Feeling no support from my husband at all...

  1. Hi. I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm working 24 hours per week as an RN, I'm going to school full time and have soooooooooo much homework every minute of the day and night, and I am the only one who is paying any of our bills, including the mortgage. We just bought a new house (our first house I mean) a few months ago, which I didn't even think we could afford, but my husband said he really thinks we should because we are wasting money living in an apt. I kept saying for a while, I don't know, I don't think we can afford it, but then we sat down and said, ok, this is how much I bring home per month with my RN job (me) and this is how much you bring home with your tennis teaching job (him). Then we realized we could do it. So we bought our house. Then I got accepted to grad school at the same time, and started classes last month. I think I was so caught up in everything that I never even realized until recently that somehow since we had that talk, Dan decided on his own that he didn't want to teach tennis anymore. He was just going to focus on his real estate job that he has been doing for a couple of years. Did I mention that he's made NEXT TO NOTHING in this real estate job, despite changing companies several times, getting a mentor, going to classes, etc....?!?!?! Plus he has NO BENEFITS at all with this real estate job. Which means I am now paying (and I am barely doing it with 24 hours per week) ALL OF OUR BILLS. Plus, I can't even cut back to per diem and work fewer hours to focus more on school (which is what I wish I could do, but know I cannot) because not only is he not making any money, but I have to keep 24 hours per week because I carry the medical and dental for both me and him. I could take the school's health insurance plan (if by some miracle I could go per diem) but I really couldn't do that because he has diabetes and wears an insulin pump and my school's skimpy health insurance plan would be fine for me, but horrible for him and WHAT HE NEEDS. Do you see where I am going with this? I feel like I am in this all by myself with no support from him. So I told him how I felt, and that we agreed we would both work our respective jobs (RN, tennis teacher) so we could pay the bills. I told him that was what we promised each other as husband and wife. I said how I WISHED I didn't have to work as an RN 24 hours a week, because going to grad school full time and studying on top of that is really killing me...not to mention what he is doing or not doing to me and us. I said why then is it fair for him to quit the one job of this that he making money on a regular basis, and forcing me to tak e on everything...and I can just barely do it...money-wise and sanity-wise. It is not fair. Then he says to me "Well, I'm going to make money in real estate. I have listings now. It'll happen soon." But it's not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really isn't!!!!! I told him he wasn't being realistic and that "maybe soon" does not in fact pay any of our bills right now!!!!! I said he needs to teach X amount of hours per week of tennis, which is what we agreed on anyways, and he said no, he didn't want to and why should he?!!?!?!! I told him I was miserable because I am sooooo stressed out and cannot possibly do everything myself (most of the time I have to hold his hands to get him to clean/take care of the house) and that I am crying all the time, and just not happy. He said he was sorry I was feeling that way. not in a nice way, he was and still is giving me so much attitude. And he is not being fair AT ALL. Then he said fine, I'll teach tennis,m but not because I want to, only because YOU told me to.!!!!! How do I deserve this kind of talk/attutude after all my sacraficing and putting his needs before my own for so long?!?!! So I went and saw a counselor at school, felt a tiny bit better, but still have this huge problem with him. I told him we need to see a marriage counselor, he said he would go, but honestly, I am so mad and angry and bitter and resentful of him right now, I cannot even stand him. Please tell me what you think. Is this a common problem? Has it happened to any of you? We've been married for only 2 years but I feel like it's not worth it if I am the only one who is compromising, and he can't even do something basic and simple and I am so mad and upset right now!!!!
  2. Visit christvs profile page

    About christvs, BSN, MSN, DNP, RN, NP

    Joined: May '05; Posts: 1,037; Likes: 119
    Nurse Practitioner; from US
    Specialty: 12 year(s) of experience in ACNP-BC

