Down In the Dump

[Ally09]

Hello fellow nurses I would like get some advice from about my future as a nurse. I would like to start first by giving a little hx. I got into nursing because I have always wanted to help people holistically in my community. I got into a program a couple of years back and was doing so well. I really excelled and was an A student throughout school (both in the classroom and during my clinical rotations). So I thought I was doing well however I had one the nursing instructor ( who I looked up to) come to me and tell me that she rather have a "C" student care for her any day rather than an "A" student. That comment shot me down because I was this "A" student. From that moment on I became very insecure in my abilities as a nurse and questioned rather I was any good enough to be a nurse. I never let it show though, I walked around with this false sense of confidence but deep down inside I was always terrified that I would harm someone because in my mind I was not good enough. Then the day came in my 4th term when I made the mistake. My instructor told everyone at the beginning of the clinicals that if anyone make any mistakes that they were getting kicked out of the nursing program. This added an extra level of fear because I had worked so hard to get to that 4th term. That same day she followed me as I cared for my patients. When I got to my second patient, i walked in the room and called the patient by his name and introduced myself. He answered and we made small talk for a minute, then I told him I was there to give him his medications. After giving his first two meds, he had an insulin dose that was scheduled. At this point I then checked his armband then realized that he was not my patient. I was HORRIFIED!. This mistake has haunted me. The instructor that I had at the time was not supportive and would leave us while she met her boyfriend downstairs daily, so I always felt that I was lost. I am by no means blaming anyone for my mistakes but I feel that if I had had more guidance and support I would not be where I am today. When I graduated from school I felt in my heart that I really didn't deserve to be there on that stage graduating with honors because I had mess up so badly. After school I got a job right after passing the NCLEXN. The job was a home health position in which I worked for two years. I later realized that I was suffering from depression so I quit that job and have not worked now for a year. I still have the passion for nursing and would like to one day get over this fear any advice to give to a novice?

[Talon]

Wow! So very sorry that that was your experience of nursing, beginning in school. However, I can't say that I am surprised; welcome to nursing! Take some small measure of comfort in knowing that many, many nurses have had similar experiences and you are not alone in how you feel and handle this. I hope that you are getting the help that you need for your depression. I've been an RN since 1999 and can tell you that all areas of nursing are stressful for all the reasons you read on the AN forums. You didn't indicate whether you are working in a non-nursing position, but since you still have a desire to practice, maybe some type of a per diem position would be beneficial. It would enable you to take a few shifts here and there to "test the waters" without any pressure of a commitment.

Wishing you the best in your decision.