need to vent about my husband...sorry long.

[SassyErRn]

This day is getting worse. Here I am working at my desk thinking about how my husband is at home, still umemployed. Instead of refocusing on my work I think about how he hasn't worked since the summer and it's not the economy in MI solely to blame. He has a poor work hx. He has been let go because of companies cutting costs but he has left jobs because they were either comission only and he wasn't making much or because the hours became very long. I have talked to him nicely about this, I have been on his case, I have let it go over the holidays, and now I am back to being pi$$ed. I am very aware of my resentment towards him and it kinda settled down for a bit there. I now realize that me letting it go over the holidays was only a way for me to try and forget the whole mess and let me do my best at recovery. Now that I am getting angry at him again I am thinking damn, I went through a whole lot last year...I was using while working a stressful job, I was depressed and suicidal at times, finally got suspended, off of work for 5 months, working now although only a temp administrative job at the hopsital I worked at before...and through all of my sweat and tears he still is without work.

So I felt the need to vent on a message board I have posted on before. I am aware that you get poor replies and people telling you that you married the lazy guy and blah blah blah. Could you imagine if I said...oh yeah, and I am a recovering addict! yikes. I guess I was hoping for someone to say they know how I feel. My husband is wonderful and he is a hard worker and very smart. I told him that I don't see that man anymore. So right now he is not the man I married. I know he wants to be the bread winner and he is not happy with himself right now. I don't know what to do. He is looking for jobs. He mentioned moving out of state but I have told him no in the past because I can't trust him due to his job hx. I am not about to move away from my family, support for recovery groups, etc. because he can FIND a job outside of MI. That is not the complete issue...can he KEEP that job as a career and provide stability for us because I want a family some day.

When I get home from work I plan to sit down with him and tell him he needs work now. I have already told him since the new year started that he really needs to find ANYTHING for now. I guess we need to talk again. I am so upset right now. And thinking about the fact that I am working my job plus working to stay c&s....people have no idea how hard that can be. I feel like they take it like a grain of salt sometimes. It's hard not to think about wanting to F it all up just to show him I am fed the F up. Grr.

Sorry to vent...and vent hard. Thanks for listening. I just figured I could come here and you guys would atleast listen and not flame me.

[SassyErRn]

easttexasnurse,

Thank you so much for the kind words. I love the way you put it....how I am working to keep my head above water and he is the tow. And you are right, he needs to know that my sobriety party depends on him yet I am kinda afraid to tell him this. I know that he knows that I have a problem but I honeslty don't think he could say that his wife is an addict. And I understand that outsiders don't have a clue but he would compare me to a junkie on the street and eventhough WE know an addict is an addict, THEY don't see it that way. I guess I am afraid to let him know that he is partly responsible for me staying clean. It makes me sound like I will relapse at any minute if something goes wrong.

Sometimes I want to just shake him because I don't think he realises how hard recovery can be. So when I am having a bad day and end up yelling at him he just thinks I am a b!tch and doesn't think that maybe I am battling urges or whatever in my head.

We have been married for almost 3 years. We will get through this. We have talked about marriage counseling in the past but it was around the time I was using (he didn't know yet) and my therapist suggested a hold on that until I got my own act together. I think having a 3rd party see what is going on would be good. I don't want to place blame but my husband is the type where he thinks he is always right. I would love for someone to tell him that he is only harming our relationship by doing x y or z.

Thanks again. I will keep everyone posted.

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

My husband was always behind me during my recovery and he still is. He was my strength. It is to the point now that we can have a bottle of vicodin in the house and I don't touch it. My son broke his ankle and hubby had a severe inner ear infection and they both were prescribed vicodin. I never touched those pills, but 3 years ago I would have been all over it. They sit in the medicine cabinet as a reminder of my sobriety. He says he doesn't have to count them because he knows they're safe.

I just wish that all husbands were like him. It really sucks that he doesn't truly understand your addiction. I think that maybe my husband relates to my addiction because he had problems in his past, not with drugs/alchohol, but psychological problems that I can't really get into on here. Maybe if your husband could relate, he would be out there working. It is important for you to see him working, even if it is a minimum wage job, or a night stocker at walmart... it means more than the money he is bringing home doesn't it? It does.

I hope the best for you and please come back and type to us if you need anything. In helping others it helps me... it puts my sobriety in check.

[megaman]

you say he needs to get ANYTHING for now!

many jobs will only pay minimum money, so much that entire families (including the children) work there just to keep the house.

will haveing one person doing such a job really make any difference to you.

will it really even go as far as to pay the rent!

what i am saying here is be carfull how far you go when you use the word "anything"

focus more on getting a job that can sustain you

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

you say he needs to get ANYTHING for now!

many jobs will only pay minimum money, so much that entire families (including the children) work there just to keep the house.

will haveing one person doing such a job really make any difference to you.

will it really even go as far as to pay the rent!

what i am saying here is be carfull how far you go when you use the word "anything"

focus more on getting a job that can sustain you

I have to disagree with this. For him to have a job, ANY job, would be helpful in more than one way. While it is important for him to get the highest paying job that he can, I believe that any job for him would be good for the household, their relationship, his self esteem and her recovery.

Having been through a similar situation, out of work husband, recovery, etc... I know that if he had a job, it would benefit the family with more than just money.