    43 Comments

  3. by   rrivera2
    Hugs (((Christvs). Sorry to hear about your stress and frustration. Try to keep the lines of communication open and encourage him to go to counseling with you. I think you will really have to have some strong, deep love for this man to see you through this. Hopefully he is not the kind of person who has always been taken care of as a young person and expects to be taken care of by you. Work through all of the issues that you have together - do you have the history of taking care of others - if so, that may be one of the things that drew you two together. A counselor will be able to help you both figure out what's going on and to set some goals for you both to reach (even though it sounds like you're working on your goals, huh?) :wink2: Marriage is about compromise and persistence, as well as devotion and sacrifice. The scales can stay unbalanced for a while but then it needs to weigh heavy on the other side (see-saw effect) in order for the union to remain healthy. Both of you need to be able to give, and take, when it is your turn. Too much giving and too much taking can kill a beautiful thing. All my best to you in resolving your frustrations and in your awesome endeavors careerwise. Ruth
  4. by   stickadoraRN
    i think this is a blessing for me to know that someone is also feeling the same way as i do.i am a second courser and my 2nd course is BSN after i graduated bs biology.i believe i've been through alot of perseverance,patience,and hard-working for my future with my own family.as of the moment, i still have no work bcoz i just graduated and passed our local board exam and now,im focusing on my review for the NCLEX.however,i feel the same way with my husband.ever since, he kept on promising that he will help me through with our lives as a family.we had an agreement that he should be working by now coz we have no other source of income aside from the support we get from our parents.he didn't finish his college which i asked him to do coz it'll be so important for us.coz here,it's almost impossible to find a good job unless you are a college graduate so i was thinking,how much more if he will be undergrad.he took alot of courses and didn't finish anything.i got mad and felt hopeless so i decided to work on my own and do the things on my own.then i asked him to find a job instead.he was also in areal estate and again, he didn't last there.he quit.and i was like,wait this is not good anymore.he promised me that he will find a job and earn money for the schooling of our child who will be starting his nursery year next june.and until now,we still have no savings at all.i planned to work and i really wanna work but i just cant coz i really need to pass the NCLEX and it's gonna be tough for me to serve two masters at a time.and i started to realize that even on our way to the states,it's still me who's going to find a way and i thought this is TOO UNFAIR.he's just living his life without any sacrifices..and i forsee myself being just like in your situation where i will be the only one handling all the expenses and living.i dont wanna go that far but until now,i dont know what to do.he has no directions and is completely dependent to me and our parents.i dont know if until when am i going to be patient for this kind of life.sometimes i wanna call it off..sometimes i think of getting out of the situation by having a separation.but im more concerned with our child, i dont want him to beling in a broken family thats why im trying to hold on.i just hope by the time we move to tha states,he would change and help with everything but i still doubt.what should i do? any suggestions?im really hopeless.............
  5. by   bcskittlez
    I got angry with you. It doesn't matter than you are doing something YOU don't want to do also (work 24 hours when you should be working per diem while in graduate school but because he wanted a house you have to work). Then he needs to do something HE doesn't want to do TOO! Don't even for one second be mad that he stated "i'm going to work the tennis job, but only because YOU wanted me too.." Be fine with that and think to yourself or be bold enough to tell him, "Great, and I will continue to work 24 hours and go to grad school not because YOU want me to or I want to but because I HAVE TO TO PAY FOR THIS HOUSE". I'm sorry.. let me calm down. Can you tell other married couples have the same issues?
  6. by   wubbakat
    Had a husband that came home from his job one day, shortly after I got my RN, and said "I've quit my job, and I think I will work out of the house now" Didn't quite sit too well for me, but supportingly I asked "Doing What?" He decided that he was going to do auto body repair in our back yard! We did not have a building, he didn't have the tools, and he was anticipating on getting everything he needed. Well, we did all that, I found that he was watching more TV during the day than doing anything in his line of work. I then insisted that he obtain a time clock, and punch in when he goes to work, to keep track of how long of a day he was putting in, he didn't go for that. Needless to say, after 8 years of marriage, we ended up going our separate ways. And the funny thing about it, it took an ugly divorce for him to do everything he said he was going to do when we were married, and he now has become quite successful. Weird enough, he attributes alot of his success to me, he said he would have not done it if he didn't have to, which he didn't when I was bringing home the money. It forced him into pushing to do something with his life. I thank goodness I was not in school when we were going through the leaner years. I don't know what kind of man your husband is, but you need to discuss with him NOW before it gets really carried away for you. I did not speak up soon enough.
  7. by   traumaRUs
    Is there anyway to cut to part-time at school? Then, working full-time would give you some options:

    1. Be easier to pay bills and insurance.
    2. Have more time for counseling.
    3. Be able to save some money.
    4. Give you some breathing room to decide if you want to continue this marriage.
    5. Be supportive of your husband's career choice but set limits to amount of time you will continue to fully support him.
    6. Did I say more time for counseling?

