I guess I just need advice. I am lost. A little background: I have a year and few months experience in nursing. This is my second career. I use to be a scientist. Decide I had a passion for nursing and went back to school. I completed an ABSN- fished in the top of my class. When I finished school I was so burnt out. My mental health was suffering. I just needed a break. I moved out of the state I did nursing school to my partner's home town. I thought I would just maybe never become a nurse. I pursued other things- teaching, science, writing. But then, back in 2019 I got the bug in my ear telling me...you just got to try. So two years after nursing school I took my NCLEX and passed on the first try. I got a job a week after passing, in long term care and rehab. My thoughts were that I would put in a year then get a hospital acute job and then work towards my dream of becoming a CRNA.
But, COVID happened. I worked for 7 months- watched everyone around me die. I was working 60-70 hours a week as a new nurse and a new parent. Last July, my family and I needed to move to california. Specifically southern california. I got a few job offers- mostly in long term care, but also in home health and outpatient. I took an outpatient job- worked in urgent care, adults and pediatrics. I had a rough start- didn't get along with the nurse who trained me "Judy". Judy criticized everything I did, berated me in front of everyone in the clinic pretty much daily. When my review came up with my boss, I had a panic attack in front of my boss. I had bottled it all up for months and it just exploded. Things got better, I found a place in urgent care, was learning great things, got along with coworkers... but then family stuff arose. We are expecting our second child and I could no longer work a day shift. I asked to go per diem- they said no. I left the company. I started an evening shift as an RN supervisor at the mental health facility. It isn't ideal, and to be honest I do not like it much. I find myself doing endless amounts of paper work, little patient interaction, as an RN with only a year experience, I do not have the respect of seasoned LVNs with 5-10 even 15 years of mental health experience. The RN who trained me did a spotty job and I am left with giant holes in my knowledge of what I should know for the job- like how the DON specifically wants orders to be put into the computer, how they specifically want a care plan to be written out, who to call when code happens, how to order labs. I am learning all of this but I feel slow and inadequate.
I have thought about quitting. And that just makes me sad and angry. I feel like a crappy nurse. I just don't feel like I've done anything right. And I just don't feel like I belong. I think this is all compounded by the fact that this isn't where I want to be. I want to be in an acute care setting. I want to work in a hospital and I want to help people with their medical issues, not just their psych issues. I've applied and applied and applied to hospitals all over so cal. I even had an interview where I thought I was a shoe in, but never heard back.
I just don't know where to go from here. Any words- of encouragment? Help?