Marriage Is over - page 4
Hi guys I need some advice. When do you know your marriage is over? Ive been with my husband for 6 years and I just feel that there is nothing left. I feel that we have grown in different... Read More
Apr 14, '04Joined: Dec '02; Posts: 41,761; Likes: 48,078Adultery, Abuse and Addiction . . . . the three reasons for a divorce in my mind.
Boredom - no. No person on earth will ever keep you entertained every moment of your life and it isn't fair to expect that. It reminds me of my kids in the summer . . ."I'm bored" . .well, then you are a boring person kiddo and you'd better get some new hobbies.
Women talk about all sorts of sexual things when men aren't around. Just get a group of the female nurses I work with together and listen! :chuckle I've been in bible studies where the subject has come up. Have also mentored women struggling in that area.
Sexual attraction waxes and wanes even in the best relationships. It isn't fair to say you are bored with your spouse and not expect that they are probably a bit bored with you too.
Sometimes I think we boomers (and the groups after) have grown up with the wrong idea about marriage being this romantic love affair and it really isn't. It is hard. And wonderful. And boring. And inspiring.
To give up, especially when you have kids, because of boredom seems selfish to me. Boredom is something that can be changed. It ain't all about me, me, me, me, me . . . . . .
Apr 14, '04Occupation: Nursing Student Joined: Apr '04; Posts: 35Okay, Husband maybe you are an atheist then. I find that many who think of themselves as atheists are really agnostic. After all how can any of us really KNOW that there is or isn't a God. Even if an angelic being of light appeared to us and posed for a picture how could we know that it was an angel and not some other phenomina such as PSI, aliens, or even home grown advanced technology? My main point was that in the final analysis believing in a God that always was, and always will be is beyond the grasp of sanity. So also is the belief that the Universe "exploded" into existence from a singularity (after all where did the singularity come from and if you say a previous universe that collasped upon itself I will ask where did THAT universe come from; and if you subscribe to the discreditied steady state theory I will ask how can something NOT have had a beginning?) In the end the only thing that we can be sure of is that we think therefore we exist, at least in some form. Since all of reality reduces the human mind to madness upon close examination, I say pick the madness which gives you the most comfort. After all someone IS correct. Even if we live in some sort of weird Hindu, Buddist multiverse where EVERYONE is correct (in other words our beliefs create reality) then that too is an objective reality. If the truth is not represented by ANY current beliefs then that is an objective reality in it's own right. I choose to believe in God, but I wouldn't presume to convince you to do the same. However, neither would I wish you to convince me that he doesn't exist since ultimately both viewpoints (a universe with an eternal God, and one that exists on its own without creation) are utter madness. You see now why my parents were asked not to let me return to Sunday school at my Lutherin church as a child.
Apr 15, '04Joined: Jan '02; Posts: 6,855; Likes: 8,512HOW THE HELL did this thread go from someone posting about their marriage being over, to a debate about GOD, the universe, etc etc??!!!!!
Ah, yer gotta luv open debate, dontcha! :uhoh21:
It kinda reminds me of the patient who admitted to hospital for hip replacement surgery, and ended up having his knee replaced!! ( weelll, maybe an exaggeration, but you get my drift!) Started out one thing, ends up another entirely!
Apr 15, '04Occupation: icu nurse Joined: Jul '02; Posts: 10,260; Likes: 233I agree Grace - time to bring this thread screeching back to the original topic.
Apr 15, '04Occupation: Listener Joined: Dec '03; Posts: 44; Likes: 1That patient must have gone to a public hospital.
So what do you think, should the woman leave the boring husband in a V8 or a Turbo?Last edit by Husband on Apr 15, '04
Apr 15, '04Occupation: Nursing Student Joined: Apr '04; Posts: 35Sorry, I got carried away in my reply to Husband. I would really like to know more about why Lacie feels her marriage is over. Are there BIG issues like adultery, abuse ect or just a general feeling that there must be "something more or someone better suited" out there for her? If it's the latter I think that I've seen this reaction in the wives of almost every married man I've ever known at some point in their relationship (maybe men feel the same, but I think their thought processes are more orientated towards sex with other women in most cases). Sometimes the couples work through this and sometimes it ends in divorce even after many years. It's almost like an "instinctual" thing makes me wonder if it might not go back to our "roots" long ago.
Apr 15, '04Occupation: Listener Joined: Dec '03; Posts: 44; Likes: 1Quote from Love767Nice pun Love767.It's almost like an "instinctual" thing makes me wonder if it might not go back to our "roots" long ago.
I thought that being boring was part of the Job Description for being a Husband. I wasn't boring before I married. She removed all the interesting stuff from me early on.
This romancing is HARD.
She likes to buy stuff herself. My wife doesn't eat chocolates as they are fattening and are given to her for free at the hospital and I end up eating them anyway. She says no to flowers, as they are easy get too as a nurse (when patients die?) and flowers eventually die. She works shift work and going out is almost impossible (which is why I'm on the PC now... bored) and restaurants serve fattening food (she hated McDonalds). Compliments she expects as she is beautiful and gets them all the time from other guys.
I think when she calls me boring she means lazy. Fair enough call.Last edit by Husband on Apr 15, '04
Apr 16, '04Joined: Mar '04; Posts: 209; Likes: 3Quote from HusbandNow, truer words were ne'er spoken. Jeff Foxworthy does an absolutely hilarious bit on what being married does to a man. I don't remember the exact words, but it's something to the effect that;I thought that being boring was part of the Job Description for being a Husband. I wasn't boring before I married. She removed all the interesting stuff from me early on.
