feedback on admission essay

  1. Hey all, I am applying for nursing school in hopes of starting November 16th. I never thought I was a bad writer until now. I guess the essays i have wrote have not been as important. I have 3 essays to write, the first one is Why are you pursuing a career in nursing? Its supposed to be two pages double spaced. Let me know what you think. I appreciate all your help in advance.




    The profession of nursing is a rewarding, selfless and stable career that I am eager to become a part of. It takes a special person to become a nurse and to manage the ongoing stresses of what the job entails. I am that special person given my compassion for life, self-motivation and my passion for the science that makes miracles possible. I'm eager to gain knowledge and use my compassion to treat not just the disease process but the individual as a whole person. In the ever-changing field of medicine there is an infinite amount of opportunity in which to grow and develop and I would be grateful to have the chance to prove that I have what it takes to be a nurse.

    Growing up in an impoverished environment the odds were against me, but I never let that determine the outcome of my future. I lived with a single mother who worked two jobs to support her kids, which in return has made me an independent person. I watched my mom struggle but never saw that as a weakness rather a sign of strength and commitment. Because of my mother's struggles I pushed myself to complete high school and immediately after enrolled in college for medical assisting where I excelled in my studies. I have been a medical assistant for 6 years which has given me a first-hand look into what it takes to become a nurse. As a medical assistant I am limited in the amount of care I can provide to my patients but realize how much more I can offer with a nursing degree. I want to expand my knowledge and career to reach my full potential as a health care worker. In return I can assure a stable future for myself and my family.

    The opportunities that a nursing degree can offer is an enticing benefit of the job. As a nurse I would be able to work in multiple different specialties gaining experience in many different fields of practice. The opportunity to travel and to provide support to those countries that have limited medical resources has always been an interest to me. The diversity of nursing allows a wide range of people and cultures to come together to provide health care. We are all working towards the same goal, to create a world where everyone has access to proper medical care and that is something I want to be a part of.
    I have always had a strong interest in the science that dictates how we provide medical care to patients. I am dedicated to the process of learning and can motivate myself to succeed despite the challenges that are sure to arise. My curiosity of the science and new advancements within the medical field gives me the drive to pursue nursing. As a nurse I will become an educator and an advocate to my patients to help them better understand and manage their health and wellness. As a nurse it would be my duty to keep up on all the medical advancements to maintain a high level of patient care.

    I believe I am the right candidate for your nursing program based on my past accomplishments, my compassion for the well being of people and my devotion to evolving my education to further my career. I want to become a nurse to secure the best life possible for myself and my family. Nursing will allow me to use my natural skills and abilities to help care for the sick, wounded, terminally ill and mentally frail people who deserve the best medical attention available. As a medical assistant I treat all my patients as if I was caring for one of my loved ones, with no judgement or criticism. With a nursing degree my scope of practice will broaden which will allow for more rewarding experiences throughout my career. I will strive to achieve excellence in all aspects of my studies if given the chance.
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    About mackenstadtb

    Joined: Jun '18; Posts: 12; Likes: 4
    from OR , US

    11 Comments

  3. by   Sour Lemon
    It sort of sounds like you wrote a really rough draft, then kept going back and adding things in to make it longer. I'd create an outline and try to make it a little more point-focused.
    A few other thoughts:
    I think the single mother thing is way overplayed. It might have been unique in the 50's, but it's a norm these days. I'd drop it. You can talk about being inspired by your hard-working mother without it.
    I'd rephrase this, too- "I have been a medical assistant for 6 years which has given me a first-hand look into what it takes to become a nurse." Maybe you could talk about working alongside nurses and how that has given you insight into what nursing is all about.
    I would drop the talk about "medicine" as that refers more to physicians.
    I'd get rid of this, too- "We are all working towards the same goal, to create a world where everyone has access to proper medical care and that is something I want to be a part of." It's just not true. Maybe talk about wishing to collaborate with like-minded individuals?

    These essays are super-hard to write, IMO. I'm glad I never had to write one!!
  4. by   mackenstadtb
    yes you are exactly right. Its a rough draft and as I was typing I threw more crap in it to make it longer. Thank you very much for your feedback. Working on revisions now.
  5. by   mackenstadtb
    Revised. any feedback is much appreciated and criticism is welcomed. I guess I have never been a strong writer but am dedicated to getting into this nursing program. I know I have what it takes its just hard to put into word to convince people why. Please let me know. This is essay 1 out of 3.




