Depressed and worn out

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rn/writer, RN

9 Articles; 4,168 Posts

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I really appreciate just the time you took to post this. I am happy to say that me and mom got into a heated argument and I had to put her out. She has money and I even made sure she had gloves, but I told her she had to go. She was being verbally abusive to me and I just couldn't take it anymore. My whole childhood has been abusive thanks to her. I was taken out of the house by child protective services because her husband at the time punched me in the mouth and knocked out my two front teeth( Now you know who wrote the song"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"!!!) when I was 13 years old. I have been on my own since I was thirteen going in and out of foster homes and girls homes, and now, I am just tired of the whole thing. I love my mother I really do, but I have never felt normal because of her. I know she is sick and I don't want to take her illness out on her per se, but now, I just don't know. I am tired of my whole family to tell you the truth. Last year my grandmother was living here. Now I am in a time of need and I can't ask nobody in my family for nothing. Nobody can help me, but when they need help I am always helping out. I was talking to my ex-stepfather, yes the same man who knocked out my teeth, and he said he can understand me not wanting her to come back over here anymore, but don't turn my back on her because she needs her family. I don't want to be bothered with her period, not for a while. Its a shame that I can talk to a man that used to beat the crap out of me more than I can talk to my own mother. He was on drugs during that time and has since came off of them and is trying to raise my little brothers by himself, so I have more respect for him than my mother because regardless of what he did to me, atleast he did get his act together, if not for him for the sake of my little brothers. I have soo much to do, sort through, I have to find me a job before I get but out of my house. I wish I was renting, then atleast I wouldn't owe tens of thousands of dollars if I didn't pay my rent, I have a house note, and I don't want to lose my house. I will figure out something.

You have been through an amazing amount of garbage. The fact that you are functioning and taking care of your kids isn't because of your family, but rather in spite of them.

The cause of much dysfunction is immaturity--the inability to choose what we need over what feels good right now. People who are stuck in this mindset will constantly find themselves in dire straits because they sell the future to live in the moment. They're always going to come up short and the very immaturity that put them in that position will make them to look to someone else, the way a child looks to a parent, to rescue and take care of them.

You DO rescue and take care of children. But, with adults, that kind of help can easily turn into enabling. And enabling feeds the problem and makes it worse.

You can't change your mother. She'll either "get it" at some point or she won't. She DOES have a better chance of getting it if she runs out of easy options, like moving in with you and transferring the chaos in her spirit to yours.

You've mentioned that family members and other people in your small town load you up with guilt and give you the message that you shouldn't turn your back on her. Where are they when she's making a shambles of your life? It's a lot easier to point a finger than to lift one. If they're so concerned, let them put her up for a night or pay one of her bills. If not, then they're just blowing smoke so you'll relieve them of any gult they might be feeling. Keep in mind that they can't make you feel guilty without your consent.

Besides, setting healthy boundaries for you and your kids is NOT the same as turning your back on your mother. You can still love her. You can still pray for her and hope she gets her grits together. What you cannot do, dare not do, is take on the responsiblity for making that happen.

Setting boundaries for her behavior in your (and your kids') presence might give her a wake up call. She needs to know that, while love is unconditional, visiting is not. If she wants to see you and the kids, she needs to know there are lines she can't cross without being shown the door. If you don't feel you can draw such lines (or enforce them), don't invite her over at all. Instead, go to her house and, if she gets loopy there, tell her you have to leave. She may say she can do what she wants in her own home and she's right. But, you don't have to stay and watch.

If you do this every time, she will get the message that your boundaries mean something. She still might not change her ways overall, but if she wants to see you and the kids, she'll know what she has to do.

This concept is hugely important. Most of the horrible things people have done to you stem from a combination of immaturity and bad or non-existent boundaries. Adults acting like children, addiction, betrayal, abuse, the whole mess comes from people who haven't grown up and who freely inflict their damage on anyone within reach.

You got out. You have a home and a family. You have worked and will find another job. You know there is a better way to live than the way you grew up. Don't let your love for your relatives suck you back into the melodrama and the trauma or your kids will pay the price.

