think it's time to leave nursing...

[nurseorsomething]

This is mostly a vent but I am hoping to hear from any past or present nurses who either have felt this way or have any input on what I am feeling.

I graduated last December and have been working full time since February so I am nearing the one year mark. I have worked in palliative care and inpatient psych this whole time. Both hospital and community setting. I hate my job. I feel so drained all of the time and I don't find it rewarding in any way. I feel that all I get out of my job is the money and for what it is taking out of me I don't think it's worth it anymore. All I feel is depressed and overwhelmed to always be around suffering people, families, patients who hate me or are nasty or are good kind people who have been dealt the *******t cards in life. Ugh even typing this makes me feel that cold numb anxious feeling spreading in my stomach.

I think I knew that nursing wouldn't be a good fit for me way early on in my BScN but I was too afraid to embarrassed to admit it. I went into nursing after wasting 3 years trying to decide a major for m undergrad, first it was undeclared, then english, then psych - by the time I tried nursing I thought I was running out of time and should pick something that would help me secure a future, give me job prospects, etc. I pushed through and hoped it would help me become a more extroverted, confident, "doer" type of person. But I think I am still truly too neurotic, anxious, and introverted to do this job. I excel at independent work where I can take my time, reflect, do lots of editing/revising. I suck at pretty much everything I need to do this job. I feel like I am drowning with the responsibilities that are on my as an RN and I don't feel supported at all by my hospital. I freeze in crisis situations. I feel I function fine and get things done when I need to but I feel all of the time like there is a knife hanging over my head, like it's only a matter of time before something horrible comes up on one of my shifts and I can't deal with it how I need to and everyone will see just how much of a fraud I have been this whole time.

I can't leave the work at work. I cry on and off for probably 24+ hours leading up to my shifts. I cry in the car on my way in and my way out of work. I have been having IBS flare ups and have used up all of my available sick days. I have basically completely withdrawn from my friends and family, I spend all of my time off just zoned out on the couch, trying to numb myself, thinking about horrible things that I have seen, heard and dreading what will come when I am back. I think I finally realize that this is so beyond the normal expected new nurse nerves and anxiety.

I have been talking to a therapist through my work for handling my anxiety for a few months, it has not been very helpful. I feel so depressed I am sure I could be diagnosed but it seems crazy to me to start taking medication if the root cause is a job that is just not a good fit for me.

Can anyone relate to any of this? Thanks for reading. Trying to think of where to go next.

[guest52816]

I don't know where you go next, my dear.

But reading through your vent, I felt as though you needed a friendly shoulder lean on, and here I am.

I completely understand how you feel, and empathize. While I have never cried a full 24-hours prior to a shift, I certainly know all too well, the feeling of DREAD while driving to work.

Is there an area of nursing that you think you might like? If not, that is okay. I am just asking if you have explored all of your options. If you enjoy working independently, maybe home health is an option? How about hospice care, where you visit your patients at home?

Big, big, hug.

Wish you all the best.

[closetoyou21, CNA]

Hey there! I just want to encourage you that all is not lost... If you feel overwhelmed and you don't like your place of employment, it is always best to find what works best for you! Nursing has many disciplines and a change may not be a bad idea!

Also, remember that everything is about perspective and how you view life! The people around you and the environment may never change but as long as your perspective on things remains a positive one you will go far!

Change might not be a bad idea right now! Not sure if you have a spiritual recourse you can turn to outside of work but that can be helpful! In Nursing, we have the ability to change lives for the better! Find positive things about Nursing, pursue professional growth seminars, talk to nurses who love Nursing! In whatever discipline you choose there will always be some aspect of negativity whether it's coworkers or patients, you have to keep it together and seek positivity! Yes, seek positivity because negativity is easy to find!

Stay positive no matter what! God Bless!

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Deep breaths.

Now rethink this. You have that golden one year of experience. There are many things you can do with that. Start with searching the major job boards. I worked from home..you can do it too.

Peace.

[EGspirit]

Given what you've said in your post (and I've read the other comments above mine), but I think you need to not go back to work, not even your next shift. Just call in, and then send in a resignation letter. I think it's time to re-think your career choices, and perhaps go back to college for a different major.

That said, the first year of nursing is extremely stressful. BUT...most people who want to be nurses, while feeling highly stressed, don't describe it as you did. You have to understand that it doesn't get better--it does get easier, but it doesn't get better.

If there is no reward in it for you; if it has always been a choice you fell into rather than wanted; if it is causing you grave psychological problems that are becoming physical problems as well, then you have to step away from this. Nursing has a way of allowing us to reach our greatest spiritual potential, but I've seen it just as easily turn people into old hateful hags who represent nothing but misery and cause their patients additional suffering with their attitudes. Why? Because they need a job, and nursing is how they pay their bills.

If you can get out now--now is the time to get out. And I do wish you the best of luck.

[Oldmahubbard]

I agree that home health might be good fit for you. There are so many different kinds of nursing out there. Don't fall into the "only the hospital" mentality.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist, but medication might be helpful as well, even if just temporarily.

[JKL33]

I feel so depressed I am sure I could be diagnosed but it seems crazy to me to start taking medication if the root cause is a job that is just not a good fit for me.

Please allow me to present a different possibility:

The idea of a root cause is a good one to think about, but based on what you have written, it may be that there is no particular situational root cause.

I believe you should seek out the type of care that you would want for anyone else who describes life as you do.

We of course do not know you, and we can't give medical advice. Just the same, I encourage you to consider that the situation in which you find yourself may be an effect of your distress, rather than a cause. Seeking care will help you understand what you're dealing with and how best to proceed. I am concerned that you may have been suffering longer than you realize. It is also possible that deciding about the next step that is best for you (whether that be leaving nursing or not leaving nursing) could be very difficult to discern right now, similar to the difficulty in choosing your course of study.

There is help! And there is every reason to believe that you can feel much better than you do right now and put yourself in a better place from which to consider the choices for your future. You deserve the opportunity to feel better and to receive help in moving forward.

Best wishes ~