Overwhelmed & Recovery?

Nurses Recovery

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Specializes in OR.
Indeed...I was actually told recently what would "help my case best" is...are you ready?...a "sponsor letter"

I almost fell out of my chair...utterly abhorrent

I'd fall outta my chair too. For starters, would that not violate the anonymity that is preached so loudly about ( yes, thank you captain obvious) but like a work reference, it would really be useless because who in Hades is going to provide a letter that says they "aren't working the steps enough" or whatever.

I think whoever made that ridiculous statement is likely a 12 step devotee to such a degree that nothing else exists and there are no other solutions that even merit consideration. I think that defines a cult.

Lest those who find success in the 12 step rooms flame me for calling it a cult I will state that much of any group activity can take on cult like properties. It depends on how much you retain your ability to realize that it is not the be-all-end-all fix for addiction/alcoholism.

Specializes in Internal and Family Medicine.

That's just idiotic. There is no one way to do anything, and there is certainly no one right way for everyone. The 12 step thing fails a lot of people. You seem highly, highly intelligent, and I suspect that if you want sobriety, you will have to decide you want it, then find your path. Pick up and E. Tolle book when you get the chance. The Power of Now to start, then read the next one..It's relaxing, hypnotic, and may take you to a place you have never been..the moment, where everything is okay. The right now, where anxiety does not exist, and there is no need to medicate. I read the E. Tolle books at the request of a friend who swore by them. I was skeptical, but they really are life changing. Certainly better that the droll of 12 steps. Don't you just love idiotic advice? I think the problem here, or one of them, is that you are being directed and controlled by people with less than half your IQ. Not fun. Not helpful. They are overmatched and you are annoyed. Keep your license.

A couple things. First, I'll give E. Tolli a look. So far all the suggestions I've got for reading and documentaries have been great here. Second, I've been trying to think of what to say about the whole "sponsor letter" thing. It's so dumb and wrong on so many levels it takes my breathe away. An AA report card???? Asinine truly. It violates any precepts of treatment or AA traditions. How is a person supposed to be willing to open up to a therapist or sponsor or best friend or whoever if there is no trust of some level of confidentially. This is one main reason why the nurse support groups albeit overseen by a "therapist" aren't therapy. Who would trust that these deep dark secrets wouldn't get looked at by the monitoring Nazis if everybody reports to them. What's next a report from our Priest after confession. Finally, yes this program is mind-numbingly stupid and indefensible on so many levels. However, the only way to keep out nursing license is to play this half-witted version of "mother may I". Nurses have worked too hard to lose what they have earned. Play the game and take a long, hot bath afterwards

Specializes in Emergency.
A couple things. First, I'll give E. Tolli a look. So far all the suggestions I've got for reading and documentaries have been great here. Second, I've been trying to think of what to say about the whole "sponsor letter" thing. It's so dumb and wrong on so many levels it takes my breathe away. An AA report card???? Asinine truly. It violates any precepts of treatment or AA traditions. How is a person supposed to be willing to open up to a therapist or sponsor or best friend or whoever if there is no trust of some level of confidentially. This is one main reason why the nurse support groups albeit overseen by a "therapist" aren't therapy. Who would trust that these deep dark secrets wouldn't get looked at by the monitoring Nazis if everybody reports to them. What's next a report from our Priest after confession. Finally, yes this program is mind-numbingly stupid and indefensible on so many levels. However, the only way to keep out nursing license is to play this half-witted version of "mother may I". Nurses have worked too hard to lose what they have earned. Play the game and take a long, hot bath afterwards

Actually reminds me of a curb your enthusiasm episode...when asked by his psych that things are going well and they had developed a sense of honesty and open trust, Larry D simply responds..."No...I am often not honest with you at all..." Hah! I love it! These people will never "know" "me" only as much BS as they need to mediate compliance...

Specializes in Internal and Family Medicine.

I agree. You either play the game, or you give up the license and career you worked so hard for. It's a lesson in humility among other things no doubt. I do not at all understand the letter. It's odd and violates all manner of privacy issues. You decide what you disclose to whom on this planet. For now, you do what you have to do, get yourself in order and get through this. Later, if you want to tell your deepest darkest, and cleanse your soul, release your past and start a fresh without baggage, then you get to do that outside the system with a therapist of your choice, or a best friend and a Tolle book, or just you and your readings. Play the game and take a long hot bath. Sounds like a T shirt I would like to wear.

Specializes in OR.

I can't wait for that long hot bath, when I can choose my own rubber ducky and my own brand of bubble bath. 579 days and counting.

rubber ducky you're the one, u make bath time so much fun...

