ShellBee11

I am 28 years old. I worked as a medical technologist for the last three years in a hospital. So, I knew the hospital scene before starting as a nurse. However, I had zero nurse experience other than my clinical. I suffer from mild anxiety that I thought I had under control. In the last few years, I only had a handful of panic attacks. I knew nursing would be a lot more work but the stress has been so bad. I work on a trauma, orthopedic, med-surg floor. Our management is awful and we have some poor nurse leaders. I have made zero friends in my four months there and I've tried. My real stress started after I had to do CPR on a patient. I hated it so much. It triggered my one big fear in life, dying. Just typing this I feel an anxiety attack brewing. I go into work and try my best but nothing ever seems like enough. The patients hate us and they are so mean. This is my third career change, my boy-friend and I just moved in with each other, and the money is good. I am so afraid that I hate nursing because I need the money. I have been picking up overtime but I think I'm experiencing burnout. Nursing is forcing me to feel all kinds of feelings I've avoided in my own life and I don't know what to do with it all. I would love to talk to a counselor or a doctor about my anxiety but I am so afraid they will try to put me on meds or it will get back to my job. I'm not suicidal but maybe a little depressed. I thought I would love it but now I'm just afraid of dying early in my life because the stress kills me. I am working on my BSN and have wanted to get my NP but I am so disgusted with everything I want to give up on that dream too. I'm smart and capable. I'm just so stressed and overwhelmed. I wish I never would have had to do CPR on that patient. I think I would have been fine otherwise.