Graceful way to NOT answer all the personal questions my patients ask me.

[CoffeeYogaNurse]

Heyo!

I would love some advice from y'all on how to dodge answering all these personal questions my patients ask me! I work in a busy ED and see multiple people a day. It seems like so many patients or visitors ask old I am? am I married? do I have kids? do I want kids? On and on. I've been asked who I VOTED for at least 10 times...(seriously with our political climate that's such a scary question to answer 😳).

I get it, we're building a rapport and in all honesty I'm asking them some pretty dang personal questions too, but I see so many patients and sometimes just don't want to answer/ feel like it's anyones business. I also don't want to come off as nurse robot and say "I don't talk about my personal life with my patients! Bleep bloop bloop" or something because that's really not how I am, I'm just tired of the questions! Ask me questions about your meds, your diagnosis, etc. Not my 20 year life plan.

For the record, I live in a pretty southern town and am happily living with my boyfriend (the shame!), with no kids and no ring so part of my irritation with all the questions is probably the judgement eyes/unsolicited advice I get when I give my answers.

So, how do you guys not answer these type of questions and still make sure your patients like you?

[CoffeeYogaNurse]

At first I thought "wear a wedding band to discourage questioners," but then they would ask "how long have you been married? do you have kids? do you want kids? Why not? where did you get married? did you have a big or small wedding? do you live near your or his folks?" ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!

I think the others have given great suggestions to help turn aside peoples' interest. Some ppl are just really friendly (and nosey!!). Just keep repeating the response you are comfortable with. Hopefully they get the message. :)

Funny you should mention that Dianah, I actually tried that when I first started and you are on the money about what people said in response! Almost quoting your guesses of what they say exactly! I know some folks are just nice/curious and all their nervous and scared energy can come out in awkward ways.it probably wouldn't bother me a bit if it I was seeing so many people. I'm going to come up with a version based on all the awesome suggestions I've gotten here and just say that every time. Thanks!

[BedsideNurse]

I get it that you don't feel like recanting your life plan to everyone who walks through the door. This can be tough to navigate, though, as I think most people are just being genuinely friendly (*especially* down south), or trying to make some kind of human connection in a stressful situation, and you don't want to make people feel like you are shutting them down. The message can easily be interpreted "Your small talk is inappropriate and I'll have none of it" and that's hurtful. It can turn a relatively positive experience into one that someone feels bad about every time they remember it. So, my personal opinion is use a little humor and maybe even a little tongue in cheek self deprecation that they wouldn't want to hear about the boring goings on in your life anyhow (or whatever). My favorite suggestion is the cloak. LOL!! I think using that kind of line and then spring boarding into a topic about the patient or their test coming up, etc., is a perfect way to handle it. To be honest, if I asked someone if they where from the area or had kids or whatever and their answer resembled a lecture about them being a health professional and they were there to talk about me and not themselves, I would be taken back a little, and I am pretty loosey-goosey...You probably should try to figure out a few responses you like, that don't sound too canned, and use those. You'll have to have a few in your pocket so you aren't overheard recanting the same response over and over. People don't like disingenuous sounding nurses either. No one comes to work for a popularity contest, but it's usually a better life when your patients and families like you.

[decembergrad2011, BSN, RN]

My answer is going to be a little different. I'm also down south, so people are open and friendly and most of the time think that you have the same perspective and/or lifestyle as they do if they are asking. They also get easily offended if you don't answer them, lol. I say answer the question, but do it in a brief way before springboarding directly back into patient care. That's usually how I handle it if it's a question I feel uncomfortable answering. For me, usually it deals with a religion or political question when I know my honest answer will not be received well. Example 1: Patient says, "I can't believe people think Trump is doing a bad job! Who did you vote for?" "This election was so crazy and polarizing, huh? I feel like everyone has a strong opinion on the outcome! Oh, look at your dressing here, looks like it's coming loose. I'm going to go get the supplies to change it." Example 2: Patient asks, "What's your religion?" I reply, "I am a member of ____ Church. What made you think about religion today?" Second one is not a lie even if I haven't gone to service in a decade, and recenters back on the patient.

That's usually my way of handling it because I'm a floor nurse and my patients have a longer length of stay (so I may be assigned them again in the future) so it keeps the rapport. I agree about the blunt "I'm a professional so I can't divulge" response being a bit much for some patients, even though I also believe it is perfectly appropriate, especially if you are backed into a corner where you feel the questioning is affecting your care delivery.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

I've never had many patients ask me personal questions. I've worked in places where I really was not allowed

to answer any personal questions - jails, psychiatry where you definitely don't want and are ordered not to tell your

personal business;

and in the OR where people are asleep; and in nursing homes where people have dementia.

Once in a while I replied that I had 19 kids. That was met with gasps and "Go on's!" And 39 grandkids and 10 great grands.

Oh, that made for some lively discussion. "All the same wife"? Yes, she's a good woman - best you'd ever care to meet.