    I wish you the best. I can honestly say my husband was/is very supportive of me but it is still hard for him sometimes. Take care. I truly wish you the best and peace with the decisions you make.
  8. by   Gennaver
    Quote from christvs
    Hi. I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm working 24 hours per week as an RN, I'm going to school full time and have soooooooooo much homework every minute of the day and night, and I am the only one who is paying any of our bills, including the mortgage. We just bought a new house (our first house I mean) a few months ago, which I didn't even think we could afford, but my husband said he really thinks we should because we are wasting money living in an apt. I kept saying for a while, I don't know, I don't think we can afford it,

    ...but honestly, I am so mad and angry and bitter and resentful of him right now, I cannot even stand him. Please tell me what you think. Is this a common problem? Has it happened to any of you? We've been married for only 2 years but I feel like it's not worth it if I am the only one who is compromising, and he can't even do something basic and simple and I am so mad and upset right now!!!!
    Hello,
    I feel for you and am glad that at least you are speaking up.

    However since you did not want to buy the house I am baffled as to why "you" chose to do it, against your better judgement. It was your choice to do it an you have a "choice" to undo it too.

    If you cannot afford it, sell it, what sort of an investment is it if you are strapped, straddled and chained to a debt that you cannot service nor does it show any promise of servicing itself?

    In my opinion marriage is not a "compromise" but a "cooperation of efforts". This idea comes to me after two failed marriages, one of which didn't survive nursing school and I eventually realized that my partner was using all sorts of attempts to controll and manipulate me, (which did involve some aspects that your marriage has but, that doesn't mean much).

    A struggle for the little things is baffling. I mean they are nothing more than a distraction from school, work and moving forward with your dreams. Why is this daily stuggle going on? Is he causing them or have they always been there? If they've always been there why delve so strongly into them now? If they've always been there but you never noticed how they were holding you back and now you do, why expect him to change? I am just trying to ask if there is hope for this marriage? Is it stable now or was it ever stable enough to withstand changes? If the little issues are a daily struggle and cause major dissent between you both and unhappiness then heaven forbid what may happen when real issues of stress come along.

    Good luck!
    Gen
    p.s. happily divorced from someon whom I 'thought' was supportive yet revealed that he was a jealous, controlling, manipulative and physcially abusive husband...
  9. by   Gennaver
    Quote from wubbakat
    Had a husband that came home from his job one day, shortly after I got my RN, and said "I've quit my job, and I think I will work out of the house now"

    ... I don't know what kind of man your husband is, but you need to discuss with him NOW before it gets really carried away for you. I did not speak up soon enough.
    Hello Wubbakat,

    Mine was going to retire when I graduated too and work for himself, we were planning that but, goodness, there was no way I could continue to keep my hopes and faith hung upon his "star" so to say.

    It was not a marriage of partnership and it grew ugly. Thankfully we are no longer married. Phew.

