm just looking in as an uninitiated outsider.

My preceptor told me I'd be perfect for ICU because my attention and writing, thank you, that means a lot! I'm still only an LPN so I have to get to that RN bridge, which I'm finding is easier said than done, but your suggestion makes me have hope.

Very much so, yes, always been a perfectionist, which, only recently am I learning that it's a negativism and not a compliment. Still trying to be able to handle not meeting my expectations without so much damage to myself. I will look it up for sure, thanks for the recommendation. At times I think I may have chosen the wrong field for someone that has such a problem dealing with perceived failures. That's funny, I was just told the same thing while being consoled by my aDON. Not being able to trust anyone any longer there really doesn't feel good, makes me want to get out asap even more, which, hopefully I can do. And it was only a staffing need to put me back as they have been working since the end of march on switching over the other NOC to mornings, so tells me that nurse. Wouldn't have been so insultingly painful had they told me then and actually had a process of getting me back on nights, instead of 4 days. Thanks for the words

Thank you. I can hear your words. Hopefully that day comes sooner rather than later. Thank you...so very much.

Wow, I can't thank you all for the supportive insight. Today was the end of my workweek on back on nights. It was awkward but I mustered through. Everyone was supportive and so, "awe that's bs, don't worry you're great", aside from the nurse that orientated me, she said absolutely nothing as she dropped off meds or faxed labs (you could pick up on her disdain for me, another nurse commented). On Monday the aDON was waiting for me at the lobby to check in on me and we talked in her office and she knew exactly where I was at and was nothing but kind and empathetic. She knew that I "got the raw end of the deal", and thanked me for "stepping up for us". The aDON is on a cart a lot (out of need), while the DON and administrator only see the floor when they need to see what they stepped in, so it was nice she talked to me and I am so spitefully resentful to have been "punished" by the other 2, who've never seen me nurse. The aDON said that "eventually I want all NOCs to go to AMs and we'll get registry [whom we'll pay sooooooooo much more than you] to come in and go to NOC, that's what I want, just give me time". I like her a lot but I can't trust anyone there, which is a horrible feeling. This week I had 41 residents and only because 3 were LOA. It was so much more difficult, doing NOC, than I remember. There's more anxiety then I remember, hoping that nothing bad happens for 12 hours. And now I feel like a tired, angry, stumbling bottle of nyquil. So I'm working on my resume, have interest in some jobs on indeed, and (selfishly, perhaps) am looking at some travel agencies. Thank you all, so very much. My desire to be a nurse was tested and I'm still filling in the bubbles after erasing some. I suppose this is to be expected sometimes in healthcare (most certainly in LT"C"). But when you look around and see strangers try and help you out and bring you back up, it really reinstates how wonderful the souls of many of the nurses out there are.

And something that I can't shake either; "you need to work on your time management"...How am I to do that, without feedback or advice, at 3 am, with now...triple the residents? You're bs'ing me, with no intention to ever put me back on days, to learn or try harder. Plus the nurse that I think said something, I texted her soon after, thanking her for helping and that I was sorry, and she said, "don't feel bad. Take this as a learning experience". Not sure how she knew what "this" was, I didn't say I was going back to NOC. And more to the point, the only thing I learned was that I'm not good enough for AMs and that, I...never wanna feel like this again.

Thank you, for all that you said. It still feels impossible to pick myself up, I go back to NOC tomorrow night and feel, changed. I wouldn't be nearly as distraught as I am, had I not known that the need they have was and is (now) on AMs. I'm going back to the LTC side, where I started, and the newer NOC nurse on LTC is going to orientate on acute NOC and then go take my spot on AM. She also got the 5k$ sign on bonus that none of us loyal nurses got. I had tenure over her, she does have more acute experience, granted, but I was given that shift because how good I was doing, belief in me, a chance to learn. I've been there a year (in 2 weeks), she's been there for maybe 3 months. I think it was the nurse that was "training" me that complained about me, she never liked me, resented my slowness and having to learn, "why were you here until 8, what more do I have to do to help you?" It was her AM shift originally, so they moved her over to "supervisor"; she never helped me, she wasn't even at the station, she wasted narcs and did admit stuff, occasionally coming over, begrudgingly, "how are you doing?" I had a fall that day, a bad one (only my 3rd in a year) and she was only at the station because the NP was there and she liked to kiss ***...I was talking with the ADON in her office about a new admit and the nurse comes running around, "YOU JUST HAD A FALL!" I'll never forget that. "You" just had a fall. Later that day I was demoted or whatever. I'm just trying to make it to the year mark for resumes sake. I'm so angry and upset that I don't think I can make it a day past what I need for a resume, even if I don't have a job secured. This one has taken a lot out of me, not just from this, but from the constant switching back of shifts, and now, back on NOC, with this pt load, I'm more scared than ever, for my license. Thank you for saying I sound like a good nurse. I...really am. I know I am. But this is showing me how people become jaded, give minimum effort, don't try the way others try, don't care and all because...at the end of the day...does it really matter, your work ethic or type of nurse you are? Doesn't seem to, money and treatment wise.

