Marriage Is over

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Hi guys I need some advice.

When do you know your marriage is over? Ive been with my husband for 6 years and I just feel that there is nothing left. I feel that we have grown in different directions and no longer have much in common but our son.

My life is changing and i feel that there has to be a change as well in all aspects of my life. Who else has had these feelings, and what is your advice.

It is also difficult because we have a son and I dont want to let him down :crying2:

any advice would be great

Thanks Lace :o

MellowOne,

I showed my wife our posts and she said:

"MellowOne sounds like a sexist pig and Husband doesn't sound like the sexist pig that he actually can be... and when is he going to get off the PC and paint the kitchen?"

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Specializes in midwifery, ophthalmics, general practice.

I have read this thread............ and all I can say is I am so glad I am not married to mellow one............ you would have been murdered years ago!! Nothing gives you the right to expect to have your sexual needs met over the womans wishes!

to the original poster............. I have been where you are.... its the toughest thing I have ever.. deciding to end my marriage. Yes, we went for counselling- cost me a fortune! it made not a jot of difference. I will ask you the question I was asked by a very good friend........... she asked me 'where do you see yourself in 5 years and who with??' I left.. and am now much happier than I have been for years.. totally broke but who cares!

take care and good luck

Karen

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I have read this thread............ and all I can say is I am so glad I am not married to mellow one............ you would have been murdered years ago!! Nothing gives you the right to expect to have your sexual needs met over the womans wishes!

Then would you say that my wife does not have the right expect to have her emotional needs met over my wishes? When she feels that she wants to talk, or go to lunch, or just relax together, is it okay for me to ignore my wife's need because I don't feel like it? It's okay for me to just ignore her and watch the game because those are my wishes?

The pendulum seems to have swung from one bad to another. It used to be that the wife was expected to fulfill the husbands needs and put her priorities in the background. That was a bad thing. The Oprah generation has moved to the opposite. The wife's needs and wants are the priority and the evil patriarch is to shutup, accept the nagging, and not expect sex from his spouse until she's damned well good and ready. If the wife doesn't want sex at all, hubby is to shutup and accept this with a smile and a "Yes, dear." This is also bad. There needs to be balance, with understanding and sacrifice on both sides.

I simply don't understand the view that it's absolutely fine for the wife to be selfish and unconcerned about her husband's needs.

Here's something from one of my posts that folks accusing me of being a bad husband seemed to have glossed over.

I'm not implying that a fat slob in a dirty t-shirt says, "Now woman." and the wife comes running. Marriage is a two-way street that involves respect and mutual sacrifice. Sacrificing an hour (or 2 or 3 or 8 :blushkiss ) to have sex with your spouse to fulfill his/her needs surely isn't too much to ask.">

That's the same for husbands, by the way. I work with several female nurses who complain that their husbands don't meet their sexual needs.

If you're going jump in with personal attacks, please do so with everything that I've posted taken into consideration rather than posting a knee-jerk reaction to a few out of context statements.

By the way, given that you say that you would kill your spouse if he expected sex from you, I'm glad that I'm not married to you as well. You might rethink your view of me if you actually knew me.

My wife doesn't want to work outside the home, so she doesn't have to. I have two jobs, and start a third next week so that she can be a stay-at-home mother. When she wants to sit and talk, we sit and talk. She has OCD, and many would have left her. I stay devoted to her and our sons.

Such harsh judgement based on a couple of posts in a nursing forum does credit to nobody. Disagree with me, but do so with reason addressing what I've actually posted.

Be well...

The Mellow One

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
HOW THE HELL did this thread go from someone posting about their marriage being over, to a debate about GOD, the universe, etc etc??!!!!!

That's what i was wondering.

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MellowOne,

We got off the track as Lacie doesn't want sex and her husband doesn't see that as a problem. I think that both Lacie and her husband have a problem as a married couple SHOULD want to have sex with each other. You, however, gave the indication (more by your tone) that you believe a women MUST have sex with her husband because of the Bible.

