Should I stay or go? New grad questions.

[COknights10]

Hey guys!

So I graduated NP school this spring. Started applying for NP jobs right away cus basically my family needed me to be on a full time salary again (I'd been a PRN RN for the last 9 months). I got a couple of offers, and was hired with neurosurgery within a month of graduating. I started in July and passed both my FNP and AGACNP boards over the summer. Its a small practice and they're super nice. I'm happy with my salary, my education allowance, and they're super flexible and understanding that I'm a new grad. I'm supposed to start taking patients in clinic myself, they've already filled me in for the call schedule in the upcoming months, and we're working on getting my privileges for multiple hospitals. Its monday to friday, 9 - 5, unless I come in at 7 for a case or something. They also paid for my DEA, state licensure, education, professional memberships, etc. I even get my own cell phone and laptop for work! I recognize this job as an incredible opportunity that I am lucky to have!

It's been only 3 months at this point but I honestly just can't seem to enjoy it. I had a family tragedy/life changing event happen a month before I started and since then didn't take much time off to really deal with it. I'm worried that my opinion could be skewed because I'm probably a bit clinically depressed at this point. I can't seem to make the 5 days a week thing work. I just hate it. Hate hate hate it. I hate how much happiness I start feeling toward the end of the week, and literally by saturday night how bummed I start feeling again knowing that I'll be back at work again Monday. I like my days to be mine, and LOVED shift work. They were VERY clear when I started about the 5 day a week thing with some weekend call, and I thought it would be ok. I didn't realize that now with whats going on in my family, that it's even harder to make time for my husband, myself and my family. I literally cry daily. The doctor I work with is wonderful, but at the same time since it is a small practice, I feel slightly limited to doing what he does with patient management. He says he wants me to have my own practice, but lets face it, it's his business that he worked hard to build. I want our practices to align somewhat. I'm so new at this point though that I don't feel confident enough to even try to venture beyond what I know he does, which works. I had my first patient on my schedule yesterday. I'm 3 months in and I've independently seen MAYBE a handful of patients. I usually go through his daily schedule and ask him who he wants me to see etc but he usually only gives me like one or 2 that I can see.

I feel useless, pointless, purposeless, stupid and tired of not having any time for myself, my family or the things I love. I'm debating just applying for another job right now, I saw one urgent care job that was 3 12's a week which sounds amazing. Should I stick around though and see if I can start to find my place in this practice and as an NP? Is this just the depression talking? Is this just the whole new grad thing that's getting to me? Or is there a real basis on the fact that I can't handle the schedule and just don't feel like I have any purpose or meaning to my work life?

Thanks!

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I think you have the right idea: you have not dealt with your family tragedy - that should be your first priority. Counseling, talking this over with your husband, something!

[COknights10]

Thanks, he and I have spoken about it in depth. We agreed I should stick it out, and then for example on Friday I had another whatever day at work and cried the rest if the night. He was like, why don't you just apply to a couple of these urgent care jobs and see if they call you. So that's what I've done. I feel sick about it though. Its a small practice and I don't want to screw anyone over.

[HyzenthlayLPN]

I am so sorry for your loss (((HUGS))).

I deal daily with depression and anxiety and I can tell you from experience that depression colors EVERYTHING. You need to deal with your depression. If I were you, I would make that one of my highest priorities. You may need medication, you may need counseling or you may need both. Don't put it off thinking it will get better on its own. It probably won't and it could get much, much worse.

I will keep you in my prayers.

[COknights10]

I am so sorry for your loss (((HUGS))).

I deal daily with depression and anxiety and I can tell you from experience that depression colors EVERYTHING. You need to deal with your depression. If I were you, I would make that one of my highest priorities. You may need medication, you may need counseling or you may need both. Don't put it off thinking it will get better on its own. It probably won't and it could get much, much worse.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you. It's been hard because my sibling was in a bad motor vehicle accident and suffered a severe TBI. My whole life has changed and I didn't realize it would in such a drastic way. It's not just them and the injury, my whole family dynamic is changed now. They're a few months out and at a nursing home. Non-verbal, PEG, trach, contracted, pressure ulcer.... I feel like now more than ever I want to be back on shift work, so that my days are mine and I can be with my sibling and my family. It's almost worse than if they'd just died, cus everytime I go visit, I feel heartbroken all over again.

[Melody007_FNP-C, APRN]

I also feel that you are not getting enough hands-on experience in the 3 mos you have been there. I would feel totally defeated and uninspired if I only saw 1 or 2 pts per day! I am in my second months of a new job at a GI practice, so the training my DR has given me has been super awesome and he is very supportive! I am building up my schedule with patients and on the days I don't have any I work his schedule and see about half his patients. Maybe since you have to much time without your own patients to focus on you have to much time to brain wonder? I would! I wasn't sure if I was going to like being in a specialty at first, but now seeing patients on my own I feel more comfortable and happy. Maybe, give it a little bit more time since they did invest quite a bit of $$ already with paying for all that you mentioned. They may ask you to pay them back, check your contract. Good luck and my prayers to you and your family during this rough time in life.