Please, anyone, I'm so distraught and at an impasse with what to do or how to feel. I'm a new LVN, been at a SNF for about 9 months now. I started on NOC, petrified, with 52 residents to myself and 3 aides. Yet I made it through. I became able at NOC; an "amazing nurse", as claimed by residents, nurses and aides. 3 months ago my old DON asked me to switch to AM. I knew the main reason was staffing need, but she peppered that with prideful reassurance of my ability. "I know you're scared, it's a big change, but if anyone here can do it, I know that'd be you!" Adding on, "you know, AMs don't come around often, think of the experience you'll get, it'll help you grow as a nurse". I still turned her down, thrice, but, eventually caved, as she kept vocalizing her badgering belief in me. So I started on AMs. It was so very stressful, but...I began getting it, and eventually liking it. 14 residents compared to 52, I could talk with the providers, deal with families, therapy, dietary, felt like I was growing and learning so much. I was gaining real confidence as a nurse, believing in my future. Last week the administrator and DON called me in to talk. "We feel as though you've plateaued with regards to your progress on AMs and we just think it'd be better for you right now to go back to NOC". I was so caught off guard I didn't say much; I felt (and still do) like I did something terribly wrong. The main reasoning for reverting is that my "time management still needs work". I stayed after report regularly to finish, though many do. I was never given input or expectations on my time management, never given feedback or offered further support. They want me to go back to the LTC side too; guess they don't trust me on acute at all. And now, I feel utterly broken. I'm so embarrassed, resentful, and ashamed of how inadequate a nurse I feel I am. I voiced this in the meeting, through my tears, and was assured that was not the case and that I'm wonderful, nursing was my calling and, "If we didn't want you here, we wouldn't have you here". I don't know what to believe, I feel as though I have no real job security, belief or chances to learn now. I'm sure most will advise me to quit, which, I'm very much considering, but I'm not sure I'll get a new job easily, and shun looking for one. I'm so close to having that 1-year exp under my belt, for RN bridges and better jobs, and they own every SNF in my area. I don't even know if I want to stay in nursing after this. I'm so sad, so scared and defeated. But at my age with my qualifications, it's technically my best way to earn a living. I'm a real hot mess. Thanks for listening. Anything, really, anything, just to get out of my own head, would be so appreciated. EDIT: I don't mean to come off sounding as if AM is > NOC. Both are challenging in their own rites. I'm upset because I was given praise and belief, only to not live up to that, and, it hurts, that I put myself in this position. Now I'm so unsure on how to go back to where I was prior, or even if I should.

Actively looking for other jobs, it's very depressing TBH. As disappointed as I am that all my work and effort has lead me here, I'm even more anxious about actually finding a new nursing job, with such little experience, as an LVN. This corporation owns every LTC around here. I just don't want to do LTC any more, although, it seems that's all I may be qualified for. I can't. It's making me jaded, hopeless, a bad nurse, everything I don't want. I can't stand the drama. The entitlement. The horrible work ethic of most aides and some nurses; which doesn't seem to matter, the high ups only care about having somebody show up for work. If a pulse could carry a stethoscope they'd put it on 4 12's. Tomorrow is my Monday. On my Fri of last week the oncoming nurse chastised me at the station, "there were a couple meds I found last week that you didn't pass..." The other nurse "helped" me on my 0600 pass, yet again. I'm not looking forward to going in tomorrow. The atmosphere is so depressing. It's such a high workload, I never take a breath and still barely finish. It's surreal typing that because I've been here so short and leaving cuts off many avenues for me. But I just don't like this. I've gained no confidence as a nurse. No ability. No positive outlook for the future. Jumping to a bridge would be an easy go-to right now, which I can afford, but...part of me is wondering if this is for me. If I want to invest any more time for it to work out like this. Thanks for listening and advising.