Please, go to Al-Anon. The teaching is the same whether your loved ones are using drink or drugs or any other mind-altering substance or behavior. It's not about the drug of choice so much as it's about deciding how YOU will live your life. It's also about learning to spot manipulation a mile away and take evasive action. You need to equip yourself to fend off the guilt and the emotional wrangling that is sure to come if you decide not the play along anymore.

If you can do these things, your life will improve. It has to. You'll be dumping a load of guilt and a false sense of responsibility that is certainly sapping a good part of your energy right now. AND, you'll be teaching your kids that THEY don't have to accept bad treatment. You're going to be setting an example, one way or another. Would you rather be giving them the message that they have to cooperate with crazy-making people, that they have to agree to be used to be loved, that they can't protect themselves from abusers? Or would you rather convey the truth that they can choose sanity, set healthy limits, and get away from anyone who wants to do them harm, even if they're family?

Use your strength to make a good life for yourself and your children. Bar the door (and the phone) to anyone who is a drain or a threat. Ask for help from those who can be trusted. Be on the lookout for good, healthy people who can enter your world without tearing it to shreds. Be willing to forgive old hurts and accept new behavior, but always be alert to manipulation and cut it off the second you detect it.

As far as the kids and Christmas, contact the Salvation Army, a local food bank, and any churches in your area. There should be something available for a single mom trying to make ends meet. Especially since you just lost your job. Apply for any kind of aid that's out there and take whatever referrals you can get. You've paid into the system. Now it's your turn to use the resources those deductions bought.

You're a good girl. Your mother may not be able to say those words to you right now, but I can see your spirit in your words. You're a good girl and a good mom and you deserve to have a life free of unnecessary strife. You deserve to be happy.

NaomieRN

1,853 Posts

I am soo tired. I had to quit a very good job last week because I was forced out by some other co-workers, my mom is living with me and she is stressing me out, and my childrens father isn't helping me support them at all. It is about to be Christmas and I don't know how I am going to pay my house note for this month let alone have a Christmas for my children. Let me start from the beginning. My mom had to come stay with me for about three weeks because she is mentally ill and hasn't paid any of her bills and her lights and phone was cut off. My mom also abuses illegal drugs, so that was another reason why the bills wasn't paid, because she was spending all her money on dope. She is non compliant with her treatment regimen, and her living with me has been absolute hell. She cusses and talks to herself, she argues with the tv, I can't even discipline my children around her or she will butt in. She has eaten up all the food and dranked up all the drink, and she knows I don't have any money to be buying food and she hasn't offered to help in any way(what did I expect, she is mentally ill). I have caught her smoking dope out in the cold in my backyard, she is in and out of the house all day and night. I called the crisis line and asked them what should I do, and they said to call the police on her. I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to go through the motions of her crying, my children crying, and me just feeling like the total bad guy in all of this. I am trying to help her, but my patience has ran thin with her. She knows she needs help but she refuses to get it. She has a history with mental illness, she has been hospitalized for this before. She is currently receiving disability for it, so I can't see why she can't get the help that she needs. If I have her put in the hospital, she will be out in 72 hours or less. My mother used to be a psyche nurse coincidentally and she knows how to work the system and make it so she doesn't appear too crazy. Then, my children's father doesn't help me with them what so ever. He doesn't come and see them when he is supposed to, he isn't finacially supportive at all. I have been dealing with his harassing text messages and phone calls of him calling me evil dumb b@#$%, and other unmentionables, while I am struggling to take care of our children by myself. I have told him not to call or come over for the kids if he can't come and see them on the days we agreed he would see them. I have asked for some money from him and he tells me to wait on my child support check, which I haven't recieved since I put the order out in 2003 because he hasn't paid anything. And then the courts only ordered him to pay a measly $265 dollars a month, like that is going to help me. My gas bill is more than that. He owes me over $5000 dollars and I am the bad guy because I put the order out on him thats forcing him to pay the support at a set time not when he feels like paying it. I wouldn't even have done that if he was giving me something in the first place. Then to put the icing on the cake, he tells my kids that he is coming home knowing full well that thats not going to happen and he said that knowing how the kids feel about us breaking up. He knows the kids want him to come back home, and he knows thats not going to happen, and he tells them that?!!! I can't even go to school half way because I am always out trying to either work or find work, and he is living over his moms house getting over like a fat rat, with no bills to pay or any responsibilities. All I want to do is find some kind of decent paying work so I can finish school and become a nurse. That is all I want to do. I have absolutely no support system what so ever, and I am just sick of even trying because it seems like I can't even catch a break. I have nothing right now except my children and we might be out in the cold by next month if I don't come up with something fast. I am soo tired of dodging axes.I have no zest for life anymore :crying2: . I am just plain old tired and worn out. I have ulcers do to stress, my hair is falling out, my stomach stays upset. I can't even cry, I tried to make myself cry hoping that I would feel better, but I can't :uhoh3: . I am tired of crying, I have cried enough to the point where I can't even allow myself to feel anymore. I have even tried dating and all I seem to find are toads. I have been single for three years and I still haven't found anybody worth giving the time of day. I know this is long, thanks for reading.

