Accused of being racist - how to handle?

Nurses Relations

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In caring for an African American child this morning, her father accused me of being both "racist" and "uppity." Apparently, while I was tending to his child, he asked me repeatedly how to make a long-distance phone call with a calling card. I gave him the instructions as I know them, but apparently he was still unable to place this call. His child was de-satting at the time, and had blood coming from the incisions in her mouth and secretions pouring from her trach. His phone call was not at the top of my priority list.

So he asked me if "you have something against black people or something." I guess because I was tending to his child and not helping him place his important phone call, I'm now racist.

I'm having a hard time because a) I feel very insulted and b) I'm supposed to teach him how to care for his child so she can go home today. How receptive to me is he going to be if he thinks I'm racist? And I'm not sure about dealing with my own feelings after being accused of being racist.

I'm honestly not sure how he got that I'm racist just because I was occupied at the moment and couldn't help him place his phone call. In all honesty, I'm pretty pissed. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

You sound like a wonderful and intelligent nurse. I am so happy to read that your supervisors were supportive and helpful. My guess is this man was frustrated and took it out on you. I would be afraid to touch the child again because when someone makes one false allegation you never know what they will say next.

They weren't supportive. They made her keep caring for the child instead of getting her out of harm's way.

Hi Susan, here's my two cents.

Do not allow yourself to focus on WHAT he said, but WHY he said it. Try to figure out what is going on with him to provoke him to say this. Do not take this personally. And yes, I know, it's MUCH easier said then done :)

Of course you have the first priority of taking care of your patients and their well-being, but whenever I have had someone this angry and upset, and lashing out in this manner, most of the time it's really not you, it's something else and you unfortunately got to be the scape goat at the moment. And believe me, I know how hard it is when you are busy and stressed out, how difficult it is to not take what he said personally. But try not to allow him to make you feel this way.

Pull up a chair, have a face to face talk with him. Ask him why he felt that way and what you can do to help. Tell him you were deeply focused on his daughter and worried about her sats, and then allow him to talk and just sit there and listen. Do not say anything, just allow him to talk. Dont' defend your actions at the time, just allow him to get it all out, even if what he says is not true and inappropriate. Once you let him vent, then you can discuss details of it. You would be surprised how much it helps people just to let them vent and talk, without you saying a word; it calms most of them down eventually after letting them have their say, and it can do wonders to improve your relationship with him and yourself. A lot of the times after this, you might even get an apology from them for their behavior and what they said. And be able to gain some of their trust and respect and be able to get into some of the teaching you need to do.

That being said, I know that in this day and age of hospital nursing and the high acuities and such, it is near impossible at times to do this. We are already stressed and frustrated with our own job duties, and this makes it even more difficult to deal with situations like this. This is where you can possibly get your charge nurse or nursing supervisor down to have a chat with them if you are just too busy to do this. And if you get someone who is so angry that it might turn into something physical and you feel threatened by physical harm, of course then it's best to call for some help. But if you can have a few moments to sit and talk to him directly yourself, it's amazing sometimes how much this can help and make the rest of your shift much, much easier.

And even if he truly is a jerk and doesn't care about his daughter, you will know this for sure and be able take appropriate action for this. At the very least, you will know for sure where he is coming from.

Like I said, it's very hard to confront an angry, name-calling person in any situation when you yourself are stressed out, and our first reaction is to retreat from the attack and feel hurt and angry, but by keeping the lines of communication open and clear, and allowing them to vent, it may take extra time and get you even further behind in your workload (and of course, you have to weigh in if you even have time to do this, priorities of course), but in the end, it will make them feel better and yourself feel better.

But like I've said before, this is so much easier said then done. I even have to stand back sometimes and take a deep breath and not allow it to get to me personally. It's a real challenge for me at times. But in all honesty, if I follow through with what I've said above, I have so far never had it fail for me.

Good luck,

Didi

You said what I wanted to in a much more compassionate way. You are the queen of therapeutic communication.

This is overkill.

In addition, can you provide some reputable documentation proving that white people in America are being oppressed?

No more than the father could provide reputable documentation proving that our friend here is racist. But you have now motivated me to research it I will post if I find out anything.

Of course, you can count this thread. :idea: People herein have expressed their honest views. There's a common thread. Many of the whites here have had to deal with this completely incorrect and totally unfair assumption on the part of blacks. And the Asian member here feels she is sometimes discriminated against. So it seems that everyone feels like he or she is a minority sometimes.

And I gave the advice I gave, which you think is overkill, because I have seen the outcome of this type of groundless comment. It is, IMHO, not overkill at all, it is absolutely necessary for the OP to take the comment seriously because her boss will throw her to the dogs if this matter goes further.

As I said before,white oppression of blacks was wrong. Black oppression of whites is also wrong. And that is what we have today. Blacks are favored, whites are not. It's because of how the laws are.

There are plenty of racists of every color. The child's father is one of them.

I am also an African-American nurse. This man probably was attempting to incite some anxiety within you and, apparently, he succeeded. He has full awareness that many Causasian people are horrendously fearful of being branded a 'racist' and, unfortunately, he played on that fear rather skillfully. Don't give him the anxious reaction, because you'll be playing into his hands.

Additionally, we don't know the entire story. Some black people can sense 'undercover racism' through nonverbal communication (glances, facial expressions, intonation, gestures, etc). I am not saying you're racist by any means, but this man probably came to his conclusion based on what he saw.

It's true that we don't know the whole story.

As for sensing, anyone of any race can do that. Why would that ability be limited to blacks? People in general can sense things.

Also, why in the name of God, would this man want to terrorize the nurse who is caring for his daughter? How stupid can people be? Maybe he doesn't like the little girl and wants the nurse to harm her.

