Letter From Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind. I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heer'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations
on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights
that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me
(Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will
be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song
title will be Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"
and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Dec 8, '02
YeeHaw!..glad i live in OHIO!...........
Dec 8, '02
HEY! I live in Alabama--so what does this mean for me??
Dec 8, '02
I suppose it means we here in Alabama need to run out and buy some RC colas, Moon Pies, and Pork Rinds for Bubba Claus. I'll have to find something for him to use as a spit can and check the TV listings for the new movies that will become a part of our new traditions around here.
I sure will miss Santa Claus this year and hope his contract can be renegotiated before next Christmas rolls around!!!
Anaclaire from Alabama
Dec 8, '02
Whew, glad I live in Wisconsin! We leave beer for Santa...