First off, I am so sorry for your loss. You can, and will walk into another room. I lost my brother this summer. He died suddenly, one day shy of his 38th birthday. There was no reason, autopsy reports didnt clarify anything. I traveled 600 miles the night before to see my family for his birthday, and mothers day. I spoke to him that morning. We were all at my parents house waiting for his family to come over for dinner. They never showed up, he never came home from work. They found him in a bathroom in a store.
He was an amazing guy, he had a wife, three children, (6,3 and 2 months) He had such a zest for life. He was a jokester, and would give anyone the shirt off his back. He adored his wife and couldnt get enough of his children. Have every reason in the world to live.
I tell you this about him because I work in a psychiatric emergency room. Yes, we get very sick, psychotic patients. But, we also get our share of malingering. We get those who have druged themselves into trouble, and need a place to "hide out" for a few days, or other rediculous reasons they feel the need to be hospitalized. Yes, they tell me with a straight face that they are suicidal, and I know they are lying, but they say what they have to.
I knew I needed to get help. I needed to be able to reason through, and learn how to cope with these people. I knew I was going to explode and yell at them all. So, I made two calls when I got home from my brothers funeral. 1 to a MD, for a full physical (yes, I am still worried that I might drop dead any second) and 2 to a therapist. I needed to get my head on straight before I would be able to help others through their hardships.
One of my first patients that I had was there because he was severly depressed.... he had just lost his brother. That was hard. I was professional, and I felt for him. More than anyone else on my unit could at that point. I went on break and cried.
You do need time to greive, and you do need support. I am much more mindful than I have ever been. I hope you find your peace....