What's the funniest thing you've heard a patient say?

  1. I need a little humor this morning. I'd be interested in hearing about the funniest thing you ever heard a patient say! :chuckle

    Status post CABG w/ aortic valve replacement on PCA pump:
    "There's a pig over there on that wall."
    RN "What kind of pig?"
    "A regular pig."
    RN "What color is it?"
    "It's a wall colored pig."
    RN "Why are you seeing pigs?"
    "Because I got a piggy valve!"

    Cardioversion:
    Patient finally drifts off to la la land due to sedation.
    Cardiologist hits shock.
    Patient jumps up in the bed . . . "Ohh! That was a premature ejaculation!"
  2. Visit MistyDawnRN06 profile page

    About MistyDawnRN06

    Joined: Mar '05; Posts: 156; Likes: 179
    Specialty: ICU

    37 Comments

  3. by   safewaygreenbox
    The other day one of my pts who requires regular bladder washouts said 'I think I need anouther blow job nurse!' It made the other pts who overheard giggle!!

    Kay the 2nd
  4. by   KarafromPhilly
    My cute little old man, a few hours post op open choli said to me, "Nurse, could you close my door? I don't want any animals coming into my room while I'm asleep." I said, firmly, "Well, there BETTER not be. This is a HOSPITAL; there are no animals allowed in here. Now, I'll be coming by to check on you in a bit." He smiled at me and I smiled back and closed the door quick, before he could see me giggling.
  5. by   Gator,SN
    We had a very confused little old lady one day and she was screaming "Somebody help me! Somebody help me!" over and over. It was very frustrating and we had all tried hard to calm her down. Finally one of the RN's went into the room and very firmly said, "Mrs Smith, stop screaming, someone will be in to help you in a little while-we are very busy today, OK?"

    Bless her heart, she agreed without hesitation and the nurse emerged from the room quite satisfied.

    As I was walking down the hall I heard her start screaming all over again."Somebody help me in a little while, Somebody help me in a little while!"
    I just about doubled over with laughter.
  6. by   malenurse1
    Last night I had a patient with left leg cellulitis ask me if he was invisible ... I figured it was just the PCA talking, then I found out that the physician suspects that he may be schizophrenic! I told him that I found his arm to get his blood pressure, therefore I could safely reassure him that he was, in fact, quite visable.
  7. by   Antikigirl
    When I was 14, I was a candy striper at a local hospital. We had gotten in a man who was in a motorcycle accident and lots of head trauma. He was on LOTS of meds, and he was a little out of sorts..LOL!

    So I walk in and he is screaming and frightened out of his mind! He thought he was an FBI agent and the KGB was outside his window trying to kill him! Since we were on the 9th floor I calmly assured him that there were no KGB agents and talked him down out of his panic. I offered to get him a coffee (decaf of course) and he agreed.

    SO I got him some coffee, and it was that packaged coffee you just add hot water too out of the very hot water tap. I mixed it with sugar and cream like he wanted, and brought it too his room.

    Well...my bad, left the spoon in so that he could stir it with additional sugar if he needed and well...plastic does indeed melt! He pulled out the spoon and the round part was totally distorted! OKay now I had a probelm...the KGB was now poisoning him! Oh man!!!!!

    Took a few days before he would eat or drink again!!!!! DOH!
  8. by   Antikigirl
    Just recently a 101 year old man came up to my caregivers saying "My plumbing is gone!" in a panic (well I would be too if I thought my 'plumbing' was missing!). He was a sweet man but very confused...so my caregivers tried so hard not to laugh as he fundled in his pants trying to 'find' it!

    Of course they call the nurse to investigate..LOL!

    So I come in there and say "so I hear your plumbing is missing?" and paniced he said yes...maybe my horse ate it (he use to raise police horses). And I calmly asked if he could pee...he said "of course I can silly girl...I can pee with the best of them...I can get 10 feet and write my name in the snow if I wanted". Okay trying hard not to laugh I said..."well lets go into the bathroom and you can show me how you pee!".