When I first thought about this, I didn't really seem motivated/worried. The DON seems amazing and supportive, I like her a lot. Get along with most of the nurses. I know the residents now. It's getting more "comfortable". And yet...what you say speaks to me. I wish it were that easy to leave and find a new-new job. I still don't know many of the important procedures (like sending someone out, which we had to do a week ago, on the medicare wing with 6 residents, with the registry nurse that doesn't know anything or care at all. Fun fact: she makes exponentially more money than me, is incredibly lazy, takes multiple smoke breaks and steals my aides to go with her, she's a bad nurse). I did most of the paperwork that I don't know how to do for her, as she sent him out. She proudly didn't know the procedures much more than me, nor was she caring that she didn't. She was told to help me with my 2000 pass (which I don't love, you cant have 2 nurses on a cart, just let me learn and gain my efficacy). The last 2 days there was a narc count error on the side she passed on. I told her I don't want her help, now she's very pouty. Another nurse on that side, RN, helped on a pass a while ago, and he also forgot to sign out a med. They act like it's no big deal. Nobody cares. It's like it didn't happen. The only 2 nurses I know (from school), trust and rely on just put in their notice last night. They're going to a bridge program. Not 24 hours later the ADON texted me asking if I could pick up days in July. I was gonna ask for time off, because Im getting burnt out. I told her "we'll talk", and she gave me a thank you reply, as if I agreed to something. Snuck on 2 days for me last month already. With the departure of these 2 nurses, we now have...4 NOC nurses, 2 of which exclusively work the Medicare side (because of preference). I have learned things though and I'm thankful I can at least walk the walk in many regards. But...and it scares and saddens me to think about this, I realize I need to take your advice and seek another avenue, fast. I'm a hard worker and a good nurse, I know that much, yet there's bad nurses (and aides especially) that don't work and the difference between us types is nothing. No praise for work ethic and devotion, no shunning for the opposite. It's so depressing. It's turning me off to nursing in general, if I may. I originally envisioned an RN in pedes, not this, and yet I know I'm so far away from that, wondering daily if it's worth it to try to get there. Sorry for the diatribe. Just wanted to get some stuff out. Thanks for the advice, I read you 5 x 5. Just wish it wear easier/quicker to implement. It's nice being employed and having the LVN badge, and honestly, from what I've seen, I'm not too worried about them throwing me under the bus or anything (we already had state survey, where things went amazing for 3 days and then were quickly back to a joke). I'm more realizing how much it burns you out and how little respect I get, and am taken advantage of, as a new, enthusiastic, hard working nurse. It really saddens me.

TriciaJ, I think I am too! Finished lastnights pass by 10, which is a big improvement for me, you get in a rhythm and you get hyper focused. My DON asked me to pop in before I lest and told me I was doing really well, she's read my charting and I have no issues. I told her my medpass time and she got wide-eyed and said she usually goes 30 mins past that. I almost cried. I put a lot of pressure on myself to try and be perfect and...it's not a good thing. Only thing aside from time management, the computer system and lethargy come 0300 I need to develop is managing the aides. I'm new and most of them are very young, lazy and walk while looking at their phones, so they don't miss something. I'm new so they think they can push me over (which is kinda my personality) and take advantage of me, so I need to assert myself very quickly. I shouldn't have to take my own premed vitals, and even my DON told me that there's some bad eggs and "if you don't trust your aide taking vitals [because some of them write fake vitals] then you can do it yourself". Guess I'll have to start throwing down the hammer, which, my god do we wear a lotta hats, LOL. Thanks so much for making me feel confident and happy! Not every nurse is as kind and experienced as you. It's a warm blanket and a full moon.

TriciaJ, I'm certainly not afraid of asking questions, though sometimes it just doesnt stick and I'll have to ask again, even after taking multiple notes. This assimilation of everything at once, especially for an older fella like me, it's hard. I do believe I'm getting better at things, knowing (and remembering!) routines, slowly, albeit surely. The corner-cutting is real, my god; things like giving meds 3 hours early, simply not giving meds for whatever reason, giving PRNs without the residents asking, because it, "makes my night easier". I'm a good person, and maybe not a good (fast/capable/confident) nurse yet, but seeing some of this stuff and how it passes muster...it breaks my heart and is frankly scary. Not focusing on the minutiae is helping. I just want to be safe, the residents healthy and be ready for AM on time, not to make their day harder. It's still the what-ifs that get to me, the resident emergencies that I haven't had and would panic in that situation. They took down my days from 3 to 2 next month (without telling me), which I'm okay with, a lower workload will be nice for a minute. Just kinda brings me down in some regard, I guess they don't think I'm ready yet, but they've done this with none of my fellow recent grads. Admin has been nothing but complementary and confident and encouraging. They live by the whole 'trial by fire/get on in there' thing, I've rarely seen them adjust to slower pace with someone. I tell myself "you're doing fine, you're not doing that bad at all" and it's hard to maintain when I ponder the reasons for already cutting my hours. Thanks for your encouragement and advice again!