The only person who can help you with all your problems and situations, is Jesus. You have to call upon the name of the Lord, He will save you. Jesus will give you strenght and courage to go on. You have to start praying for your mother and the father of your kids. Jesus is the healer, the comforter, the Alpha and Omega, He promised. You have to give your heart to Jesus. He is the Great I am. When everything failed, Try Jesus! Jesus will never fail!

sjb2005

245 Posts

Sometimes when people ask for guidance, they want to hear what they already know in their gut from others who are more objective. I hope that's the case with you. The tough choices will be a little easier if you already suspect them.

Your absolute first priority is to re-establish the safety and sanctity of your home. You wouldn't leave a loaded gun around your children, yet you allow your loose cannon of a mother to do drugs and engage in all kinds of scary behavior in their presence. For the sake of your children and your own sanity, she has to go.

It's not an easy thing to turn your back on some who neeeeeds you, but in this case, it's essential. Here is a litany of truth you can recite like a mantra when she's crying, begging, making promises, and hurling false accusations at you. She's an adult. Mentally ill or not, she still has choices to make. You can't spare her the consequences of those choices, but you CAN and you MUST protect yourself and your kids from her unhealthy choices and behaviors. The unstable mentally ill are not capable of making legitimate promises. Of course, they mean things when they say them, but their sincerity has all the tensile strength of wet tissue. You mother needs far more help than you can give her. Without that help, she will go down the drain, and if you haven't disengaged from her neediness, she'll take you and the kids with her. She can't put a stop to this so you have to. I was a psych nurse for years and I tell you, this is the truth.

I won't say any of this will be easy. You care about your mother and she knows how to push your buttons and exploit that caring. Right now, you can't afford to be emotional, and believe me, she will try to play with your feelings and pressure you to fold like a house of cards and take her back in. You can't do it.

So how do you pull this off in practical terms?

First, do not warn her. That might seem unfair, but think about this. She knows what you want and has had plenty of opportunity to comply. She doesn't need more information or yet another chance. She's battling addiction and mental illness--or rather, she isn't battling them--and she has demonstrated an inability and/or an unwillingness to change her ways. Even if you got temporary cooperation, it would be just that--temporary. You would have to ride herd on her constantly and that just sets up an oppositional tug of war. The only way to win is not to play.

Get your kids out of the house if possible. They don't need to see the scene that will undoubtedly take place when the moment of truth arrives.

Now for the hard part. The very next time she's doing drugs (or is drunk), call the police and ask them to remove her from your home. Stop up your ears to her drama and stay strong. Tell the police you don't want drugs (or drunkenness) in front of your kids, and insist they take her from the premises. Do not relent no matter what she says. You can't take care of her anymore.

Now for the harder part. Pack up her stuff and put it out of sight. Tell your kids that Grandma had to leave and you don't know when she'll be back. Don't take phone calls from her or her court-appointed public defender or her social worker or members of her treatment team or her friends or relatives or anyone else whom she dispatches to pull your heartstrings on her behalf, for at least six weeks. Longer, if you still feel vulnerable. They will all try to play on your sympathies so they can hand her back to you.

Now for the hardest part. Determine that you will love her from a distance for as long as it takes for you to develop immovable boundaries and for her to deal with her addiction and mental illness and be in compliance with treatment. Decide that you will keep that safe distance even if she never turns things around. If at some point, she's been verifiably clean, sober, and compliant for at least six months, agree to meet with her on neutral ground. Don't bring her around your children for a long, long time and then only after she's continued with treatment and whatever mental illness regimen she is on. Again, brace yourself for the reality that this might never take place. Cling to the knowledge that you can care about her even if you can't care for her and know that loving someone doesn't mean you have to put yourself or your children in harm's way to prove it.

