I am senior nursing student in my final rotation through an ICU. During the day my preceptor had the code pager. We responded to a cardiac arrest code. We did compressions for 45 minutes while pushing emergent medications (Epi, atropine, dopamine) and shocked twice, and paced for 15 minutes. But despite our best efforts we lost the patient. I was mid-compression cycle when a family member put his hand on my shoulder and said "let him go". It hit me like a ton of brick. All the adrenalin running through my body vanished, everything went quiet, I stopped compressions and looked up, totally bewildered. I felt so empty in that moment as I silently stepped back, gave my name to the code recorder and walked away. My preceptor and I walked in silence back to the unit. All the while thinking "how do I go back to the happy and positive nurse my other patients need?" So, nursing students, experienced nurses, and everyone in between, do you still remember the first time you lost a patient, how did you finish your day? I was able to decompress a bit, but I'm still thinking about it a week later.
