My Story

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My Story

It will never be me… I know better, I'm an RN, I'm not weak!! My reality? Yes, I became a recovering addict from Percocet and Adderall. I have a long history of Major Depressive Disorder that included three suicide attempts before my addiction then 1 from my addiction to Adderall. In 2010 began having severe back pain. Surgeon said I needed surgery and gave me a prescription 150 pills of Percocet. I didn't have surgery just kept taking Percocet. My first high was an accident. I had back pain took 2 pills of Percocet and Bam!! I was hooked. Back pain gone, depression gone, stress gone, felt confident and felt I was a better RN. I slowly increased the times I used the pills. By October 2011 driving to work I was having withdrawal symptoms 2 hrs after taking 2 percocets I knew why, crying I called my cousin for help, told my job I needed a week off for depression and I detoxed at home from fear of losing my RN license. I stopped Percocet but began abusing my Adderall. By 2012 I was dependent on 360mg of Adderall daily to be awake. When I ran out all I did was sleep. So I became useless, a body on a bed. I was defeated I told God, you either take me or give me my life back. I took a deadly combination to stop my heart, breathing and fall into a deep sleep. Called my spouse said goodbye, but just as I passed out on my bed my brother came running in. I was intubated in the ambulance, spent 2 days on a vent then psychiatric unit. Never used Adderall again. Went on with my life, had my son, for almost 1 year after used Tramadol daily as directed then abused it by December 2014. I was depressed from work and death of a close friend. Back pain returned got Vicodin, then Percocet. In the attempt to stop Percocet, I went for back injections that made the pain worse. On my work day, prior to leaving home, I chose to mix Percocet and Dilaudid pills to stop the back pain. Went to work under the influence. At end of shift got drug tested and lost my job. I was told I was being reported. Someone gave me RAMP's number and said they will help you. Didn't know who I was calling or who they were. 3 days later I realized it. I felt betrayed and confused but scared to death to lose my career. I was angry and took me about 2 months to realize RAMP was my only option. Having an Rx is not an excuse to practice under the influence. Today my license is active and I work as an RN. I'm alive and happy. The beginning was tough but now I owe RAMP my life. God saved me through them. I needed help and this time I got it. Nothing worth having comes easy”.

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Specializes in Critical Care, Education.

Your story is inspirational. Thank you for sharing.

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Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.

Thank you for sharing. Your story is truly a light post to all of us. One of the things that I allowed to hang me up for so long was the thought that I was too messed up, had made too many mistakes, and there were too many "complications" with my case. Your post reaffirmed that anything is possible. I am so grateful for your share as it reflects significant recovery work to be able to get past the shame, guilt, and misery that burdens so many of us. It affirms that no matter what, one can recover and stay that way.

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I am so proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Yay you!

You are on the right path--stay on it. Be good to yourself, and love yourself--you are precious. I feel that you are a strong person--you will recover. Don't let depression drag you down to those depths again--I know it gets heavy, but remember that any burden can be borne if it is shared. Let other people help you--you deserve it!

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Houtx. Thank you . I feel why bring more negativity to a situation we cannot change so complaining never helps. I have another writing im working on. I appreciate your post.

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SororAKS, ADN,RN Its a journey and a day by day by min thing. I have 1 tip get close to old timers that are rough and mean but have above 25 yrs clean. Thats my trick. They are tough and upfront and tell you like it is. I have some young but with the rate of relapse around i just want to learn, experience but not. Pop or abuse pills. Thank you for the post.

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CryssyD Funny you mentioned this because 2 days ago i was talking with a person in my network that we discuss things a lot. When hard times or fights happen with my family but specially my significant other i become so sad the first thing on my mind is not the Percocet high but the fact that for a momement only a moment i want to hurt myself and say goodbye. As much as my addiction is something that can kill me my mental illness in me is worse. I think im more afraid of that because i tell my sponsor and my network i have to stay right because i will take myself out out in less than a minute. I don't share this to scare anyone so don't feel this way. I want to also shine shine light on Depression- MDD. Because my mental health is equally important. I have to make sure i take the necessary steps to have the right people always caring for me. Psychiatrist and psychologist. My family is very educated on depression but with addiction they sort of get it but because is not a street drug they put less effort to learn about it.

all i can say we all no matter how angry we are for entering a long monitoring program i think we need to self search and be honest to ourselves. If i would not gotten caught eventually something really bad would had happened. Yes we pay but didnt we pay even more money for other stuff life drugs. At least our urine tests and meetings wont. Its ok to be angry as long as it makes you grow and stay clean. Thank you means a lot that i can share my story and stop someone else from making a mistake.í ½í¸Ší ½í¸Šâ¤ï¸ï¸â¤ï¸ï¸

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Thanks for sharing. So much time is spent on hating the BON and hating the programs , but every know and again they get it right. I complain all the time about all the call ins, the drug screens and the paperwork but bottom line is my life is in a much better place with living in the parameters of my program. I don't drink and don't do drugs. Life is good!

