Scared, upset, ashamed

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I’ve been working as an LPN in LTC the last 5 years. I’m 28 years old, wife, mom of 2. Love LTC, love my residents, loved the job honestly. I have Rx’s for Tylenol 3 and norco, for chronic migraine. I have had these scripts for years, since probably 2010. Never abused them. Only took them as needed. That sort of changed last year when my mom got diagnosed with cancer.. I got very depressed and started self medicating. I started going through my Rxs quicker and quicker. Tolerance kept getting higher and higher. That’s when I started diverting at work. Don’t get me wrong, as scummy as I was/am, my residents still never went without. They got their scheduled narcs. They got their PRNs they requested. I was mostly just wasting meds and forging a 2nd nurses signature, signing out PRNs that weren’t asked for, when the page would get full and had to start a new page, would write in a number less than what was actually there and take the difference. This started probably around April if this year. My mom passed away last month and it sent me over the edge. I stopped being “careful” with my diverting, and basically just got desperate for more meds. This is ultimately what led to me getting caught. As soon as my administrator called and told me what they had discovered and that it would have to be reported, I called and spoke with a nursing attorney, who advised me to self report. He even called and spoke with the executive director of the state board on my behalf and helped me submit the self report form. He says this would be the best way to potentially keep my license without restrictions. He also advised me to start seeking out counseling or meetings to attend now so that it looks like I’m setting myself on the right path early on. I’m currently on day 7 of not taking any sort of opiate. I am just so, so scared. I had just found out this month that I got accepted to RN school starting in January, I feel like that is in the toilet now. I will never be able to work in LTC again. And I feel like I can’t show my face in my super small town ever again. The facility I worked for is a staple to my community. They are in attendance to any big event, and I feel like I can’t show my face around them due to all the shame I feel. So now my entire family will be suffering for this. All my previous coworkers already know everything, I guess administration told everyone. I’ve been getting “thoughts and prayers” messages from some and have even been blocked by a couple of them. I’m so scared the law will be involved and I will get arrested... I’ve been crying for 2 straight days. I don’t know what’s going to happen or what to expect. This is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. I have officially hit rock bottom. Can anyone who has been in this situation please offer some support or advice? I feel like I’m drowning.

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Been through all that before. I just know I’m not asking anyone for anything. I already have asked my mental health center to try and work with me in this. I just wanted to take a refresher course and try to reset with that office. I did it a long way around however I don’t know the administrative laws for that office

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Brace yourself for a poop storm. Its going to get worse before it gets better. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. Depending on what state you are in, there are peer programs for health professionals. It probably wont save you from the fallout of being caught committing diversion (criminal charges, license issues, public discipline, work restricitions), but it will likely allow you to keep your license to practice. Depending on who you ask on this forum, they can be brutal and unhelpful, but a peer program gives you a second chance to be a health professional. I, for one, am extremely grateful for it. I did receive criminal charges for my diversion and honestly I believe I deserved to. I abused my authority to steal medications for personal use. No my patients did go without either, but it's still theft, it's still drugs, and it's still wrong. I also have restricitions and public discipline, dispite having self reported. In my state, I've been told diversion is always public. BUT I STILL HAVE MY LICENSE and I just recently got a great nursing position.

Stop beating yourself up. You messed up but you arent broken. Addiction makes us do stupid things... it doesnt make us bad people. Learn from this and grow.

Focus on your recovery and sobriety. Dont worry about what everyone else is thinking. I still feel like everyone is looking at me and knows when I am in public. Maybe they do, or maybe it's all in my head. Either way, you cant change what happened, all you can do now is do better moving forward. People who want to judge others need to take a look in their own closet. Everyone has dirty secrets. We just have the blessing of ours getting displayed to the public.

The best advice I can give to you right now is to not make any big decisions while you are upset. ie) Dont surrender your license and walk away while all this is so fresh (if you dont have to). Take the monitoring program if its offered as an alternative. If you change your mind later then that's different, but I know most of us on this forum wanted to just give it all up and walk away when we were first caught. You might regret that in a couple months when your emotions and mind comes back to normal. Try to find a nurse support meeting in your area and see what others stories are like.

I know it feels like your life has just exploded in front of you, but moving forward in sobriety will help you see this all as a positive. I was so lost in my struggle that I didnt see I was slowly killing myself. The shock of getting "caught" literally scared me straight and I am so thankful for it. I got the help I needed and am so much better as a person and as a nurse now.

Stay sober and be your own advocate. The best thing you can do is fix yourself right now. Let this event propel you into a healthy life with healthy coping mechanisms. The rest will follow.

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I can definitely relate. I diverted Narcotics from my home health patients wasted meds. I had a rx for norco but like you I took more and more which means I needed more and more. I too self reported. After talking with an investigator it took the MS BON 3 1/2 years to get to me. I spoke with an investigator alone, which I regret. But honestly I probably would have gotten the same results since I spilled my guts in rehab. I didn’t hire a lawyer. I have a board order which includes public discipline. I’m on probation for 2 years with drug screening , 3 AA/NA meetings a week . Paid a 500.00 fine. Taking 3 classes. But my license is active with no restrictions ?. And I have a great job in LTC as an infection control nurse. Hang in there!! We’re here for support ?

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8 hours ago, mississippiRN71 said:

I can definitely relate. I diverted Narcotics from my home health patients wasted meds. I had a rx for norco but like you I took more and more which means I needed more and more. I too self reported. After talking with an investigator it took the MS BON 3 1/2 years to get to me. I spoke with an investigator alone, which I regret. But honestly I probably would have gotten the same results since I spilled my guts in rehab. I didn’t hire a lawyer. I have a board order which includes public discipline. I’m on probation for 2 years with drug screening , 3 AA/NA meetings a week . Paid a 500.00 fine. Taking 3 classes. But my license is active with no restrictions ?. And I have a great job in LTC as an infection control nurse. Hang in there!! We’re here for support ?

Wow.. I can only hope to get as lucky as you did. Thank you for the reply

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Specializes in Medsurg.

I wish you the best. I pray for all our nursing brothers and sisters who have to fight addiction.

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The shame will get better, got caught in Jan 2019 and i felt the same way. Believe it or not there is a way to keep working in LTC. I am in a monitoring program, my license is active as long as I do every thing that TPAPN requires for the next 3 years. It has been expensive with the drug tests and special Dr.s that I have to see, but worth it to keep my license. Keep your head up and focus on getting better. Good luck to you.

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