My Story...Long...

[Cherybaby]

I searched the entire thread of Nurses with Disabilities and after doing so, decided that my home is here.

Here is my story...briefly.

Last year, in June, I fell asleep one night on the job after having my BPD meds switched around. I looked as if I were drunk or impaired. I know I should not have gone into work that night, but my DON is very strict about absences. I went in. I got no work done...and my med pass? Erratic at best. My charge nurse wrote me up for being impaired on the 11a-7p shift. I went home that morning after report. I probably could have killed someone or myself going there or coming home and by the grace of God, I didn't. I went home and went to sleep feeling excessively groggy from the switch in medication. (I went from 150 mgs of Lamictal to 300mgs and from 40 mgs of Geodon to 80 mgs. I also had my xanax increased from .50 to 1 mg.) Anyway, she didn't drug test me...and I didn't ask for one. I was too out of it. All these meds were prescribed to me so I took them as I was supposed to. Fast forward to the next day. 7a to 3p shift came and went. I was at home sleeping. Finally at 4pm, the DON called me up and told me that I was not to come into work for the night shift...and she would talk to me tomorrow. I didn't really think anything of it. The following day, she called me to come in at 4p as she wanted to have a talk with me. I came in. She told me that she notified the BON that I had come into work impaired and sleeping on the job as per several CNA's and my Charge Nurse. I tried to explain myself...about my meds, but she wasn't having it. I asked for a drug test. Instead, she terminated my employment.

A couple of weeks later, the BON got in touch with me telling my that my license would be suspended pending a BON review. I had to go up in front of the BON up in Tallahassee (MANY miles from my house) and plead my case. I did without benefit of a lawyer. The BON confirmed the suspension of my licence and ordered me into an IPN eval. I went to the eval just this past week. They ordered me into an IOP for 2 months and the BON recommended probation for me for a two years.

In the past year, while sitting around waiting for all of this to settle, I have been unemployed. Out of depression, I began to take my husband Percocet (he has them for a broken femur...gets them once a month. A LOT of them.) I spent a lot of days in bed feeling sorry for myself. I was taking up to 10 Percocet a day at one point. I really had a problem. As the IPN got closer, I took myself off of the Percocet for about 2 weeks. That was the hardest two weeks of my life...but I wanted my drug test to be clean. I didn't realize they were taking a hair sample as well. So, that showed up...and of course, I didn't have a prescription for the Percocet to back it up.

IPN will be drug testing me now for the next few months...maybe years, I don't know. One of the medications that they want me off of is Xanax. Apparently, this drug, while prescribed to me, is a no no. It took me asking my husband to dump his Percocet down the toilet to keep me away from that. However, I am having a terrible time parting from my Xanax. I need it. I have such bad anxiety related to my BPD.

I haven't started IPN program yet because they haven't sent me my "contract" yet. I know my first drug test is going to come up positive for Xanax because I haven't begun to wean off of it. I don't feel like I can. I am craving my husbands Percocet like mad. A year has gone by and I haven't worked because I can't seem to get myself off of these drugs.

I am putting my story here, as opposed to the nurses with disabilities forum because I think my problem by now has to do with addiction as opposed to my BPD. I haven't had a manic episode in at least 8 months. I don't sleep at night, so I take more xanax. I am supposed to take three a day. I find that I take about 5 at night instead of what I am supposed to take.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have ruined my life because of these drugs. I used to be a highly competant and capable nurse. Now I don't even feel like I have a right to post on this forum because I feel less than worthy. I am lost right now. I want so much to be working again and to get my life back...but I don't know how to get myself clean again. I don't know where to start. It is the most helpless and hopeless feeling I have ever had. My husband? He's an enabler of sorts. He will tell me "no" about taking his pills...and I will feign a migraine or something so he gives them to me. At my clearer moments, I tell him to keep them out of the house. He hides them...and I always manage to find them.

In the interim, I am sitting here waiting for this contract to come and tell me what I need to do as far as the intensive outpatient therapy they have lined up for me. There are certain days I don't even care anymore...

For those who struggle with addiction, tell me how you get through your days. What makes you want to get out of bed in the morning? When does this hopelessness go away? How can you be a nurse when you can't even take care of yourself and your family anymore? I feel like I have hit rock bottom and even if I get my license back, I don't feel worthy of being a nurse anymore.

This is the worst feeling in the world. Very isolated. But I come here and read this forum and it gives me glimmers of hope seeing that some of you have gotten your lives back on track.

Tell me how to get back on track. Please.

[blondnursey]

wow what an uphill struggle you have on your hands. but it is not impossible. there must be a group in your area that would have resources for you.

somebody on here surely knows what you could google to find some info.

do they not do person centered treatment there for BPD? do you have a treatment team you could ask for advice?

[Cherybaby]

My psychiatrist is useless. Basically all she does is manage my meds. I don't see my psychologist any longer due to financial issues arising from my not working for the past year. I am afraid to start investing my time in a group like NA because I think that they won't see me as someone with a problem on their level. Plus, I don't know where the IPN is going to send me...I am still waiting for that contract to come in the mail.