    Gen-eyes open now
  10. by   christvs
    Quote from Skittlez
    I got angry with you. It doesn't matter than you are doing something YOU don't want to do also (work 24 hours when you should be working per diem while in graduate school but because he wanted a house you have to work). Then he needs to do something HE doesn't want to do TOO! Don't even for one second be mad that he stated "i'm going to work the tennis job, but only because YOU wanted me too.." Be fine with that and think to yourself or be bold enough to tell him, "Great, and I will continue to work 24 hours and go to grad school not because YOU want me to or I want to but because I HAVE TO TO PAY FOR THIS HOUSE". I'm sorry.. let me calm down. Can you tell other married couples have the same issues?
    Skittlez: do you mean you got angry at me because you think I should've stood up for myself? Cuz I honestly am. I really do stand up for myself. Unfortunately, this is all really, really getting to me and it's making me somewhat depressed and I'm crying all the time now because it's getting to me. It sounds like you can relate to my situation? I forgot to add something that happened last night. He said he was thinking about it and realized he was being defensive about his job and that he did know I was paying for everything and that he needs to be teaching tennis some of the time so he can pay for our bills too. But I am not going to be so quick to say that everything is all fine and rosy, I'm going to see if he really means it and see what he actually does now. So far he did teach a couple hours yesterday and he said he is working on getting more hours. So I will have to wait and see if he really means it. Again, he says he sees that he was wrong, but he has said this before about other things, and then when everything calms down, he goes back to how he was before. But I will give him a chance to prove me wrong. He really is a good guy but he was pretty much spoiled growing up and did not have to do a thing around his house...and he lived with his parents until we were married and never paid any of the bills then. So he had better change now, because i am really running out of patience and chances. And I am happy to be in our house now. I really do love it and want to keep it. I just think he and I should both be working to pay it, and he needed to snap out of his bubble and see that real estate is not something he can depend on to pay bills. His lack of reality was making me see him as a child and not even a real man. Thank you for letting me vent. I hope this works out, but I have to say that I am still feeling angry and resentful that he would even put me in this situation in the first place.
    Last edit by christvs on Sep 22, '06 : Reason: forgot to add something
  11. by   Gennaver
    Quote from christvs
    Skittlez: do you mean you got angry at me because you think I should've stood up for myself? Cuz I honestly am. I really do stand up for myself. Unfortunately, this is all really, really getting to me and it's making me somewhat depressed and I'm crying all the time now because it's getting to me. It sounds like you can relate to my situation?
    Hmmm,
    I don't know if I should suggest the book, "The dance of Anger" OR "The verbally abusive relationship" or, "Why does he do that?" OR "Ditch that jerk!"

    Depending on what is going on in a deeper level with your marriage there are different routes to go.

    However one route that I firmly suggest is counselling, an not necessarily joint counselling only. Why not go to a counsellor all for yourself and then a seperate one for the both of you.

    Regardless of your marriage, you sound like you could definately benefit from some one on one support! Regardless of what he may or may not need.
    Good luck,
    Gen-change is not easy but growth is worth it
  12. by   chelli73
    I Am Never Getting Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ever!!!!!!! !!!!!
  13. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from chelli73
    I Am Never Getting Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ever!!!!!!! !!!!!
    Yeah, and I signed for my divorce papers to be served yesterday and it will take a man pulling the moon out of the sky (literally) for me to ever want to get married again.
    Maybe it's just me, but I don't see why you should have to do ANYTHING for your husband. For one, he isn't watching any kids at home. Is he doing any housework (like that would matter).

    Bottom line is, he should have discussed this unilateral job decision with you BEFORE doing it. His actions are affecting you and that is just plain wrong. If he really wanted to start his real estate business, then he should have saved up enough money to help out with bills, discussed it with you and THEN he could have quit. He just punked out on you without your consent and that is not right.

    I guess I just have no sympathy for selfish people.
    A marriage is a partnership and no decisions should be made without talking and deciding on it together.

    What he is doing and NOT doing is just plain wrong and while I don't recommend divorce, I'd sell the house if I could and take his behind off the insurance until he decides to grow up and realizes he can't just do selfish things like that on a whim.

    Just my opinion.
  14. by   christvs
    Thank you for responding everyone. I really do appreciate it. Unfortunately, I am still not doing well, because my stomach/abdomen has been bothering me for a while now and I finally had it checked out. Turns out I have gastritis. I am sure the stress was a major contributor to it. I am taking pepcid for it, and am making sure I just eat bland foods for a while so I don't further irritate my poor stomach. My husband has agreed to teach tennis part time, but he's still not working many hours in it yet, and I'm so tired of arguing. I''m starting to just not care anymore.

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