Sucky day + unsupportive spouse

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My day started with  MVA pt,young teen. It sucked. Moved on and went home per usual. Before bed I tried speaking to my husband about it. I was sad sad thinking as I went to bed-that young kids family was doing the same but without their child. It wasn’t as bad as some that I think about constantly but it was enough that I wanted to talk. 
my husband cut me off and said “OMG you gotta learn to leave work at work bc I’m not trying to hear this”. I said “how do you just leave work at work?” He said “IDK I don’t have people dying on me so I don’t have to do that”. I simply said “OK” and went to bed. No point in wasting my breath. 
 

I’ve just been emotionally tired lately. Now I feel just as tired but alone too. I have my first therapy session on Monday. Hopefully that’ll lift my spirits or something. Anyone else had this issue with their significant other? I don’t even know what to think except-wow,that’s some bs 

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Specializes in LTAC/ CVICU.

Yep, I don't even bother telling him anything anymore. I have nurse friends I vent to and talk to about things like this. They understand me more. Plus, I feel it is hard for them since they are not in the health field.

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Specializes in Mental health, substance abuse, geriatrics, PCU.

If my spouse said that to me, I would be very hurt and very angry. Marriage is a partnership, you're sharing your lives together, work is a part of life. Some couples have time limits on "work talk", they'll dedicate the first 10 minutes of coming home to decompressing about work and then that's it. I guess that's an okay compromise. I just don't understand having things that are off limits to talk about with your spouse, you may not want to hear or listen to everything they say but if you do it for each other then it all evens out.

I'm glad your going to therapy on Monday, maybe they can give you some ideas on how to address this with your spouse.

I'm sorry you had a rough shift. Some deaths effect us more than others especially when the person is young. 

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Specializes in ICU.

Whoa was his statement representative of how he talks all the time, or was this just regarding work? I’ll be honest, if my husband said that to me he’d get my middle finger for sure. Like Moon said, work is part of life and we are here to support each other. I don’t always understand my husband’s job, but I listen up when he needs to vent. 

I do also echo the sentiment about finding a friend or two in healthcare that can lend an ear sometimes. When I’ve had the craziest shift my husband just can’t understand what it’s like. He’s hardly ever set foot in a hospital let alone an ICU. 

Good for you for going to therapy! Sometimes we just need the perspective of a professional to help us work through hard times. You are an awesome nurse and partly because you know how important it is to care for yourself! Hugs to you, my friend!

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My person would never speak to me in this manner. Never has, ever.

With that said,

On 1/30/2021 at 11:45 PM, WonderousIvy said:

my husband cut me off and said “OMG you gotta learn to leave work at work bc I’m not trying to hear this”.

My initial reaction to reading this ^ is that someone has some significant fear/intolerance of the subject itself. Even though you don't describe yelling or profanity, I consider this sort of a "freak out" reaction. And it was instantaneous. So my take on it is that it's too something for him to process: Too scary, too sad, etc. There are actually (a lot of) people out there who are not emotionally sophisticated to begin with, let alone in possession of the tools to engage in a discussion about witnessing someone's child having died a traumatic death.

We have to remember that we have signed up for a program where we are going to see and experience some harsh truths about life whether we want to or not. Along the way we develop some skills to cope, and we might have been more capable right from the outset than some other people in our society anyway. We have chosen this line of work, after all.

Is your husband less "emotionally sophisticated" than you, in general? Is he typically a guy who is obviously in touch with his feelings?

You know how he is normally. So - you can probably use your experiences with him to help figure out what this means. Does he show you he cares about you in other ways, or is he always dismissive of your place in the world and your experiences? Or does he really just not have the emotional skills to comfortably discuss what goes on in the ED specifically?

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Specializes in Dialysis.

I have work friends and actual family that are nurses that I share with. My hubby doesn't understand. He doesn't react like OPs, but his eyes glaze over and I know that he's tuned out. He hardly ever discusses his work

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Specializes in ER, Pre-Op, PACU.

Unless family has been in healthcare, I don’t think they can understand. Saying that - I do wish they would try to understand or listen. I do think work conversations do have to have some limits, but I think having to pick and choose your words and not talk about your job at all (especially after a very hard day) is really sad. I am so sorry that you weren’t supported when you needed support after a hard day.

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On 1/30/2021 at 9:45 PM, WonderousIvy said:

My day started with  MVA pt,young teen. It sucked. Moved on and went home per usual. Before bed I tried speaking to my husband about it. I was sad sad thinking as I went to bed-that young kids family was doing the same but without their child. It wasn’t as bad as some that I think about constantly but it was enough that I wanted to talk. 
my husband cut me off and said “OMG you gotta learn to leave work at work bc I’m not trying to hear this”. I said “how do you just leave work at work?” He said “IDK I don’t have people dying on me so I don’t have to do that”. I simply said “OK” and went to bed. No point in wasting my breath. 
 

I’ve just been emotionally tired lately. Now I feel just as tired but alone too. I have my first therapy session on Monday. Hopefully that’ll lift my spirits or something. Anyone else had this issue with their significant other? I don’t even know what to think except-wow,that’s some bs 

My wife is a special education teacher and I am an ER nurse. After every shift I rant about my day to her on my 30 minute drive home. She does the same and we usually end up laughing. We both have extremely stressful jobs. Once I'm home, we don't mention work. Imo, having someone to vent to is necessary for what we do. You should have a long conversation with your husband about the stress that comes with this job. If he simply doesn't want to hear about it, find a female nurse coworker that will listen. Medical professionals love to share stories, almost as much as soldiers. It shouldn't be hard to find a coworker with a similar issue.

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Specializes in Emergency/med surg.

oof I read that and it hurt me --- its hard to talk to non healthcare workers about our line of work that is why I keep my work related venting to only nursing - no one else gets it PERIOD. I don't care what anyone thinks - of course other jobs/professions are hard/frustrating but in healthcare/nursing we deal with the deepest/darkest of the raw human emotion- that is NOT easy, and it is not a skill that is acquired in a classroom/textbook either. 

Stuff like what you encountered at work never get easier - I am sure we all have some patients who we will never ever forget --- and then to come home to someone who is not understanding of it is simply heartbreaking/discouraging. It is  wonderful you will have a therapist to learn coping - but it is so important you have a frank conversation with your spouse about how hurtful and dismissive they were... people cant understand what we go through - but they should at the very least be empathetic - not everyone has the capacity to be as empathetic as people like us/healthcare professionals. The gift of empathy feel like a damn curse sometimes... but don't lose yours because it was not reciprocated... 

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