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Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
Thanks for sharing. So much time is spent on hating the BON and hating the programs , but every know and again they get it right. I complain all the time about all the call ins, the drug screens and the paperwork but bottom line is my life is in a much better place with living in the parameters of my program. I don't drink and don't do drugs. Life is good!

That's the thing. On occasion, they do get it right...but the issue lies in when they attempt to make the programs one size fits all. Another issue lies with the conflicts of interest, lack of accountability, and lack of procedural safeguards for those who participate in the programs. Even if one does benefit from the programs, there should be safeguards. We don't lose our rights because we became addicts or develop mental health issues.

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That's the thing. On occasion, they do get it right...but the issue lies in when they attempt to make the programs one size fits all. Another issue lies with the conflicts of interest, lack of accountability, and lack of procedural safeguards for those who participate in the programs. Even if one does benefit from the programs, there should be safeguards. We don't lose our rights because we became addicts or develop mental health issues.

You know i also agree with you because not every case manager is the same. They all have different opinions and views. Since there is no one to reach out too that is completely independent and actually reviews that no civil rights are broken we have voice or a way to report if we have a concern. Its almost like our rights to some extent are taken. I have heard some situations in which all i do is shake my head because we cant do anything about it. Unfortunately, we cant change the program or its rules so if we want our licence we must just accept it and do our best to provide proof we are not doing anything to harm ourselves and the patients. After all the are there to protect patients and help us do the same by correctin, maintaining and making the right decissions. My poor decission and inability to realize i needed help got me here. Before that day my drug abuse of pain meds was not my fault it was everyones fault but when we come in an learn the opposite then we know we all are responsible for the actions we make. But there should be a independent not related to the board etc to overlook all decisions made in regards to us. We also need protection and be able to report and challange certain rules put in place if we dont agree. Bottomline all we can do is follow everything even when we dont agree. At this point we have no voice nor able to challenge anything. We signed our fredom for the love of nursing. In reality, we could had been stripped of our license and no chance to get it back. Here we do. So for today things are ok and we are also at a different level and more knowledgable. We do what we can .

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Specializes in OR.

Yeah, most of us had some reason to get us where we are today. The very act of the monitoring things is not so much the issue as the inappropriate, one size fits all method. Following everything even if I don't agree with it has gotten to where it is mostly tolerable. I get all hot and bothered when no matter what I do, the rules that I am expected to follow (and have done faithfully) are changed midway, interpreted differently, depending on your case manager or the direction of the wind, alignment of the planets. These interpretations can ruin a recovering career, ruin all the effort a person has put into "toeing the line." It's almost as if we are unceasingly punished. They love to quote the nice little blurb about "5 years of monitoring has shown to be the length of time necessary to prevent relapse the most." i may be butchering that quote and I apologize, but you get the idea. The fact that they abide by evidence based practice, when it is convenient, but insist on using questionable, "junk" science testing to prove (i won't say disprove, because any of us being right is near impossible to get across to them.) relapse. The court system has appeals and case law to monitor and ensure appropriate sentence guidelines. We do not, and that is wrong on so many levels. As Starting...said, all we can do is accept it and provide proof that we are "toeing the line." This is true, but by the same token, we do have the right to be treated like human beings, not nonstop money fountains or subject to the "guilty until proven innocent," where that proof is expensive and notoriously difficult to obtain....Just my opinion, and I have so very many of those....

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I am so proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Yay you!

You are on the right path--stay on it. Be good to yourself, and love yourself--you are precious. I feel that you are a strong person--you will recover. Don't let depression drag you down to those depths again--I know it gets heavy, but remember that any burden can be borne if it is shared. Let other people help you--you deserve it!

Thank you so much for saying this . Im about to post a situation because i need whoever reads to tell me what to do. Don't worry i didnt pick more like I may get reprimanded by facilitator

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