Quote from Emolman
Anyone else super depressed/ feel like life has gotten way worse since entering their monitoring program? I'm not sure this is worth the misery.
Oh yeah, definitely. I feel depressed at times, but mostly just paranoid and obsessed. I check my count down clock multiple times a day. (45 days left!!!). I obsess over all the things I want to do, jobs I want to apply for, trips I want to go on, even little food festivals and concert in the park events I want to go to, that I don't feel like I can do. Yeah I could work around my testing and AA/NA meetings to go on a trip if I really wanted to, but I'm afraid to. Afraid to call attention to myself by asking to take a trip, afraid to test positive because I went to a restaurant and some sauce had wine or wine vinegar or something in it. Food festivals and events like that seem always to have wine or beer offered, and damn it I LIKE wine and beer! I can say no, but I end up feeling sorry for myself seeing everyone around me trying the different wines offered by the wineries that attend the festivals or whatever, when I can't. So I just don't go, and feel depressed or left out.
So yeah, my life was out of control before, I know that. But the fear of false positives, the clench in my stomach EVERY TIME I check in, not wanting today to be a testing day, the annoyance when I'm selected to test because of the time involved when my day is already full and the cost involved when my credit card already has a hefty balance for this month, and the constant thoughts of "I can't wait until this is over" pretty much controls my life right now.