Specializes in Med/Surg, Geriatrics.
As I said before,white oppression of blacks was wrong. Black oppression of whites is also wrong. And that is what we have today. Blacks are favored, whites are not. It's because of how the laws are.

What a load of garbage. The power/political/economic structure in this country still heavily favors Whites. This is a simple fact, not a complaint. If no longer having the right to discriminate against Blacks in this country=White oppression in your opinion, then so be it.

They weren't supportive. They made her keep caring for the child instead of getting her out of harm's way.

I don't remember the OP saying she had talked to her supervisors at first until yesterday, so how were they unsupportive?

As I said before,white oppression of blacks was wrong. Black oppression of whites is also wrong. And that is what we have today. Blacks are favored, whites are not. It's because of how the laws are.

Thanks for your honest post. It provides proof to me that racist thought is very much alive in the U.S. today, if not nutured by claims of white entitlement/supremacity than under absurd claims of reverse discrimination.

Specializes in Med/Surg, Tele, Peds, LDRP.
Thanks for your honest post. It provides proof to me that racist thought is very much alive in the U.S. today, if not nutured by claims of white entitlement/supremacity than under absurd claims of reverse discrimination.

yep, very much an eye opener.

Well, I certainly didn't intend for this to turn into a debate about which race is more racist ...

I made my post yesterday during my shift, while caring for my patient. In some ways, I feel like my supervisor was very supportive, in that she didn't jump onto his side, she heard me out, and gave me suggestions for continuing to deal with him and my patient, and she didn't make me take that assignment today. On the other hand, they didn't try very hard to switch assignments yesterday, which I'm sure helped lead up to the climax of him cursing at me and blaming his child's continued hospitalization on me.

I guess my main concern was in that situation, where I couldn't or wasn't allowed to change assignment, how do I continue to provide quality care, when part of that care includes teaching the parents (the ones who have the problem with me) how to care for their child?

As I said before,white oppression of blacks was wrong. Black oppression of whites is also wrong. And that is what we have today. Blacks are favored, whites are not.

Here's a great irony that actually is contrary to what you are saying. In the past I've lost a couple of jobs to blacks due to affirmative action but ... it was a decision made by white managers.

Now I work in a facility where most of my co-workers and supervisors are black. I'm actually in the minority since I'm white. But, recently, my supervisors were in a pinch and needed some help in an office job that was a mess and where nobody wanted to work. So I helped out and dived in without complaint.

Apparently my supervisors were pleased with my work so, now they're giving me this job permanently. A month ago nobody wanted this job but now that I've been doing it and am OK with it ... others are complaining I'm being favored because it's an office job with good hours and overtime.

The only reason I got this was because I was pretty much the only one willing to dive in and help when the supervisors were in a tough spot. Since I am white, I can only assume I got it due to merit.

The funny thing is ... I'm actually being rewarded based on merit more with my black supervisors than I ever did with my white supervisors. So if whites are being oppressed by blacks, I'm not seeing it because they certainly could "oppress" me if they wanted to ... but they're not ... quite the contrary, in fact.

:typing

Specializes in Med/Surg; Psych; Tele.

Wow! Where to start after reading this thread!

Let me first say that the father sounds like a completely selfish jerk with zero emotional insight! I sympathize with the fact that he is quite stressed, but I just cannot excuse his actions towards the nurse, despite the apparent lack of emotional intelligence. Why? Because of his lack of concern about the possible consequences...this is her livelihood!!! What if this eventually led to her getting fired or something? Not to mention that such accusations are hurtful and presumptuous. Is he not even able to entertain the possibility that he might just be wrong??? I guess not. Instead, better to just react with raw, misdirected emotion and then who cares about the consequences it could have on the other person. I guess also, I am thinking from my own frame of reference...all of my life I have given people way too much of the benefit of the doubt (many times to my own detriment), even when they have been grossly wrong. I guess on a spiritual level, I feel like it is the right thing to do - not just rip people apart at the first chance. We're all human and we're all flawed. Sorry, I digress...He could have at least thoughtfully looked for some other confirming evidence of this notion before just reacting.

If this guy sensed anything, he may have sensed (or at least he would have from me in this case) that the nurse was thinking that he was a total moron for saying/doing ANYTHING that would detract her attention from the acute situation at hand - let alone for something as trivial as how to use a friggin callling card!!! Are you retarded Man?!? And she is not the catch-all, customer service rep of the hospital. He should not have even been troubling the nurse with such a matter anyway - even if she wasn't tied up in that situation - she probably had some charting or something else to do - was she able to even take a lunch that day as so many nurses cannot????

Sorry, I guess I just get sick of the scared, powerless nurse thing that so many perceive. Nurses need to be perceived with much more clout and authority than we have, i.e., you better be damn sure about what you're talking about before you go accusing a nurse of BS b/c she/he will likely get the benefit of the doubt! This fool would not have pulled this crap with the MD for sure!!

I don't have time to get into it now, but I had situation a couple of weeks ago where an upset family member misdirected his grief onto me and tried to get me into trouble. I just cannot believe the selfishness of some people. Someone made the comment earlier about how these family members are stressed....and nurses are not??? These stressed family members need to open their eyes and see that hospitals are stressful places for everyone!

Gotta go right now.

Specializes in Junior Year of BSN.

As I said before,white oppression of blacks was wrong. Black oppression of whites is also wrong. And that is what we have today. Blacks are favored, whites are not. It's because of how the laws are.

:nono: Do you actually read what you post? If you really feel this way I am very sorry for you. I do not see favoritism of blacks over whites.:madface:

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