    Sure enough...WE FOUND THE PLUMBING! LOL!!!!!! He was sooooooo relieved! And I walked out so red faced the caregivers had the biggest laugh! Finally I busted up so hard I had to go outside and compose myself! I felt compassion for this poor man because that would have freaked me out too..but oh how funny to be there!
  9. by   elizabells
    Quote from TriageRN_34
    so my caregivers tried so hard not to laugh as he fundled in his pants trying to 'find' it!
    Okay, I don't know if that was a typo, but fundled is my new favorite word. It's like a combination of fondled and fumbled, and I got such a funny mental picture!
  10. by   Antikigirl
    That is too funny Elizabells, I typed it wrong and thought the same thing you did and chose to keep it! Yep a TriageRN new word of nursing...soon to be a NANDA diagnostic term soon...Fundled! LOL!!!!!!!!!!
  11. by   student4ever
    Our ER is directly accross from our state's most notorious party university. Of course, that leads to lots and lots of silly patients, most with ETOH, n/v, etc. All of which are usually accompanied by about 20 hysterical friends who have just about as much ETOH on board as the pt! One night tho (on graveyard, what else) I had a young hispanic student from this university arrive by EMS, very altered. EMS had found him laying in the road near a block party and hauled him in. He was somewhat alert and talking (at the top of his lungs for the whole ER to hear) but for every question we asked he would give a partial answer and then get stuck on that answer for 5 minutes. It was slightly frustrating, because he was speaking a mixture of English and Spanish. Since I'm bilingual, I was trying to help the registration clerk get at least a first and last name since the university's address book lists addresses and phone numbers for all their students, and she could get basic info with just his first and last name. I had asked him repeatedly in both Spanish and English, what his last name was, and all he would say was "Jose." Finally, I looked him right in his glassy eyes, and said, "Jose, if you don't tell me your last name, we're going to have to call the university cops, they'll find out who you are, and then they'll probably arrest you for causing us problems." That brought him out of his stupor long enought to shout loud enough that the whole ER and probably radiology next door to hear "My name is Jose Cuervo you dumb*** (*&%$*&^!!!!!! The registration clerk and I could barely keep from doubling over laughing, because he still had his tequila bottle in his hand - yep, you guessed it, Jose Cuervo! 6 hours later when he woke up, he didn't remember any of it... and strangely enough, his real name wasn't really Jose - or Cuervo!
  12. by   nibot
    As a student on a long stay Psychiatric unit i was met on my first day by a highly eleated gentleman. He introduced himself and invited me to see his room. He was a heavy smoker and rolled his own cigs .
    He opened his locker and proudly showed me the remains of a hardback book. "Some people read it but I", he informed me, "have smoked the entire works of Shakespeare".
    Indeed he had, in fact he was on his third copy. He found the paper thin enough to roll his own and the hardback easy to rob from the hospital library -cheaper than buying cigs - he reconed.
    I thought it was so funny and he was so proud. As you may have guessed this was in the days when patients were allowed to smoke on the wards. Times have changed - at least in this part of the world.

    Quote from MistyDawnRN06
    I need a little humor this morning. I'd be interested in hearing about the funniest thing you ever heard a patient say! :chuckle

    Status post CABG w/ aortic valve replacement on PCA pump:
    "There's a pig over there on that wall."
    RN "What kind of pig?"
    "A regular pig."
    RN "What color is it?"
    "It's a wall colored pig."
    RN "Why are you seeing pigs?"
    "Because I got a piggy valve!"

    Cardioversion:
    Patient finally drifts off to la la land due to sedation.
    Cardiologist hits shock.
    Patient jumps up in the bed . . . "Ohh! That was a premature ejaculation!"
  13. by   MacNurse
    "I know what you're trying to do to me...you're trying to sell me a house!" confused little old lady @ 2am
  14. by   synkitty
    this one comes from the days of patient restraints.
    we once had to restrain a man who continually climbed out of bed and fell. the next day walking past the room i heard him call out "does anyone have a knife? anyone, i just need a knife". i walked in and told him we didn't have any knives, but what did he need it for?" he replied " i need to cut myself out of here!".
    later that afternoon i heard " does anyone have an airplane knife? a plastic knife? anything?" unfortunately, an unwise staff member gave him one and we had to replace the restraint due to the large cut. now we were all wise to his calls.
    next day i walked past and heard him say, " does anyone have a pair of scisscors?", to be honest i walked in and told him no-one had a pair of scissors.
    the next day i heard from his room, "does anyone have an axe?", by this stage i was laughing all the way down the corridor. that was until the next day..
    walking past in a rush i heard a little voice yell out "anyone, anyone at all.. does anyone have a chainsaw?"!!!

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