Nursing School Essay

[meesha467]

I am applying for nursing school and I have to turn in my application this week. I am so nervous about the essay I wrote because I don't think it says enough. I had a sociology teacher recently tell me my writing pretty much sucks and I am scared the school will think so as well. Please give me your brutally honest opinion. We had to answer (1) Any experiences, activities, or accomplishments that have fostered your personal growth and prepared you for a leadership role in nursing; (2) Your reasons for selecting nursing as a career; and (3) What influenced you to select XXX School of Nursing. I don't know if it's detailed enough, too long or too short lol. Please any insight would be appreciated.

Growing up, I have always felt that my mother was different from others. She was continually courageous, eloquent, and never afraid to take the lead. She attributed this bravery to her training as a registered nurse. Her confidence lit a spark of fascination in my young mind, and I knew I wanted to build a career that would challenge me to be the best person I could be. I worked hard throughout primary school and was accepted into an academically challenging high school in Philadelphia, PA. I quickly discovered a passion for science and excelled in Biology.

Though I did well in high school and graduated with honors, I decided to join the work force to experience diverse occupations. Eventually, I gravitated towards the customer service field. I was already self-aware of my love for working with others, but it was customer service that uncovered my desire of solving problems for people in need. This satisfied me for a time, but eventually I felt incomplete.

I thought back on a time that I felt most proud, and remembered how exhilarated I felt after volunteering to help refugees relocated from the Hurricane Katrina disaster. These people, who were not much different from my own family and friends, needed not only my physical support, but emotional as well. I only required instruction once from the shelter I was assisting, and was able to lead a team in acclimating refugees to their temporary homes, while providing a sympathetic ear and encouraging words. I welcomed the challenge of thinking critically in a fast-paced environment and making decisions based on my observations. It would be an honor to work among medical professionals and assist physicians in a team effort to treat and encourage people in their time of need. The memory of this experience only assured that not only did I want to be a nurse; I was born to be a nurse.

After researching multiple nursing programs in Pennsylvania, I read an article listing XXX School of Nursing as a top ten nursing program in the state. It highlighted XXX's high completion rate and state of the art facility. I consulted several registered nurses and they advised that hospital-based nursing institutions were difficult, but prepared you more efficiently for the rigors of the nursing field. Being aware of the demanding nature of nursing school, I sought to continue my education in a more rural area than Philadelphia. I needed to ensure a successful immersion into my collegiate career.

In 2016, I made the decision to move my two children to XXXX to pursue my goals. Currently, I am enrolled at XXXXX Community College, taking courses to prepare myself to be a potential student of this program. I maintain my passion for biology as I excel in my classes. I believe I can become a XXXX School of Nursing graduate and begin my nursing career at the best institution possible. Teaching my daughters that we all have the ability to evolve and persevere is a lesson that I want to show, rather than tell.

[idkmybffjill]

The organization and wording is pretty good. I think there are some areas to improve though to better get your points across.

First, you need to bring the first paragraph back to nursing specifically. You mention it once regarding your mom and then not again until the end of the second paragraph. What about nursing specifically fulfills you? Why nursing instead of working for a non-profit or a charity, which would also challenge you, allow you to solve problems for those in need, and be in a people-oriented job? Whatever your answer, you need to bring it back to nursing and address that specifically, not just mentioning elements that have to do with nursing without saying it. (Also, I wouldn't say, "Though I did well in high school and graduated with honors, I decided to join the work force to experience diverse occupations." It makes it sound like you feel people who go directly into the workforce aren't intelligent and/or reinforces negative stereotypes. You can just say you graduated with honors and began to work in the customer service field.)

Second, go more into your actual leadership skills and what you did specifically as a leader during Hurricane Katrina. Even just a sentence or two talking about a specific situation you dealt with or specific duties would be helpful. It'll show that you are a leader, not just that you can say you are.

Third, I'm not sure your last two paragraphs really give me much here. A lot of the details, such as where you are going to school now, that you consulted nurses about hospital-based nursing institutions (unless there was a greater point there that you didn't fully go into?), and that you sought to complete your education in more rural area than Philadelphia, doesn't really matter. It seems like a lot more detail than needed when you can say less detailed things with the same effect and then have more time to fully explain your points. In that, I mean you need to explain why you mention all these details. Are you talking about rural areas because this school is in a rural area and you want to tell them that you aren't going to move away? Is this a hospital-based nursing institution surrounded by other programs that aren't? If so, say something like, "Though hospital-based nursing institutions like XXX tend to be more difficult, I believe this program will best prepare me for the rigors of the nursing field and allow me to reach the high standard I need to care for the lives of others." That way, you are bring the actual program into the reason and better show why you bring up this detail.

Also, think about what the goals and values of the institution are. Appealing to how your goals and values line up with theirs tends to be more effective than telling them you want to go to their school because of their high completion rate or their various assets. The latter is only things that will help you in the future. The former is something that might actually benefit them because they know you'll be able to represent their school, bring in students, etc. You may want to continue with that vein too. Find things about the school that draw you to it but that you would be able to contribute to in some way, so that they would know how they could benefit from accepting you, not just how you would benefit.

Also, you have some grammatical mistakes. Semicolons are used to separate two complete sentences, not how it's used in your essay. You don't generally put a comma before "while."

[meesha467]

Thank you!! I really appreciate your feedback and will revise asap!