Your mother has choices. You have choices. Your kids do not. They are depending on you to look after their best interests.. The feel-good choices (giving in to your mother's manipulation and guilt) will destroy your home. The feel-awful choices (evict this dangerous person even though she's your mother) will feel better in the near future as your head clears and the tension leaves your house.

If you're still not convinced, think of this. If you knowingly harbor someone who is doing drugs in your home, your ex or anyone else who wants to make your life even more miserable than it already is can call Child Protective Services and set an investigation in motion. CPS may not have enough grounds to take your children from you, but they can put you under a microscope and keep you there for a long time. Worst case, they could remove your children, at least temporarily. If someone is going to leave, would you rather it be your mother or your kids?

I wish I could come over and give you a hug. You're too young to have all this on your shoulders, and yet, you probably are very old in your spirit.

You may not have friends and relatives ready to step in and help you carry the load, but you DO have a virtual support system and we're here 24/7. One other very important thing, TAKE YOURSELF TO AL-ANON IMMEDIATELY (look in the phonebook). There, you will find like-minded folks who are or have been right where you are now. That kind of educated understanding is invaluable. You'll learn a lot from this group about how to let go of burdens that aren't yours to carry.

Once you have dealt with your mother, you will have more energy to tackle some of the other issues, and we'll be glad to give you all kinds of encouragement and ideas.

I don't envy you the task ahead. But, I have confidence that your love for your kids will prevail over the false guilt you mother will try to heap on your head. Ditch the image of the ungrateful daughter and put in its place that of a warrior mother who is putting aside her emotions to protect her children.

Please, please, please, come back and update us and let us build you up and care for you.

Be strong and of good courage. You have my prayers and sincere admiration.

DITTO.

Quit being a door matt. You are the child. Not the mother..of the mother. Only she can get her act together. Don't let her bring you down. As far as God goes..God loves you for what you have done...but you can't change her...only she can. God loves her if SHE reaches out. You are not her saviour...she has to do it. Now go reach out to God and focus on you and your family. If she can't do it...it's not your fault. This guilt stuff really gets to me. DONOT FEEL GUILTY. We are individuals, all born that way and the choices we make is what we should own. It's our own fault and not the fault of others!

tencat

1,350 Posts

I'm so glad you got up the courage to put her out. Good for you! Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you owe her ANYTHING if she won't give in return. Your family will try to keep you down because they don't want to see you rise above, but you have to for yourself and your kids. You sound like you have the ability to do it. You are smart and you want a different life for yourself. I'm not saying it will be easy, because it won't be. But you CAN change your life. I'm proud of you for standing up to your mother!

Annabelle57

262 Posts

Specializes in Burn/Trauma PCU.

wow. hugs to you! :icon_hug:

you are an extraordinary person... extraordinarily strong, loving, and courageous! no one who is weak could have endured what you have in your lifetime. you are going to be an excellent nurse, as well as a wonderful mom (which you are now).

i'm glad to hear your mom is back out on her own again. for what it's worth, evaluate your choices if and when this ever happens again (your mom having to live with you). your children are your #1 priority - you obviously love them and want the best for them, and having a house with illegal drugs inside, even if they belong to someone you love and care about, is one of the worst situations they can be in. they could get taken away. i don't say this to scare you - lord knows you need love more than anything else right now! but if it does come down to this again, i would not let her live with you if drugs and abuse are going to be present. taking a stand and refusing to have that in your home, regardless of what other people may think at the time, is going to be a much greater example of true love to your children than caving in and taking her in each time. i can't imagine how hard it would be to turn away your own mother... but it's something you have to do, if the situation happens again.

i will keep you in my prayers.

giada23

46 Posts

Thank you to everyone who posted to this. I have not spoken to my mother since I put her out two days ago. I hope she got home safely, but I am not going to call her or anything. My son snuck and called his father yesterday. I was angry, but what could I do. He is a child and he loves his father no matter how much of a deadbeat he is. I am just angry that I am in this situation and I am praying to God everyday that I find a permanent solution really fast. I don't want to have to ask or depend on anyone or anything. Thank you again everybody for your opinions and prayers, they are greaty appreciated.

