Please Critique Admissions Essay

[Colleen2515]

please help critique! thanks!!

i would like to attend the _____ to become a highly-skilled and well-educated nurse. the _________ has an excellent reputation for its nursing program and i feel that i would contribute positively to the program upon admission. over the years, i have gained an appreciation for hard work while becoming a dedicated professional. i have worked hard in my prerequisite courses and i have strong professional recommendations that can attest to my on-the-job work ethic.

approximately four years ago i began working as a teaching assistant and athletic coach at a public high school in ________. like many young adults, i was unsure what career path i wanted to take, so i was happy to gain experience using my bachelor's degree in psychology to work with children with special needs. during my years as a teaching assistant, i thought about pursuing graduate study to become a certified teacher. while i loved coaching sports and working with children, the limited job prospects and budget cuts in every school district made me decide to not invest in a master's degree in education. i was advised by a mentor of mine to enter the field of nursing. she explained to me how i would be a great nurse because i have a compassionate and caring nature, i have the ability to take orders from others and i work well on my feet. after further researching nursing, i realized that it is a great career for me, befitting of my personality and would provide long term job stability. i would like to become a nurse where i will be able to care for people in a highly involved and personal way.

as a nurse, i will take full advantage of the experiences that i gained while working as a teaching assistant with special needs children. last year, i was assigned to care for a 15 year old diabetic student who made quite an impression on me. i learned a lot about diabetes from this student including not only the physical aspects of his disease, but also the social and emotional burden of having diabetes as a teenager. i observed how his disease made him physically ill and strained his relationships with his peers, teachers and parents. diabetes is extremely time consuming and physically draining; hard for an adult to manage but even harder for a young teenager. he rarely complained about the things that he was missing out on, but i knew he was cognizant of how isolated and "different" his disease made him in high school. every day that i went to work i thought of how i could help alleviate his suffering both physically and emotionally. on my free time i researched diabetes and tried to help him make good food choices during the day. i became in tuned to his blood sugar levels by watching his behavior. i developed a deep compassion for this student which i hope to take with me for every patient that i meet; i want to alleviate the pain and suffering of others.

i am driven to become a great nurse and i plan to pursue my potential in this career to the full extent. i appreciate the consideration that you have given my application and it would be an honor to be accepted into the nursing program at __________.

[Blessed05]

Hi! Looks great!! What school are you looking at? :)

[NCRNMDM, ASN, RN]

I think it looks good. When I started reading the essay, I was a little dubious because it was obvious that you had no healthcare experience to speak of. However, as I continued reading, and you began writing about caring for the diabetic teen, I changed my mind. The experience you had with him was somewhat akin to a nurse/patient relationship (you will learn about that in school). You illustrated your compassionate nature and your desire to help others by describing the work you did with him. The only thing I might change is the part about how nursing appeals to you because it provides job stability. I know that you also said you wanted to help people, but sometimes that isn't what admissions officials focus on. The talk of nursing being a stable field, along with the bit about you not pursuing education because of budget cuts and instability, may cause some admissions officials to feel that you are primarily in nursing because of the stability and fair pay. They may see financial gain and stability as your primary motive, and caring for the sick as a secondary, and less important, factor in your decision. With that being said, not all admissions officials are going to jump to that conclusion, but some certainly will. Nursing faculty want to see applicants who are truly passionate about helping others first. The part about helping the diabetic teen was great, because it showed that you do care about helping others, and that this isn't about stability or money for you.

I also think it's great that you didn't spend too long talking about your desire to help others. It is a necessary trait to have in order to be a nurse, but if you harp on about it too long during your admission essay without being very careful, you will end up sounding cliche and insincere. You may also want to include some of the other strengths you gained during your time as a teaching assistant. Are you great under pressure? Do you have wonderful organizational skills? Are you a good leader? These are all qualities that nursing programs love to see. This letter is how you sell yourself to the program you are interested in. Through it you market your skills, you present your personality, and you let it be known how interested you are in helping sick patients. Include all the major skills you have, let your good personality traits shine, and be honest. If you come off as genuine (which I think you did in this essay), compose your essay well (which you did), present yourself as a competitive applicant, and show earnest interest in the program, then you have a good chance of getting accepted. Good luck!

[ellefree]

One quick thing, is it "in tuned" or "in tune" with... I have always thought it was the latter.