Then we'd talk about our trucks, our dogs, and so on. Hey, it passed the time on Night shift. No, I didn't always feel good

about avoiding the questions but we had a few laughs.

If you do choose this route, just remember what you've said to someone. So keep your story simple.

[Mavrick, BSN, RN]

Truly I don't think people have a clue that you are AT WORK and not just there to chat with them. We do have to put on a sense of connectedness that is not real. I will take care of ANYONE. It's my job.

I rely on my go-to boundary-setting re-direction phrase, (pleasantly) "Oh, I don't talk about stuff like that while I'm at work. I'm here to take care of you. How's that pain level, nausea, etc. coming along?" It gives them an acceptable topic to change the subject to. They are out of their element and it's probably nervous talk. Easiest subject for them to talk about is themselves. Make it easy for them.

[Lane Therrell FNP, MSN, RN, NP]

I was raised in the South, too, so I can empathize with your dilemmas here. I work in primary care, not in a busy ED, but building rapport is very important in my world, too, maybe even more so since I see the same patients all the time.

When I get asked an awkward question, like, Who did you vote for?” or, What church do you go to?” I always keep in mind that honesty is the best policy, the less the patient knows the better, and… I don't want to alienate the patient. I balance all of this by reminding myself that the encounter is all about the patient, not about me.

Some statements that have worked for me in response to awkward questions are: My momma raised me to never tell anyone who I voted for.” (This usually brings nods and smiles, and builds rapport—especially with older patients). I was taught not to discuss religion or politics in polite company.” (This one gets good patient-approval ratings, too.) If the patient is persistent, I will first try to change the subject with something like: I'm so grateful that you are interested in my well-being because it tells me that I'm doing something right in caring for you. What else can I do for you today to provide excellent care?” If changing the subject doesn't work, I will simply come from the heart and say something like, The time I spend with you is about you and your care. I'm here to help keep you healthy and safe. My personal details are not relevant, and it would be inappropriate for me to discuss those things while I'm at work.” If that doesn't work, you're probably dealing with a harassment issue that you should elevate to HR.

[CoffeeYogaNurse]

Some statements that have worked for me in response to awkward questions are: My momma raised me to never tell anyone who I voted for.” (This usually brings nods and smiles, and builds rapport—especially with older patients). I was taught not to discuss religion or politics in polite company.” (This one gets good patient-approval ratings, too.)

Ohhhh yes! That one is great cause my mama actually DID teach me it wasn't polite to discuss money, politics, or religion with someone I didn't know well. Plus you can't argue with someone to tell when their mom taught them not to! Haha.

[Chay74]

I am a pre-nursing student (getting the pre-reqs now) and live in the south. I am not originally from the south (i grew up military and we moved around a lot), but I have observed that the majority of the time politics and religion are THE things to discuss, even where I am currently employed. CoffeeYogaNurse thank you for the post. I will be able to use some of them here and let it become second nature for later. :) Lane Therrell, thank you for the suggestions on what to say. I do not like to divulge a lot of information about myself in the first place and have a hard time deflecting questions that I am asked.

[Lane Therrell FNP, MSN, RN, NP]

It's easy to become paralyzed by small talk, and deflecting questions is a fine art that is being poorly exemplified in today's media. My favorite web site on the topic of small talk is SmallTalkProfessional dot com. While the site is not healthcare specific, its wisdom is generally professional and can be applied to most healthcare situations. You can search the site's blog for an excellent list of conversation starters that would work well to get you through those awkward moments when you just don't know what to say-- whether you're with your preceptors, professors, potential employers and future colleagues, as well as your patients.

Conversation Starters

I hope that helps.

[CoffeeYogaNurse]

Ohhh this site is great Lane Therrell! Thank you!

[Irish_Mist, BSN, RN]

I am from Texas and I have lived here my whole life. Depending on the vibe I get, tt doesn't bother me if someone asks if I'm married or have children. I won't discuss politics with patients but I am willing to discuss very surface level information about my family. Chances are, my sweet 85 year old A&O X 4 has no intentions of googling me or looking me up on facebook. Now for someone who I think has weird intentions or something just seems off about their questioning: "I have a husband and a three year old son." is about all I will divulge. Heck, there's times I'm hesitant to share my last name with some people.

In short, my response is based on the person and how comfortable I feel with their questions. My go to response if I want to shut down the questioning: "Oh enough about me. I'm so boring. I want to hear more about YOU." That works every time!

[Lane Therrell FNP, MSN, RN, NP]

The comments in this thread made me recall with a smile the famous words of one of my preceptors in nursing school, who routinely responded to patients' nit-picky in-room demands with, "This is a hospital, not the Holiday Inn!" Of course, this was from a time before patient satisfaction surveys were such a big deal. I'm not sure I'm hardcore enough to say that to a patient with a straight face, but it's always nice to have a snappy line you can whip out at will under the right circumstances to regain control of a conversation. And of course, a little humor goes a long way.