Jerico, BSN, RN

298 Posts

Specializes in ER, NICU.
Thank you to everyone who posted to this. I have not spoken to my mother since I put her out two days ago. I hope she got home safely, but I am not going to call her or anything. My son snuck and called his father yesterday. I was angry, but what could I do. He is a child and he loves his father no matter how much of a deadbeat he is. I am just angry that I am in this situation and I am praying to God everyday that I find a permanent solution really fast. I don't want to have to ask or depend on anyone or anything. Thank you again everybody for your opinions and prayers, they are greaty appreciated.

I think you are a good mom in that you realize he is his Dad, no matter what. Try not to be mad at him, you are right, he is a child and he needs the other half of his parents, no matter Dad is a deadbeat.

What is important is that your son not identify with being a deadbeat. His male model sucks - and you need to reinforce to your son that he is good, even if his Dad makes mistakes and it is OK to want to talk with his Dad. Don't let him start feeling guilty about wanting to talk with his Dad - you WANT your son to be open with you about his desire to talk to Dad. I'd worry big time if he DIDN'T want to. So - it is good you know it is normal for him to want to connect with Dad.

Put your anger to work for you. Make plans. Start small - make lists of things you will do or say if confronted with your Mom again. Make signs to put up in your house, reminders to keep you strong when she calls, knocks on the door, or the authorities call you regarding her. Have a back up plan to defer to others. Put it in writing for yourself, keep it handy so when this happens (as it will - because when others figure out you have doormat tendencies :o - they graviate toward the big hearted and you will be tempted to give yet again. When you get the urge, STOP, read what you have written to yourself and then STAY on track toward YOUR needs and goals.

MAKE A PLAN. NOW. So that you will be able to HANG in there for YOU.

BTW: My nearly 20 yo son came to me today and said: "Mom, how come when you are a kid you think life will be easy? It isn't easy to be adult and it sort of pisses me off....".

Life is NOT easy. It is a challenge for ALL of us each and every single day to figure out ways to survive the trials and tribulations in life.

What makes life BETTER is knowing we are all human and need each other - and that there are people on boards like this who can love and support without strings.

Good luck, keep up the good work...you will survive.

topamicha

33 Posts

i don't know where to begin. i'm your age and have been through very similar circumstances. my mom is an addict, an alcoholic, very abusive, and very manipulative. she is great at painting herself as the victim, convincing those around her that their job is to sacrifice everything to rescue her. abusive people are experts at manipulation. remember this. they prey upon the kind. i am so glad you set boundaries. keep doing it. if you don't, she will take you and your kids down with her. i went through the guilt you are experiencing. it's terrible. even though you know it's illogical, it's there. and she knows it's there. that's how she controls you...or has controlled you. you need support and probably therapy. i know that a lot of people shy away from therapy, and i hope i'm not being rude by suggesting it, but from everything i've heard, it would benefit you greatly. i say this not just because of your past, but because you are having such difficulty setting boundaries that clearly need to be set. you need a cheerleader, someone who will support you and your choices...someone who can look at situations objectively and help you change thought patterns that are hurting you and your family. you have a struggle ahead of you. your mom is going to try every trick she knows to weaken your resolve, and you are going to need support to stay strong. if you can't afford it, try community services - there should be a county mental health center.

you said that you don't want to depend on anyone for help...but the fact is, we all need each other. even under the best circumstances, we need each other. perhaps you were referring to finances? i understand...i dream of the day that i will make enough money, i won't have to pray that the child support keeps coming. but the fact is, right now, you are in dire circumstances, and you need support and help. you need to utilize every resource there is - if you can't bring yourself to do it for you, do it for your children. you have no income except a meager amount of child support. you will qualify (at least in my state) for:

food stamps

cash assistance

housing assistance

childcare assistance

medical assistance

go to your county's child support enforcement unit if you haven't already. they will prosecute him for you. if he is employed and not paying, they will garnish him, especially if you get on public assistance.

i think you said he is sending you threatening messages. don't tolerate it!!! change your phone number. there is no reason you have to deal with that.

