From: Santa Claus

  1. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
    will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
    Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
    Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

    Due to the overwhelming current population of the
    earth, my contract was > renegotiated by North
    American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
    As part of the new and better contract I also get
    longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
    mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in
    good hands with your local replacement, which happens
    to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
    family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
    delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
    however, there are a few differences between us.
    Differences such as;
    1.There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
    presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
    sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
    insured by Smith and Wesson."
    2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
    that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a
    moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
    pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
    an empty spit can handy.
    3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
    flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
    mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
    Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
    4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
    Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
    you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
    and Petty."
    5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
    you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
    6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
    sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle
    on the back with the words "Back Off."
    7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
    on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will
    not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
    you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
    "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
    Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
    crashing into each other.
    And Finally;
    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you and
    I was down stairs when he arrives, I'd make sure
    you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way
    when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus
    Member of North American Fairies and Elves, Union 1225
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    About betts

    Joined: Oct '01; Posts: 1,024; Likes: 20
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  3. by   karenG
    donmurray beat you to this one!!!