Nursing for me?

[JenniferABeard]

I'll try to make a long story short. I graduated nursing school with an Associates in Registered Nursing Dec 2008. The whole time I was and am still employed by a major HMO hospital. I had always assumed I was going to have no problem landing an RN job at work. Boy was I wrong. With the whole economy going down I was unable to attain a new grad position at work and don't count on it from here on out. In the mean time I finally landed a RN job at a long term nursing home Dec 10. I got married September 2010 so after having no luck at all trying to find a RN job way before I started my wedding planning I then waited till after my wedding to search again.

Finally attained a RN job at a nursing home Dec 2010 and am still working there. I absolutely hate it. I hate it so much if I don't cry at work, I cry on my way home from work. I'm amazed at how the others I work with stay sane. And I try to tell myself if they can do it, so can I. I have been off training for about a month now and I still feel so lost. Trying to pass out up to 25 resident's their meds, doing 2 or more "weekly summaries" (a through write up/narrative on a particle resident's status including med changes, psych evaluation spread sheet, rehap progress, etc), and up to 2 or more admits, along with any work that may need to be done related to change of condition or a fall or what have you seems unbearable. At the end of my shift 9 out of 10 times I haven't even started my charting. And when this does occur my charting is so awful because I'm just doing the bare minimum to just get the hell out of there. If I have an admission or a weekly summary I must do, along with them I have to do a skin assessment. If I find a skin tear or anything wrong on their body I must to a treatment plan. If I'm not a treatment nurse (which I'm not) I have the slightest idea what to do to their wounds/skin tears etc. I work mostly at night so the treatment nurse has already left by the time I need to seek their advice. And the only other individual that can remotely help me (and has the most time to) is the admissions nurse which I do NOT get along with. This individual talks to me in a demeaning manor. If I ask him a question which happened recently when I had to send someone to the ED he responds back with an unhelpful answer. He said to me, "Remember the time you were on orientation and you had to send someone out to the ED....". I simply asked him a yes or no question. I do not need to be harnessed further about what I should know already. If I did know the answer to my question I wouldn't have asked. This individual is scheduled many nights as Supervisor. I do not feel comfortable going to him for help. He belittles many with the way he speaks to individuals I work with. A long time ago when I was working the chart for the very first time he was hounding me so much about what I should and should not be doing I exploded. I take criticism well but I do not take it well when I get no feedback in what I should be doing instead. I wish I could just video tape a typical day where I work and how this individual speaks to others. I just can't describe it. And to make matters worse the new DON I hear is related to him. I'm not for certain but If there is a chance it's right I sure don't want to address my situation with this individual to her.

Based on my only experience as a nurse at this nursing home I can honestly say I hate nursing. And this kills me. I've worked my ass off to get the grades I got in my prereq classes to get into nursing school. And I did amazing in nursing school. I love helping people. I just feel so lost. And to make matters worse I just was informed I got accepted to an online RN to BSN program. My question to myself is, Do I continue my education in nursing if I have this attitude towards nursing? I've been crying and been depressed about my situation for a very long time now. I'm 28 years old and all I wanted right now is to be done with school and be settled in my job status so I could start a family with my husband. I have no zest for life right now. I wish I was an acute experienced nurse in a hospital right now so I could move on to the next chapter in my life. I hate this job so much I feel like vomiting every night before I work the next day. I hate, hate, hate this individual that makes my life a living hell. I want to be as good as all the rest of the nurses I work with but how can I if the only thing that's on my mind is when the hell I can go home. I don't even have the energy or want to learn right now at this job. I'm trying to be positive but it's so hard. It's sooooo hard. I'm not going to even proof read what I have written so pardon any typos or non sense I've written. I did e-mail the lady that is a professor where I'm going to be attending school about my thoughts and she has given me some insight, so I've decided to accept the offer. Here is our conversation... I'm Jennifer, she is Jenny.

Jennifer I am a little surprised to not hear from you about being accepted into the RN-BSN program at Chico State. You seemed so anxious to get in this summer. If you have changed your mind, that's fine I just need to know so I can move down the waiting list in a timely manner. Jenny

Hello Jenny,

I'm sorry to have not responded back to you with my answer sooner. With much thinking I've decided to accept my admission. I say with much thinking because I've had so much weighing on my mind about my whole nursing career. I currently work at a nursing home and everything about a nursing home is not the ideal picture I had for myself in my nursing career. I still struggle everyday at this job and it's overwhelming...to a point I second guess myself, and I say to myself, "if I can't handle this am I going to be able to handle being a nurse anywhere?". I think I have a tendency to over think things, I know I shouldn't base my experience at a nursing home on what nursing is like on a whole. I'm just so unhappy where I'm at I'm scared to think nursing is like that anywhere. I know you didn't need know any of this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest. And this is why I've delayed answering...

So I'm pursuing. And I'd like to continue my education. In hopes to change things at where I'm at today.

Jennifer it sounds as though you are ready for a change and furthering your education can often be the impetus for that. It is totally OK to share your feelings. I'm glad you are saying yes. I hope you don't base your decisions and feelings about nursing on one job, there is a lot out there and more education is always a good thing no matter what you decide to do in the future. I have already forwarded your name for admission, so you can apply soon, get your official transcripts sent as soon as possible and we will get your application process. I'm glad I emailed and that you have made a decision, welcome to the program! For now you just need to concentrate on the university admission. The budget hasn't been finalized and the courses are not ready for registration. Set aside June 3 12-4 for orientation. Let me know if you have more questions. Also Jennifer I'm trying to get a complete list of contact details for incoming students and I don't have a phone number for you, so if you could provide that, that would be great. Again, email me with any questions/concerns. Jenny

[QueenCityNurse]

Hi Jennifer.

I am sooo sorry that you are feeling this way but I just want to tell you that you are not alone and to stay encouraged. A lot of nurses feel exactly the same way that you are feeling. In fact, I was feeling it a couple of years ago. I was completely miserable (feel free to read one of my posts...lol). Try to hang in there with your current job until you find something else. Keep searching for other jobs everyday. Are you in a position to look for jobs outside of your immediate area and possibly commute? The nursing home is a tough place.......I have been there. As far as that individual who isn't being nice to you, you are going to find them just about everywhere you go. For some reason, many experienced nurses forget what it was like to be a new nurse. I'm not sure what advice to give you about that situation other than to talk to him about the way he is making you feel.

Please continue your education. Once you find and get settled into the right job, your love for nursing will come back. My first job out of nursing school was with adults in a hospital setting......I absolutely hated it and was strongly considering changing careers. I was even looking for warehouse jobs at one point because I hated nursing sooo much. I now work in NICU.....love it and can honestly see myself retiring from NICU. I love nursing again.....wouldn't know what else I would want to do. In time, I hope that you feel this way too. Good luck and keep us updated!

[Kenaldo]

This looks like am the one who posted this story. Whatever is happening to you, is happening to me too. I have decided to make that individual who makes my life hell invisible. I decided to go back to the hospital as a CNA until an RN position becomes available because i just cant handle the stress. Hang in there those, we shall reach the shore