You were careful this time to use terms like "his/her" but then said "That's the same for husbands, by the way" and you seemed to be providing a few "excuses" for wives to not have sex rather than just say that they don't have to if they don't want to.

Lighten up and don't take karenG's comments about you being murdered seriously. She probably would have just castrated you in the middle of the night.

Sorry your wife has OCD but saying that "many would have left her" is a bit harsh.

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MellowOne,

We got off the track as Lacie doesn't want sex and her husband doesn't see that as a problem. I think that both Lacie and her husband have a problem as a married couple SHOULD want to have sex with each other. You, however, gave the indication (more by your tone) that you believe a women MUST have sex with her husband because of the Bible.

You were careful this time to use terms like "his/her" but then said "That's the same for husbands, by the way" and you seemed to be providing a few "excuses" for wives to not have sex rather than just say that they don't have to if they don't want to.

Sorry your wife has OCD but saying that "many would have left her" is a bit harsh.

I'm not a fundamentalist, and I don't take every word of the Bible literally. It is, however, a great source of wisdom. The verses that I quoted basically said; 'If you don't take care of your spouse, he/she is going to start looking elsewhere. Do your business.' Does this not make sense?

If a woman loves her husband, why would she not want to have sex with him? Is marriage not about give and take, selfless love, mutual sacrifice? Or is it now, in the Oprah generation, only about how the woman feels?

Also, every time I stated that a wife should have sex with her husband, I qualified it with the requirements of the husband. As I said previously, the pendulum has swung so far that any demands of the husband on the wife are seen as sexist, and any demands of the wife on the husband are seen as okay. This is not good.

It's a piss poor era that we live in that someone who believes that married people should have sex is seen as sexist, insulted, and threatened. Then again, male-bashing isn't sexist, now is it?

As far as my wife's OCD, it's not harsh to say that many would have left her. It is reality. We went to a marriage counselor once. He was a very nice older gentleman. When I described our home life and sex life to him, he put his hand to his mouth and said, "Oh my goodness. Is that true?" It was true, and my wife refused to go to counseling again. She wouldn't be told that she's wrong about anything.

Of course, being the man, I should stay with her without question, accept the nagging with a humble, "yes dear," not expect sex, or even affection, and just work my *** off to support the family. Well ladies, if that's your view of marriage, it's no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Be well...

The Mellow One

www.nursesforbush.org

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MellowOne,

Maybe being the sole wage earner makes you think differently than me. My wife is a full time nurse, earns more money and works a lot harder than me so I can't whine about her getting a better deal or think of myself as a martyr.

I agree with you about male bashing not being seen as sexist when it should but I just think it's funny and harmless. I especially like the TV ads where all the husbands and sons are dumb. During a lunchtime conversation, a guy at my work said he liked big cars. A woman said, "All men with big cars have a small member" and wiggled her little finger at him so he replied, "Does your Mazda 323 indicate that you have a large lady parts?" The women laughed at her remark but not his? Then there are remarks like "Nice buns" that are accepted from women when "Nice tits" from a man could result in a claim of sexual harassment. Also, women in business (my work) talk and joke about their sex life (or lack of) all the time but the men do not, even with just men present.

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.

I agree with you about male bashing not being seen as sexist when it should but I just think it's funny and harmless. I especially like the TV ads where all the husbands and sons are dumb. During a lunchtime conversation, a guy at my work said he liked big cars. A woman said, "All men with big cars have a small member" and wiggled her little finger at him so he replied, "Does your Mazda 323 indicate that you have a large lady parts?"

I don't mind good natured sexist humor. The problem is that it's bled into the culture that says that when there are marital problems, the woman is right and the man is wrong. Her priorities are priority, his are not. Her emotional needs are important, his sexual needs are not.

That is the problem.

Be well...

The Mellow One

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Shoot, if you're a typical male, then I'm probably a chauvinist pig who wants to establish a patriarchy in which women don't vote, work outside the kitchen, or own property.

Still...I'm there. Might be fun...

Be well...

The Mellow One

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