Men don't need to wear wedding rings. You can tell we're married by the hollow-eyed slump-shouldered looking at the ground married man shuffle.
The Mellow One
Apr 16, '04Joined: Mar '04; Posts: 209; Likes: 3Quote from HusbandApology accepted. I have no idea exactly what form the mentoring took, only that part of it was basically letting the Mrs. know that sex is an important part of marriage, she needs to take care of hubby, and enjoying sex with the spouse doesn't make a woman some kind of nympho.I was just joking about the BJ lessons and apologise. Was oral sex and foreplay discussed or have I read your post wrong and the mentoring didn't include sex? Regardless, I'm sure that my wife would see ANY mentoring from church members as degrading. She is a strong (some say stubborn) woman who tends to make her own decisions and doesn't like to talk about our sex life or finances with others. Yes, both are OK.
As for your wife accepting mentoring, it seems that from your description, she should be one of the women actually mentoring others. Strong, knowledgeable, self-confident. Would she consider it degrading to provide guidance to others in her church family who need it? If a woman from her church came to her with completely screwed up ideas about sex and marriage, would your wife sit her down, or just leave her hanging?
We all have different roles to play. Some are teachers, some are students.
As far as Christianity, I have many doubts even after accepting the faith. Things are happening in my world that have put serious doubts in my head. It's something that we all struggle with.
Trying to understand the divine is even more difficult than trying to understand women. You just go day to day hoping to figure out little pieces here and there. Once you think you have it figured out, something happens that shatters your whole view.
The Mellow OneLast edit by MellowOne on Apr 16, '04
Apr 17, '04Occupation: Listener Joined: Dec '03; Posts: 44; Likes: 1MellowOne,
I showed my wife our posts and she said:
"MellowOne sounds like a sexist pig and Husband doesn't sound like the sexist pig that he actually can be... and when is he going to get off the PC and paint the kitchen?"
Apr 17, '04Occupation: nurse practitioner in general practice Specialty: midwifery, ophthalmics, general practice ; Joined: Aug '02; Posts: 2,516; Likes: 154I have read this thread............ and all I can say is I am so glad I am not married to mellow one............ you would have been murdered years ago!! Nothing gives you the right to expect to have your sexual needs met over the womans wishes!
to the original poster............. I have been where you are.... its the toughest thing I have ever.. deciding to end my marriage. Yes, we went for counselling- cost me a fortune! it made not a jot of difference. I will ask you the question I was asked by a very good friend........... she asked me 'where do you see yourself in 5 years and who with??' I left.. and am now much happier than I have been for years.. totally broke but who cares!
take care and good luck
Apr 17, '04Joined: Mar '04; Posts: 209; Likes: 3Quote from karenGThen would you say that my wife does not have the right expect to have her emotional needs met over my wishes? When she feels that she wants to talk, or go to lunch, or just relax together, is it okay for me to ignore my wife's need because I don't feel like it? It's okay for me to just ignore her and watch the game because those are my wishes?I have read this thread............ and all I can say is I am so glad I am not married to mellow one............ you would have been murdered years ago!! Nothing gives you the right to expect to have your sexual needs met over the womans wishes!
The pendulum seems to have swung from one bad to another. It used to be that the wife was expected to fulfill the husbands needs and put her priorities in the background. That was a bad thing. The Oprah generation has moved to the opposite. The wife's needs and wants are the priority and the evil patriarch is to shutup, accept the nagging, and not expect sex from his spouse until she's damned well good and ready. If the wife doesn't want sex at all, hubby is to shutup and accept this with a smile and a "Yes, dear." This is also bad. There needs to be balance, with understanding and sacrifice on both sides.
I simply don't understand the view that it's absolutely fine for the wife to be selfish and unconcerned about her husband's needs.
Here's something from one of my posts that folks accusing me of being a bad husband seemed to have glossed over.
<"In context, actually yes [having sex with your spouse is a duty]. In the context that it is a loving husband who understands when a wife isn't feeling well, when she is busy with children, when she has obligations with work or other such, that he respects that. When there is time and circumstance, a spouse should not deny the other.
I'm not implying that a fat slob in a dirty t-shirt says, "Now woman." and the wife comes running. Marriage is a two-way street that involves respect and mutual sacrifice. Sacrificing an hour (or 2 or 3 or 8 :blushkiss ) to have sex with your spouse to fulfill his/her needs surely isn't too much to ask.">
That's the same for husbands, by the way. I work with several female nurses who complain that their husbands don't meet their sexual needs.
If you're going jump in with personal attacks, please do so with everything that I've posted taken into consideration rather than posting a knee-jerk reaction to a few out of context statements.
By the way, given that you say that you would kill your spouse if he expected sex from you, I'm glad that I'm not married to you as well. You might rethink your view of me if you actually knew me.
My wife doesn't want to work outside the home, so she doesn't have to. I have two jobs, and start a third next week so that she can be a stay-at-home mother. When she wants to sit and talk, we sit and talk. She has OCD, and many would have left her. I stay devoted to her and our sons.
Such harsh judgement based on a couple of posts in a nursing forum does credit to nobody. Disagree with me, but do so with reason addressing what I've actually posted.
The Mellow OneLast edit by MellowOne on Apr 17, '04
Apr 17, '04Occupation: Operating Room Nurse Specialty: 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER ; From: US ; Joined: Jun '03; Posts: 17,036; Likes: 1,006Quote from Grace OzHOW THE HELL did this thread go from someone posting about their marriage being over, to a debate about GOD, the universe, etc etc??!!!!!
That's what i was wondering.