786 days till the long hot bath followed by happy hour

Good Morning Fellow inhabitants of Nazi Monitoring Land:

Well friends yesterday was my first day of my last semester of my DNP studies. To say that I'm overwhelmed is a little like saying the late great John Candy should have lost a couple pounds. These studies are not meant to be resumed after a year's absence. Presently I feel lost and disoriented. I took today off work so I can take the next four days to at least develop some sort of plan on how to salvage this part of my life. I've lost a lot I ain't getting back but I don't want to lose this too.

I didn't really sleep much last night so I checked my phone to see if I had a pee test today and I did. I gave my sample at about 3AM & the first thing that stuck my mind was that a drink would sure be nice. I can do the math. I can drink today and almost certainly pass the ETG test even in the unlikely event that I get tested again Monday (I doubt it its a holiday). I'm not going to drink today. Why? I'm not going to drink because I made a deal with PNAP. If I comply with the terms and conditions of this hellish program they will get out of my life in about 4 years. I'm gonna hold up my end and will not give them the satisfaction of beating me.

My question is weather any of you think this spite and hate driven goal of not letting PNAP win recovery? I don't think it is. Do any of you? Can recovery be imposed on somebody or is it an individual choice.

Be well in monitoring land my friends.

Spanked

I do not believe sobriety can be forced upon anyone. I was lucky in that I had an employer to whom I owe a debt of gratitude I could not repay in a dozen lifetimes and all he demanded of me is that I remain sober for 30 days as evidence I was serious. I had hit bottom and elated to have my life no longer belong too Anhueser Busch. I owe that employer a debt of gratitude I could never repay.

I had 7 years sobriety by the time I entered nursing school; this was mid-1990's and there were no questions about ones' lifestyle prior to entering school nor were drug tests done for clinicals.

from where I am sitting I am amazed that any nurse who has sobriety imposed upon them by the BON is able to meet their insane demands. I wok in corrections and I am thinking registered sex offenders have an easier time announcing they are moving next to an elementary school that you all have meeting the BON demands.

I have nothing but awe that anyone can be under this microscope for years without just having a meltdown (actually I am guessing many do have meltdowns and are discarded by the BON as 'collateral damage'.) God, I am grateful I had family, friend and work support. I believe when people have this shoved down their throat all it accomplishes is resentment and resentment is counter-productive to staying sober. H*ll, convicted felons pee in a cup less often than my fellow nurses do.

And that is unfortunate, it serves to have people resent AA and not only was AA never intended to be a punishment.

I wish the best for my fellow nurses; keep up the faith, as with everything this too shall pass.

InHisArms

28 Posts

No, recovery/sobriety cannot be forced. Not for any considerable length of time. Not if you're truly and alcoholic/addict. Did I screw up? Yup. Did I make stupid a** choices? yup. Will I ever do it again? Nope. I would've shaped up with just the THREAT of having to be in a monitoring program.

Have I gained anything from all the IOP, individual & group sessions, nurse support groups, and AA/NA meetings? IOP-Nope; individual & group-nope; nurse support group-yeah, how to better navigate the BON/monitor nazis; AA/NA meetings-generally a headache from the meetings. I met a few good people in the "fellowship"but I'm not drinking the kool-aid.

The BON evaluator decided my use didn't warrant admission to inpatient rehab. I never went through withdrawal from anything. When they said no more DOC/ETOH for 5 years it was like telling me I couldn't have chocolate chip cookies for 5 years. It sucks but no big deal. Not with my license on the line. Know what I miss? Not being able to take a freakin Sudafed when I have a cold.

What I did learn from all this mess was that I headed down a bad road. I was seriously suffering from secondary trauma syndrome, burnout, compassion fatigue, whatever you want to call it. I had a lot of personal and professional trauma happen all at the same time. I lost my faith. I had no coping skills. Now I have both. My perspective has changed drastically and I've gained a better understanding of myself.

So in order to keep my license clean and sparkly I will walk the walk and talk the talk. I will endure the microscope. I will jump through the flaming circus hoops while doing spins and flips and stomp the landing. When I walk out of that last meeting with my completion letter in hand I will be giving them the double salute as I drive away. But I have to admit that when it's all said and done I will better for it.

This hits home for me. I will whole heartedly admit that I was a classic drug addict. Absolutely classic. I was not caught impaired at work and I wasn't caught diverting...I sought help for a medical complication of my substance abuse, and my doctor reported me. I self reported for monitoring before the Board could order me, so my license is clean.

That being said, I had zero interest in cleaning up when I got caught. I was too far down the rabbit hole. My husband was threatening divorce and threatening to take my kids away completely...he said he was going to nail me to the wall in the divorce if I didn't clean up. Our marriage was always fantastic...But he had taken enough. He was done. Sadly, that wasn't enough incentive for me to get clean.

