I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was > renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement, which happens
to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as;
1.There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.
3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle
on the back with the words "Back Off."
7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will
not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you and
I was down stairs when he arrives, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Member of North American Fairies and Elves, Union 1225
Dec 14, '02
donmurray beat you to this one!!!