Nursing as a calling...is it mine?

[birdyberb]

I am a sophomore nursing student at a Jesuit university and I am in the direct entry program, meaning I have been taking nursing classes since the beginning of freshman year. Last year we took a class outlying different careers in nursing, responsibilities of nurses, etc, and that is when I realized I really didn't enjoy learning about the human body. Last year, I took Anatomy and Physiology first and second semester, respectively, and I could not stand them. It was a whole bunch of technical jargon, and my brain honestly does not work that way. I enjoyed my other classes (theology, literature, writing) so much more, and got A's in them, as opposed to my B's in the nursing classes and not enjoying them one bit. A few girls in my nursing classes said they would rather study a lot in their nursing classes to get a B than to study a lot for their other classes to get an A.

Yes, I do realize that those classes do not show me what real nursing is supposed to be like. And before anyone asks, I have shadowed nurses before. I shadowed a younger nurse on an oncology floor and a middle-aged nurse on a telemetry floor. Both of them loved their jobs, and loved the people they were working with, so I did have a good experience with those shadowing opportunities.

Over the summer, I decided that I would give nursing one more semester, and really try my hardest not to think about other majors or career ideas, and discern whether nursing really was for me. When I came back to school, I had a Lifespan class (study of the human psyche throughout the lifespan), Nutrition, and Microbiology. While I did enjoy somewhat enjoy the learning in these fields since I was actually applying what I was learning to actual scenarios and actual people, I still was not completely comfortable with the idea of being a nurse for my entire life.

Over winter break, I was genuinely excited to come back to school, because we would be taking a health assessment class, and start practicing essential techniques on each other. On the day of my very first lab, I immediately started doubting everything again. There is so much to learn, so much to know off-hand, so many things that could go wrong due to the incompetency of a nurse. Was I really going to be comfortable with touching people in private areas, would I be able to be there for a person physically/emotionally/spiritually constantly, would I be stressed out about doing something wrong all the time. I am already a nervous person, and I have self-esteem issues. Could that make me a worse nurse because of those things? Would I ever become comfortable enough to overcome my insecurities?

I guess I should also throw out the fact that I have also considered becoming a youth minister. I was extremely involved in my youth group in high school, and I have volunteered on numerous occasions while I have been in college. Even when I was in high school and thinking about nursing as a career, in the back of my mind I have always thought it would be truly wonderful if I could do nursing and be a part-time youth minister, or at the very least volunteer at the youth group constantly. I have always been able to picture myself in that setting--it is a setting where I feel at home, where I feel I can truly be myself and am not intimidated by anything. At the beginning of the semester, I was also invited to apply to be an intern for our Campus Ministry program at my university, and only certain people are invited to apply. Tasks include planning retreats, leading faith formations, and liturgical preparations--which are all things 1) I have much experience in and 2) I absolutely love doing. I was also invited to apply to be a coordinator for our service and justice center at my university, which includes leading service sites in the community and raising awareness of social issues on campus, which you must be invited to apply for this as well. Again, these are all dream opportunities for me, things that I would enjoy putting my time into. Being invited to apply for these opportunities, especially when those who invited me know that I am a nursing student and know that next year, with the beginning of clinicals and rotations, I would realistically not have enough time for the intern positions, has made me think about the potential I have for things other than nursing.

Whenever I think about being a nurse, I can only imagine my life outside of being a nurse, such as working a 12 hour night shift a few times a week thus being able to take care of a family better, or being able to have that extra free time. When I think about nursing in a relief setting, I can only think of myself handing out food, or building houses, or leading a group to learn about the social issues the people are going through. I have thought about being a community health nurse, but when I picture that, I only can picture myself volunteering, and performing care does not come up with that. When I can picture myself as a nurse in a hospital setting, I can only think about how stressful it would be on me, and if I don't know if I would be able to overcome that stress or not. Even from the experience of shadowing I have done, I can't for the life of me picture myself in the shoes of the nurses I shadowed. I am under no illusion that even dream jobs aren't supposed to be stressful, but I do feel that the kind of stress I would be envisioning would alter my physical and mental health. I already dread going to my health assessment lab, I can barely imagine what would happen if that were my career.

I am personally discerning whether what I am feeling right now is due to nerves, or due to my calling being somewhere other than nursing. I know that many nursing students, and even new nurses, doubt themselves and their abilities until they have more experience. But if I am having this much anxiety about my nursing classes now, which is starting to affect my sleep patterns, and I would rather study my core classes, doesn't that factor in as well? I am probably going to finish out this semester in nursing, and actually finish my health assessment lab, then shadow a nurse for five-weeks at the beginning of the summer, to truly figure out if this is something I am willing to go through hell for, and if it will be worth it in the end. I am seriously afraid that I am going to go through this nursing program, get a job as a nurse, and hate it, and then all of my time, energy, and money will be for nothing. Because honestly, what else could I do with a nursing degree? Please, do not tell me there are so many things to do in nursing. I do not want to be behind a desk my entire life. I want to be able to make a difference, to affect change, and I do believe it can be done individually, person by person. I have always wanted to help people--that is the primary reason that I wanted to become a nurse--but there are so many other ways to help people as well.

What I am trying to ask is if anyone out there can give me some advice--if my feelings about nursing are normal and if he or she thinks that I will overcome my doubts in time, or if he or she truly thinks nursing is not for me. I really want to take opinions of people who don't personally know me into account, so that there is no bias on that front. Please help me.

[Annie143]

So... I joined this board not too long ago, several years after your initial post, but I still felt compelled to respond. I really connected with your post- not because I'm questioning the nursing profession, but because I really respect and admire the discernment process that you were going through at the time of writing. I hope that everything worked out for you!