Very shortly thereafter, and before he moved forward with the divorce petition, my doctor reported me. The investigation happened quickly. For some reason, when faced with the prospect of losing my family AND my career, and the certain homelessness that would happen, I bitterly went into treatment and signed a contract.

I did not believe that I was an addict. Because I maintained myself at work, I thought I was under control. Surely if I had a problem, I wouldn't have been able to work, right? Wrong. It took a few months of sobriety and a detoxed brain to realize that I wasn't being a good nurse at work. I was barely passable. But work never mentioned a deficit in my practice and I never had issues there, so I thought I was golden. I wasn't, not by far.

In treatment, I listened to other people's stories of addiction and slowly realized that not only did I have a problem, my problem was much worse than most of the other people in the room. It wasn't a lightening bolt that I had a problem, but it was definitely a growing realization that I was in fact a classic addict. I cannot explain the shame and guilt I felt when I realized the scope of my problem.

So, yes, I was forced into treatment kicking and screaming. I wanted my license so I went along with it, thinking that everyone was blowing things out of proportion. They weren't.

However, now I very much do want to stay clean and sober. I didn't know I was at the bottom until I wasn't at the bottom anymore. Program or no, if I graduated tomorrow, I would still fight for my sobriety.

I do believe that people who don't want to get clean/sober from the start can eventually become voluntary in their sobriety...because I am that person. My brain was so poisoned from everything I was injecting into it, I couldn't make a rational decision if I had wanted to. I had to involuntarily detox and get some clarity back before I made the decision to pursue recovery outside of any monitoring contract.

That being said, in order for that to be possible, there had to be something that I wasn't willing to lose...it's devastating to realize that my family wasn't enough, but my nursing license was. I honestly believe that I didn't believe my husband would actually leave me, and that is why I kept using. Luckily, I will never know if he would have followed through because I got caught before that happened.

I am the exact type of nurse who deserved and needed these programs. Many of you reading this aren't. I'm sorry that people like me have made it hard on the rest of you. I really am.

Forced sobriety can parlay into true recovery...but it is by no means a guarantee. And I feel awful for all the people who aren't addicts/alcoholics who have to put up with all of this. I am truly sorry that I have made it harder on the rest of you.

Eris

Specializes in OR.

Eris,

I don't think you have anything to apologize for in regards to making anything harder on the rest of us.

In my opinion it is the job of these programs to ethically differentiate between the people who have issues with drugs and alcohol. It is thier job to appropriately evaluate those who come onto thier radar in whatever manner be it via the BON or self report. Instead, they use a pitiful, unethical manner of so-called evaluations, blanket one size fits all contracts and punishment style "monitoring" based on old-debunked pseudo-science.

Your job is to learn about you, work on your recovery and become a better you, a better mom and a better nurse and it appears that you are doing just fine at that.

These programs are the ones that are falling down on the job and making it harder for the rest of us.

No, recovery/sobriety cannot be forced. Not for any considerable length of time. Not if you're truly and alcoholic/addict. Did I screw up? Yup. Did I make stupid a** choices? yup. Will I ever do it again? Nope. I would've shaped up with just the THREAT of having to be in a monitoring program.

Have I gained anything from all the IOP, individual & group sessions, nurse support groups, and AA/NA meetings? IOP-Nope; individual & group-nope; nurse support group-yeah, how to better navigate the BON/monitor nazis; AA/NA meetings-generally a headache from the meetings. I met a few good people in the "fellowship"but I'm not drinking the kool-aid.

The BON evaluator decided my use didn't warrant admission to inpatient rehab. I never went through withdrawal from anything. When they said no more DOC/ETOH for 5 years it was like telling me I couldn't have chocolate chip cookies for 5 years. It sucks but no big deal. Not with my license on the line. Know what I miss? Not being able to take a freakin Sudafed when I have a cold.

What I did learn from all this mess was that I headed down a bad road. I was seriously suffering from secondary trauma syndrome, burnout, compassion fatigue, whatever you want to call it. I had a lot of personal and professional trauma happen all at the same time. I lost my faith. I had no coping skills. Now I have both. My perspective has changed drastically and I've gained a better understanding of myself.

So in order to keep my license clean and sparkly I will walk the walk and talk the talk. I will endure the microscope. I will jump through the flaming circus hoops while doing spins and flips and stomp the landing. When I walk out of that last meeting with my completion letter in hand I will be giving them the double salute as I drive away. But I have to admit that when it's all said and done I will better for it.

PERFECT!!!! I couldn't possibly have said it better

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