Beer drinkers trouble shooting guide

[nursebedlam]

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.

SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there.

FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp.

ACTION: Ask bartender for another Guinness

[RN92]

Hello and welcome to Mental Health Hotline....

:rotfl: If you are Obsessive Compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly

:rotfl: If you are co-dependent,please ask someone else to press 2 for you

:rotfl: If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5,and 6

:rotfl: If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call

:rotfl: If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother ship

:rotfl: If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press

:rotfl: If you are Manic Depressive, it doesnt matter what number you press, no one will answer anyway

:rotfl: :rotfl: If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969696969

:rotfl: If you have a nervous disorder, fiddle with the *key untill someone answers your call

:rotfl: If you have amnesia, please press 8 and state your name, phone number, date of birth, address, mothers maiden name

:rotfl: If you have Post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000

:rotfl: If you have Bipolar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep

:rotfl: If you have short term memory loss, please press 9; if you have short term memory loss, please press 9; if you have a short term memory loss, please press 9

:rotfl: If you have low self esteem, please hang up now. Our operators are too busy to talk to you

*******credit to medi-smart.com*********

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

Hello and welcome to Mental Health Hotline....

:rotfl: If you are Obsessive Compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly

:rotfl: If you are co-dependent,please ask someone else to press 2 for you

:rotfl: If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5,and 6

:rotfl: If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call

:rotfl: If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother ship

:rotfl: If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press

:rotfl: If you are Manic Depressive, it doesnt matter what number you press, no one will answer anyway

:rotfl: :rotfl: If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969696969

:rotfl: If you have a nervous disorder, fiddle with the *key untill someone answers your call

:rotfl: If you have amnesia, please press 8 and state your name, phone number, date of birth, address, mothers maiden name

:rotfl: If you have Post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000

:rotfl: If you have Bipolar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep

:rotfl: If you have short term memory loss, please press 9; if you have short term memory loss, please press 9; if you have a short term memory loss, please press 9

:rotfl: If you have low self esteem, please hang up now. Our operators are too busy to talk to you

*******credit to medi-smart.com*********

Hahahahaha!!! I like your signature line. It's soooo true.