    The profession of nursing is a rewarding, selfless and stable career that I am eager to become a part of. It takes a special person to manage the ongoing stresses of a nursing position while maintain a high level of patient care. I am that special person given my compassion for life, self-motivation to succeed and my passion for the science that makes miracles possible. I'm eager to gain knowledge and use my compassion to assist in the treatment and prevention of serious medical conditions that effect not just the patient but their friends and family. In the ever-changing field of medicine there is an infinite amount of opportunity in which to grow and develop and I would be grateful to have the chance to prove that I have what it takes to be a nurse.
    Growing up in an impoverished environment the odds were against me, but I never let that determine the outcome of my future. As a result of my environment I became independent and motivated to secure a stable future for myself and my family. To achieve this goal, I put myself through school to become a medical assistant to gain experience in the medical field. I have been a medical assistant for 6 years working closely with doctors, surgeons and nurses in a clinical setting. Working alongside nurses and observing their responsibilities inspired me to further my career and pursue a nursing degree. I have witnessed nurses save lives right in front of my eyes, offered a compassionate hug to terminally ill patients and manage the stresses of triaging distressed patients all while maintaining calm demeanor. As a medical assistant I am limited in the amount of care I can provide to my patients but realize how much more I can offer with a nursing degree. I want to expand my knowledge and career to reach my full potential as a health care worker. In return I can assure a stable future for myself and my family.
    The opportunities and flexibility that a nursing degree can offer is an enticing benefit of the job. As a nurse I would be able to work in multiple different specialties gaining experience in many different fields of practice. This will ensure that I will never become bored in my position and will always be learning on the job. The diversity that nursing offers will allow me to be open minded and sensitive to the different cultures that I expect to encounter daily.
    I have always had a strong interest in the science that dictates how we provide medical care to patients. I am dedicated to the process of learning and can motivate myself to succeed despite the challenges that are sure to arise. My curiosity of the science and new advancements within the medical field gives me the drive to pursue nursing. As a nurse I will become an educator and an advocate to my patients to help them better understand and manage their health and wellness. As a nurse it would be my duty to keep up on all the medical advancements to maintain a high level of patient care.
    I believe I am the right candidate for your nursing program based on my past accomplishments, my compassion for the well being of people and my devotion to evolving my education to further my career. I want to become a nurse to secure the best life possible for myself and my family while improving the lives of those that surround me. Nursing will allow me to use my natural skills and abilities to help care for the sick, wounded, terminally ill and mentally frail people who deserve the best medical attention available. As a medical assistant I treat all my patients as if I was caring for one of my loved ones, with no judgement. With a nursing degree my scope of practice will broaden which will allow for more rewarding experiences throughout my career. I will strive to achieve excellence in all aspects of my studies if given the chance.
  6. by   jalilly
    I love this essay! Your passion for nursing shines through. I can tell you are confident that you want to become a nurse. You should have this edited for grammar and punctation but someone who really knows their stuff. Do you know anyone who majored in english in college, any teachers or writers? Colleges and libraries often have events where people will edit papers as well. Ask two people to edit this essay. I loved the sentence where you said " I have watched nurses save lives right in front of their eyes...". Can you give a 2-3 sentence story of that experience in your essay or pinpoint a specific experience that made you want to become a nurse? Consider putting that story at the very beginning of your essay.

    The profession of nursing is a rewarding, selfless and stable career that I am eager to become a part of.
    I would change this sentence to" Nursing is a rewarding and selfless career and I am eager to become part of this profession.
    Consider changing the last sentences to " With a nursing degree my scope of practice will broaden which will allow for more rewarding experiences throughout my career and I will strive to achieve excellence in all aspects of my studies."
    Good luck!
  7. by   Glucagon
    I think the structure is good as well as the overall essay. There are some (not terrible) grammatical issues throughout, so I would get someone who knows grammar rules to proofread it. There's also a few areas where the wording is a bit awkward, which I think a proofreader could help with as well, and you could try to get the transitions between paragraphs to be smoother. Right now, they are a bit abrupt transition from one topic to the next.
  8. by   mackenstadtb
    Thank you so much for the feedback I really appreciate it. I will work on some more revisions. I'm feeling more confident about my work and my abilities to write so thank you guys for your help.
    Last edit by mackenstadtb on Jul 2 : Reason: Adding
  9. by   MyAimIsTrue
    I would remove the first two sentences. Or maybe even the first entire paragraph. To me, it's generic and not at all personal. In contrast to what another person said, I like the part about being raised by a single mother. It may not be too uncommon these days, but it definitely gives you a different perspective on life than being raised in a two-parent household. And I agree with the poster who said to add more details about seeing a nurse save a life. To me it seems longer than two pages, double-spaced. Have you checked?
  10. by   ProperlySeasoned
    Reading the essay, I am left wondering two questions.
    1. How did you do academically in school?
    2. I like how you describe being inspired by nurses, and wanting to advance. But I am wondering why you did not choose nursing in the first place? Were there family circumstances? Did you want to test the healthcare waters? This is where your story of origin does come into play, and can let us know more about who you are, your intrinsic motivation, and what you have overcome. (EG - "After high school, it was imperative that I contributed to my family financially, thus I enrolled in a medical assistant program where I could quickly join the labor force. In my community, obtaining a college degree was an exception, not an expectation.....")
  11. by   ProperlySeasoned
    [QUOTE=MyAimIsTrue;9881345]I would remove the first two sentences. Or maybe even the first entire paragraph. To me, it's generic and not at all personal."

    Totally agree - Don't waste precious words describing the profession of nursing. Remeber that the people reading your essay know what a nurse does
  12. by   mackenstadtb
    You guys are so great I really appreciate this advice. It's super helpful and helps me understand how to be a better writer. Revisions underway!
  13. by   FolksBtrippin
    This is one of the better essays I have seen. I see a lot of them, because I majored in English before I became a nurse.

    You are not a bad writer. To the contrary, you write well. You have only a few minor grammar errors.

    I don't see any major flaws with your essay. I think an intro describing what nurses do is a good thing. Yes, the reader already knows what nurses do, but it shows what you know/think about what nurses do.

    I think if you want to go into why you went for medical assistant first, that would be a great addition to your essay.

    If watching your single mom work 2 jobs is a personal inspiration for you it needs to stay in your essay.

    Your essay conveys respect for the field of nursing, which is a plus. I can understand why some people might cringe at your use of the word "medical" in describing nursing but I think this comes from you having been a medical.assistant first. Not a big deal.

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