as to your mother...she is your mom, not vice versa. it is not your job to mother her. she is a big girl. she has choices. your kids don't. you are their only advocate. so don't feel guilty, you have no reason to. if she had been a loving mom and had alzheimers and you locked her up and threw away the key or kicked her out on the street, it would be different. that is when you have a responsibility to a parent. she didn't keep her end of the bargain. you cannot help those who don't want help. period. there is help available. if she doesn't use it, there are consequences. it's not your job to soften those consequences at the expense of innocent children. this is why i said you need therapy - escaping that cycle of guilty is difficult. all of which you probably know because you got her out of your house.

i hope things get better...don't endure this alone. resources are there because people need them. you are raising five kids!!! you are already doing a huge job, employed or not. don't feel bad for using the resources you paid your tax dollars into.

Maisie

247 Posts

I will pray for you. Please turn to God with your burden. He is there for you and can help you.

giada23

46 Posts

I will pray for you. Please turn to God with your burden. He is there for you and can help you.

Thank you for those words of encouragement.

giada23

46 Posts

i don't know where to begin. i'm your age and have been through very similar circumstances. my mom is an addict, an alcoholic, very abusive, and very manipulative. she is great at painting herself as the victim, convincing those around her that their job is to sacrifice everything to rescue her. abusive people are experts at manipulation. remember this. they prey upon the kind. i am so glad you set boundaries. keep doing it. if you don't, she will take you and your kids down with her. i went through the guilt you are experiencing. it's terrible. even though you know it's illogical, it's there. and she knows it's there. that's how she controls you...or has controlled you. you need support and probably therapy. i know that a lot of people shy away from therapy, and i hope i'm not being rude by suggesting it, but from everything i've heard, it would benefit you greatly. i say this not just because of your past, but because you are having such difficulty setting boundaries that clearly need to be set. you need a cheerleader, someone who will support you and your choices...someone who can look at situations objectively and help you change thought patterns that are hurting you and your family. you have a struggle ahead of you. your mom is going to try every trick she knows to weaken your resolve, and you are going to need support to stay strong. if you can't afford it, try community services - there should be a county mental health center.

you said that you don't want to depend on anyone for help...but the fact is, we all need each other. even under the best circumstances, we need each other. perhaps you were referring to finances? i understand...i dream of the day that i will make enough money, i won't have to pray that the child support keeps coming. but the fact is, right now, you are in dire circumstances, and you need support and help. you need to utilize every resource there is - if you can't bring yourself to do it for you, do it for your children. you have no income except a meager amount of child support. you will qualify (at least in my state) for:

food stamps

cash assistance

housing assistance

childcare assistance

medical assistance

go to your county's child support enforcement unit if you haven't already. they will prosecute him for you. if he is employed and not paying, they will garnish him, especially if you get on public assistance.

i think you said he is sending you threatening messages. don't tolerate it!!! change your phone number. there is no reason you have to deal with that.

as to your mother...she is your mom, not vice versa. it is not your job to mother her. she is a big girl. she has choices. your kids don't. you are their only advocate. so don't feel guilty, you have no reason to. if she had been a loving mom and had alzheimers and you locked her up and threw away the key or kicked her out on the street, it would be different. that is when you have a responsibility to a parent. she didn't keep her end of the bargain. you cannot help those who don't want help. period. there is help available. if she doesn't use it, there are consequences. it's not your job to soften those consequences at the expense of innocent children. this is why i said you need therapy - escaping that cycle of guilty is difficult. all of which you probably know because you got her out of your house.

i hope things get better...don't endure this alone. resources are there because people need them. you are raising five kids!!! you are already doing a huge job, employed or not. don't feel bad for using the resources you paid your tax dollars into.

thank you for your advice, its greatly appreciated.

giada23

46 Posts

UPDATE: I am doing a little better than I was when I first posted. I found another job on the 13th of this month, so I am glad about that. I will not be doing my medical assisting duties, but it is better than what I was doing, with opportunities for advancement. I will be a manager over an assisted living facility. I haven't found out how much I will be making, but I should find all that out In January. I haven't heard from my mother since I put her out of here on the 8th of this month. I am okay with that because I need a break from her after that ordeal. Thanks everybody for your support, and I will keep everyone posted.

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