Patients Say the Darnedest Things

by allnurses allnurses (Admin) Columnist Innovator Expert Nurse

Specializes in Largest Community Of Nurses, Students, & Educators.

With some of the things patients say, Nurses sometimes wonder if they are on a hidden camera TV show! Weird, wacky or even touching, those phrases stick with us. Think of your favorite thing a patient has said, submit it in the comments below and you'll be entered to win a $250 gift card!

Winner will be announced May 16, 2017

UPDATE June 5, 2017

The winner of the $250 gift card for favorite thing a patient has said from is user jndmj30 for:

Nurse: "do you check your blood sugar at home?"

Patient:"I used to but all it ever said was High"


2017 National Nurses Week - 7 Days of Giveaways

Edited by Joe V

NotAllWhoWandeRN, ASN, RN

Has 10 years experience. 791 Posts

"If you don't learn to behave, we're going to have to put you in some kind of home!" Said one resident to another in the locked memory care facility where I worked.



75 Posts

"Show me how to work this bed alarm so it doesn't go off."



Specializes in Medical-Surgical/Float Pool/Stepdown. Has 6+ years experience. 1,224 Posts

"Can't I leave to go smoke and then just come back to my room?"

NurseSpeedy, ADN, LPN, RN

Has 20 years experience. 1,599 Posts

Patient: "I'll be right back! I have to leave to go to my methadone clinic right now but I will come right back".

This was an ER that we spent over an hour and several attempts to FINALLY get IV access.

Nurse: "If you leave you will have to sign out AMA and we will have to remove the IV before you go. You can come back and start the process over if you choose".

Patient: "You can leave the IV in, really. I'll be right back after I get my methadone."

Nurse: "It doesn't work that way".

True story. It takes a lot to amaze me. Hearing this patient at first rendered me speechless. She was dead serious too.


cecile9155, BSN, RN

Specializes in Skilled Rehab Nurse. Has 6 years experience. 89 Posts

Had a new patient who was concerned about her insulin dose being too high and asked me to wake her up and check her blood sugar again at 2 am. When I did, it was well over 300. Her response, "Well, it might have been the chocolate bunny I ate."

NurseSpeedy, ADN, LPN, RN

Has 20 years experience. 1,599 Posts

"Hey, I need to borrow your scissors " Says confused patient in restraints



5 Posts

Explaining to a teenage boy how straight cathing work. He looks in horror after exposing to him where the tube goes and says "what do you mean up?"



1 Post

A new dialysis patient was wheeled in to our acute unit. The first thing she said to us was, "Are you going to steal my soul?!"



1,763 Posts

Elderly patient: "I've always been religious and have always believed in heaven, but I just don't know anymore. I mean, how in the world are we all going to fit up there?"

For the record, I made her feel better by quoting The Lion King...she just didn't know that's where I was getting my "wisdom."

"I don't know how that got up there, just take me to the ER"

NurseSpeedy, ADN, LPN, RN

Has 20 years experience. 1,599 Posts

I walked into a pre-op patient's room and introduced myself. I was looking up her labs when she asked me out of the blue, "have you ever walked in on a dead patient before?"....what the hell? Me, "I prefer my patients pink and breathing".