Frustrated

[Pedsnurse7]

I just need to vent and don’t know where else to do it. I’m mad at a whole situation and at myself. I’ve been a nurse for 2 years now, started in a level III nicu, had a brief stint in outpatient, and now am in a level IV nicu at a new hospital. I did well on orientation, for me the biggest changes were the types of patient (higher acuity which I love) but really the hardest transition has just been different policies and ways of doing things. My orientation was cut short because of my previous experience so I only saw a few things once. 

I worked the other night and had to do a skill I only did once or twice before, so another nurse was doing the same thing and I asked if I could watch her so I didn’t have to look at a computer screen step by step and take longer. I knew what to do, but I am paranoid and like to triple check. This nurse has been on my unit for a little less than 2 years so essentially, has similar experience to me. She was totally welcoming to letting me watch, but this turned into an invitation to be my fake preceptor for the night. Every time I needed a double sign off for a med, she basically drew it up for me and was signing into her own login and having ME be the second, my other patient was withdrawing (which I was explicitly told in report she wasn’t so that was also pretty frustrating) and every time I would go walk over this other nurse was at her bedside consoling her, telling me how to do things for babies withdrawing, questioning why I wanted to give her a dose of morphine, etc., so much so that I started to second guess my own judgment and got way more frustrated than I needed to with the baby. I already don’t do great with NAS kids because they stress me the F out, never did, but when I go into it with the right mindset and prepared I’m a little more centered. My other patient was also super acute and I couldn’t be with my NAS baby as much because I was worried about the intubated one who was also not having a great night. 
 

I don’t even know what the point of this is, but I feel like a god awful nurse. I did wind up giving the baby morphine, but only after a third nurse mentioned it was probably a good idea which just made me feel stupid because I knew she needed it 2 hours before. And it worked out because she needed an ultrasound about 45 minutes after the dose, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble somehow. IDK how it’s a silly fear, but yeah. If you’ve read this far thank you haha.