[3ringnursing, BSN]

I'm so sorry. Life throws us curve balls and at times it can knock us to our knees.

Number one question: have you considered talking to your own PCP about available treatment options?

I had a death in the family (long story - but it was hidden from me for several months because of a damned will!). I had been trying to reach my uncle out of state and he didn't return my calls (not like him) - I guess I became too much of a nuisance not to inform after all ...

That hit me hard. Crying constantly. Eventually I discussed antidepressant therapy with my PCP. That is what worked for me, but for you something else may be a better choice. That is just one of many options - your PCP knows you best so can come up with a plan with you that may best suit your personal needs. Your PCP is after all the best place to start in any crisis.

Now, your current employer: he sounds amazing, but if it's not amazing for you, then it's not so amazing after all.

I get it, feeling like you're leaving this great MD high and dry may give you pause, but there may be someone else out there ready to step into your spot freeing you to do what is best for YOU.

This may sound selfish, but take care of you now so you will be in a better place to take care of others later.

Big mama virtual hugs to you! You can do it! I believe in you!!!

[Med Surg RN, BSN, RN]

I think you need to take some time off or make room to deal with what happened. I also agree counseling would be a good idea. My younger brother passed away from a heart attack with no warning. At the time I was living out of state, and tried to continue working after the funeral but wound up quitting after a month and moved back to my home town to be close to my family. I started seeing a therapist for a few months, which helped me a lot and I was able to resume life.

I also agree with previous poster, that a patient load of a few patients after 3 months is not very much and may be affecting your spirit at work. Is the practice in general very low volume? Did you replace a provider or are you a new addition? Can the practice sustain the both of you? Does the MD expect you to bring in your own clients? Perhaps you can wait a little bit because they invested so much in you, but it also doesn't hurt to shop around. Best of luck.

[COknights10]

Yea I think that's a big part of this. I have so little to do that I feel worthless. It just doesn't feel like there are the patients for both of us, but they've said they tend to get busier in the winter months! I've started applying for new jobs, in the ED (which has always been my goal) or the urgent Care (for experience to build up to the ED).I've already gotten a lot of "no"s, but I guess I have time.

[COknights10]

I'm so sorry. Life throws us curve balls and at times it can knock us to our knees.

Number one question: have you considered talking to your own PCP about available treatment options?

I had a death in the family (long story - but it was hidden from me for several months because of a damned will!). I had been trying to reach my uncle out of state and he didn't return my calls (not like him) - I guess I became too much of a nuisance not to inform after all ...

That hit me hard. Crying constantly. Eventually I discussed antidepressant therapy with my PCP. That is what worked for me, but for you something else may be a better choice. That is just one of many options - your PCP knows you best so can come up with a plan with you that may best suit your personal needs. Your PCP is after all the best place to start in any crisis.

Now, your current employer: he sounds amazing, but if it's not amazing for you, then it's not so amazing after all.

I get it, feeling like you're leaving this great MD high and dry may give you pause, but there may be someone else out there ready to step into your spot freeing you to do what is best for YOU.

This may sound selfish, but take care of you now so you will be in a better place to take care of others later.

Big mama virtual hugs to you! You can do it! I believe in you!!!

I also have to consider the fact is, I still have bills to pay, so leaving this job without a back up would be just unfair my family. Thank you for the hugs and support though :) I needed it!!!

[3ringnursing, BSN]

I also have to consider the fact is, I still have bills to pay, so leaving this job without a back up would be just unfair my family. Thank you for the hugs and support though :) I needed it!!!

Then here is another hug for good measure (and go see your PCP).

Also, 23 years ago my mom died when I was a new grad, and had just had a baby. I didn't take time off to take care of my precarious mental health, which was literally spinning on the head of a pin at the time. I had a family to support.

Not many months later I solved my own pain by diverting. Not something I planned. The resulting trauma and turmoil was much worse financially and psychologically then if I merely took time off to care for me.

Food for thought ...

[COknights10]

Then here is another hug for good measure (and go see your PCP).

Also, 23 years ago my mom died when I was a new grad, and had just had a baby. I didn't take time off to take care of my precarious mental health, which was literally spinning on the head of a pin at the time. I had a family to support.

Not many months later I solved my own pain by diverting. Not something I planned. The resulting trauma and turmoil was much worse financially and psychologically then if I merely took time off to care for me.

Food for thought ...

wow that is so sad... I'm so sorry you went through all that. I am starting counseling this week, but with my new lovely M-F schedule and being new there, I don't want to try to take too much time off, so it's been hard to find time to see someone. I haven't been to see my PCP yet because there have been times along the way that I felt like I really needed medical help with the depression, but my husband doesn't think I do (he's also a nurse). He sees the depression as a situational thing that I can work through. He's not even convinced that I need to go to this counselor but I told him I really needed to. He's really against any psych type meds. I saw my doc in the summer when I almost had a meltdown between 2 sets of boards and turning 30 and the accident and getting married and moving (LOL) and got some ativan, which I take in secret every now and then because I don't want to deal with him lecturing me about it -_-