Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't.
A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.
Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.
Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn 't.
One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.
No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.
Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.
Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.
The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
You never are as good as other people's children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.
The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.
Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.
If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well.
There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.
Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.
Murphy's mother told him so.