Things we do to retain our ability to care for others...

[RN2364]

The things we do to retain our ability to take care of others.......

Good luck all and may we see ourselves and each other through this epic journey. I have only been doing this for only 4 months now which seems like an eternity. There are days I wake up and try to get ready for my old life. You know the life I am supposed to be living. The plans I had made for myself. Where does that life live know? I haven't gotten past the question of "why me" even though I know the answer. I haven't let go of the shame, guilt or embarrassment that I have brought to myself and my family. Some days it's still hard to get out of bed and face this new reality.... My reality. Our reality. I still have a hard time coping many days. When things get tough I want to throw in the towel or bury my head in the sand I know there is always one thing I can do to change my mindset. I find myself coming to this site and just reading all the posts, the questions, concerns the comments the suggestions and in that moment I know I am not alone. I find myself commiserating with old friends new friends and soon to be friends. I find strength and weakness a caring and compassion. There is a sense of underlying positivity in what seems a hopeless situation. It's as if we have all been sitting around the same campfire for many years passing on stories of yesterday and today. Stories of hope and faith and courage and solutions. Occasionally a thunderclap of tough love but never hate never shame never blame. I gain some of that confidence now bottled up and begin to navigate my day. Another day the best way I know how.

Friends, just when you think you are at the end of your rope and you can't carry on. Your feeling alone and overwhelmed by it all, just stop for a moment and read someone else's journey and relate, laugh, cry and offer a solution, some kind words. Your not only speaking to that one person your speaking to yourself and all the others reading a post just to

[SororAKS, ADN, RN]

A most excellent post. I can sure relate to the part about the life I'd planned for myself. I walked away from nursing a number of years ago as an addict, convinced that I'd made a mistake and I wasn't supposed to be in nursing...because being an addict was definitely not what I'd planned on. No one wakes up and plans to endanger their patients, throw away everything they worked so hard for, and uproot the lives and plans of others. Yet, for me, that's what happened.

I felt years of shame and guilt for this, and even worse, I couldn't really get any new career started even with additional education. It has taken me a long time to find a balance between shame/guilt, acceptance, and no remorse. Even now there are issues I must work on that are old and deep rooted. I strive to be able to let the thoughts of shame and guilt flow through me, realize they are what they are, and let them flow on through; realizing that I remain afterwards. Holding on to the shame and guilt kept me stuck in the past and didn't allow me to move forward.

It has taken me a long time to re learn the definition of success. I used to feel I was a success because I was a good nurse with good skills working in a demanding specialty. When that fell through by my own hand, I felt as if I was just a shell. These days I work towards a new definition of success, which doesn't include external things like career, money, etc but instead leans towards moving forward in my souls' growth. That means living in harmony, doing things that make me truly happy, recognizing that I have worth regardless of the size of my bank account or the car I drive.

Or, whether I am practicing nursing or not practicing nursing. I have asked myself "Even if the BON doesn't move on my written appeal and I can't come back to the profession, can I still allow myself to just BE?" I'm willing to say that I can now see the answer to that as YES.

For so long, my identity was so tied up in being a nurse, so letting go of that conception that kept me imprisoned is imperative. Whether I practice nursing or not, I remain.

Thank you so much for sharing. It is truly a privilege to be in the company of so many great people on this forum!

[dagobah, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN]

One of the best readings of how my life was the first few years in. Thank you very much very writing this so eloquently. It took about the third year to finally just slowly letting go. I disappeared from social media and deleted everything. I didn't want anyone to know how I was doing. My mother one time had to have an appt at my old hospital. I pleaded with her if I can drop her off across the street. I couldn't bear to see anyone I knew. Very painful. No alcohol or medication will ever make these things better or go away. Now my wife and I can seriously laugh about 8 years ago!!

Thank you again for this. I will be copying this and holding on to this. Very beautiful thank you!

[SororAKS, ADN, RN]

We pay it forward, in any way we can, as the OP and others have done. We are there for others that come after us, who are scared and don't know what to do or where to turn. We read their posts, respond if we can, sometimes message back and forth.

We let them know they are not alone. Even now that part is not lost on me. For a profession that is said to not stick together, we actually support each other.

The priceless enormity of that is powerful.