That's why I came to the addiction area of this forum. I have read so many enlightening things here...so many people have experienced this. I figured someone would have an answer for me.

I feel so defeated.

[blueheaven]

NA has people from all walks of life, all situations. Go to enough meetings, you will hear your story. Sounds like your disease is talking. "investing" my time in a group like NA because I think that they won't see me as someone with a problem on their level" Sounds like you have nothing but time @ this point. I am not a member of NA but have went to many meetings with my spouse. There are a lot of NA/AA members in this thread. You definately need more support in order to establish a foundation of recovery

[shugrr22107NA]

Run, don't walk to the phonebook and find the local NA/AA meeting and ask for help. There are people who will help you thru this if you want recovery, and please, don't stop writing here and sharing your story as you go. Sharing is how we ALL get better. You helped me today, your honesty and the proximity to MY story are an amazing gift.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

And as long as you go to meetings and get a sponsor to show you how it's done, you will never be alone again.

Be blessed and trust that the Higher Power that brought you TO this, will bring you THROUGH this...

[southernbeegirl, BSN, RN]

my advice would be to go to a detox center for your xanax detox. benzo detox is the most dangerous detox out there. you need medical treatment for that.

and BREATHE! it feels like the end of the world now...but it's only the beginning of the best part of your life!!!

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I agree with southernbeegirl........you should never attempt to go off benzos cold turkey!! You need to be tapered off under CLOSE medical supervision---otherwise, you risk seizures and even death. Don't do it!

I also echo what other posters have said about Narcotics Anonymous: get thee to a meeting today, if at all possible. The ideal is 90 meetings in 90 days.......for many, that's only the start of recovery, and it's basically an introductory period to the clean/sober life that most of us desperately need. If the first group you try isn't supportive, try another.........and another........and ANOTHER until you find one that nourishes your sore spirit and supports you in your early recovery. (BTW, I consider 'early' recovery to be the first 2+ years after one stops using/drinking; it usually takes at least that long to get comfortable dealing with one's issues without benefit of self-medication.)

Yes, you have made quite a mess of things, but admitting that you have a problem is half the battle won, so DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF NOW!!! This is only the beginning of what can be a wonderful life if you'll just give yourself a chance..........for most of us, putting ourselves in the hands of a Higher Power is the first step. (This Higher Power doesn't have to be a 'religious' figure, it can be the universe or even one's 'better' nature; for me, God IS my Higher Power and He makes me strong where I am weak.) It's also vital to accept responsibility for making the mess and to realize that you are the only one who can clean it up, but with the help of your group and your Higher Power, you can do anything. Trust me on this one!:redbeathe

I wish you all the best. I'm sorry you are hurting right now, and hope you will take the advice offered you to heart as it has been given with only the best intentions. A lot of us have been there, and nothing makes us happier than to see others who are hurting the way we once did, take those first steps into recovery. Please keep us posted; we care.

[nursedora]

Cherybaby, What is best from your friends? How is it more effective or positive for your friends to be supportive of you and your BPD, and or now drug addiction? I have a friend who has BPD, and it's something new to me, and I don't know much except the text book definition, and having taken care of a few pts in the hospital a time or two with BPD.

[all_over_again]

I HATE 12 step programs, but that's just me. I'm an atheist. I don't buy into the "I have no control over my disease" stance. Ultimately, it is all about me (you) and my (your) issues. It is up to you to take control, abstain from drugs (you are NOT helpless), and rebuild your life. You can either be well and be a nurse, or not. YOU decide.

If nursing stress was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, then take a good look at whether you want that for yourself. I understand that money is involved. I also know that there are many things that are more important than money. I am in a bankruptcy agreement because I wasn't sure of my ability to be a competent care giver. Today, I feel like I have done the right thing by refraining from nursing. It has been hard, but I am well and I haven't harmed anyone in the process of getting well.

Best wishes for you, nurse or not.

All_over_again

[nursedora]

All over again,

I feel you missunderstand my post, I'm looking for guidance on how to deal with a friend who has BPD, I've not had much experience with this in all my nursing career or life in general, and don't know which aproach is best to "be there" for my friend. At first impulse, I want to tell her to stand up and be strong, and stop being a snivling crybaby, then I wonder if that approach will send her off the edge. But then if I play into her and sympathize rather than empatize with her, and allow her to cry about every little thing, am I doing her more harm than good?

Keep in mind too, I was raised as a Navy BRAT, and crying over stuff, showing weakness was not allowed, you stand up strong for what you believe in, and look your adversaries straight in the eye, don't coward down to anyone. Save the crying for the privacy of your bedroom or shower.

When my friend is in her depressed phase, she expects people to feel sorry for her because she's crying, or that she's having a rough go of things. And she comes to me during this time more so than when things are going good for her. I'm not an athiest, I do believe in the power of prayer, at the same time I believe in the God given talents of Dr's, us nurses, and therapists to do their part in the healing process. And friends as well. But speaking as a friend rather than nurse, I'm at odds on what to do, or how to handle this. As a nurse, it's easy, I follow Dr's orders for treatment rendered in the clinical setting. As a friend, it's a whole 'nother ball game.