[CDEWannaBe]

i would edit as follows:

i would like to attend the _____ to become a highly skilled and well educated nurse. the _________ nursing program has an excellent reputation and i would be proud to be part of it. i have done well in my prerequisite courses and have strong professional recommendations that attest to my on-the-job work ethic.

originally it was a mentor who recommended i consider a career in nursing. she thought i would be a great nurse because i have a compassionate and caring nature, the ability to take orders from others, and i am an active person who works well on my feet. after further research, i realized that nursing would be a great fit for me and give me an opportunity to help people.

for the last four years i have worked as a teaching assistant and athletic coach at a public high school in ________. while i love coaching sports and working with children, i realized the part of my job i liked best was directly helping students. last year, i was assigned to care for a 15-year-old diabetic student who made quite an impression on me. i learned a lot from the student, not only about managing the disease, but also its social and emotional impact on a teenager. each day i tried to help and encourage him live well with his diabetes. on my free time i researched diabetes and tried to help him make good food choices. i learned to identify if his blood sugars were high or low by watching his behavior and i developed a deep compassion for this student and that i hope to take with me in my work as a healthcare professional.

i am driven to become a great nurse and i plan to pursue my potential in this career to the full extent. i appreciate the consideration that you have given my application and would be honored to be accepted into the nursing program at __________.

[Stcroix, ASN, PhD, RN]

Were you given any guidance as to the length of the letter or content? My one comment is that is is on the long side. Long ago I worked on an admission committee and I can tell you that wordy letters were tedious. I thought that the succinct, to the point letters were by far more readable. Remember, the reviewer will be looking over a stack of these and enjoy brevity. If I were writing this letter and had no space limitations, I would try to have a letter no more than one typewritten page. When the time comes for writing your resume and job hunting, the same rules apply....one page only.

[Colleen2515]

Thank you for your recommendations. There were a few things I wound up changing in the essay. You make a good point about my reason for entering nursing and the focus should not be about job stability, but more about caring for people. I put that in because I was trying to explain a little about where I have been and why I have made the change from teaching to nursing. Wasn't sure if changing careers requires an explanation or not in an admissions essay.

I submitted my applications over the weekend. I am hoping for the best, but also very nervous!

[Colleen2515]

here is the final draft i came up with. not perfect by any means but i wanted to send out my applications.

dear sir or madame: 1/6/2012

i would like to attend ________ accelerated nursing program to become a highly-skilled and well-educated nurse. _____ has an excellent reputation for its nursing program, and i feel that i would contribute positively to the program upon admission. i have worked hard and have successfully completed several prerequisite courses. furthermore, i have strong professional recommendations that can attest to my on-the-job work ethic.

approximately four years ago, i began working as a teaching assistant and athletic coach at horace greeley high school in chappaqua, one of the most prestigious school districts in the nation. like many young adults, i was unsure what career path i wanted to pursue, so i was happy to use my bachelor’s degree in psychology to assist special needs children. during my years as a teaching assistant, i considered pursuing graduate study to become a certified teacher. while i loved coaching sports and working with children, budget cuts and limited job prospects led me to the decision not to invest in a master’s degree in education. i was advised by my mentor, who is a nurse, to explore the field of nursing. she explained to me that my compassionate and caring nature is well-suited for this profession. i have the ability to take direction from others, and i work well on my feet in a dynamic environment. after further research, i realized that nursing is befitting of my personality and is the career for me. i look forward to caring for people in a highly involved and personal way.

as a nurse, i will take full advantage of the experiences that i gained while working as a teaching assistant with special needs children. last year, i was assigned to care for a 15 year old diabetic student who made quite an impression on me. i became aware of diabetes and the impact this disease has on that student, including not only the physical aspects of his disease but also the social and emotional burden of having diabetes as a teenager. the physical effects of the disease are draining, hard for even an adult to manage. he rarely complained about his health and the things that he was missing out on, but he was still cognizant of how isolated and “different” his disease made him in high school. every day that i went to work i thought of how i could help alleviate his suffering both physically and emotionally. on my free time, i researched diabetes and tried to help him make good food choices during the day so that his blood sugar would neither drop nor spike. i became tuned into his blood sugar levels by observing and recognizing certain behaviors. i developed a deep compassion for this student which i will remember to take with me for every patient that i meet.

i have a strong desire to become a great nurse and i plan to pursue this career to my fullest potential. i appreciate the time and consideration that you have given my application, and it would be an honor to be accepted into your nursing program at ________.

sincerely,

[CDEWannaBe]

Your final letter was great! Good luck getting into the program.