My mind is stabbing my self confidence

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I have been employed as a nurse for nearly a year. As a 20 something, I have experienced 3 job changes, 2 moves, and sometimes, I find myself doubting my abilities.

I started out working at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, the number two hospital in the country and I was excited. Eventually the excitement faded and I realized I was in over my head. I didn't make it past orientation.

I was depressed but I needed to find another job because I moved to a different state and it was not even 4 months at that point. So I found another job at a skilled nursing facility and it was horrible. I lost at least 7 pounds in the 4 months I was employed there. I was anxious all the time and my faith to my profession was tested every day. Eventually, I did what was right for me and I quit.

After a long talk with my mom, I moved back home. Before that, I found another job as an agency nurse. So far, I like the flexibility but the regularity and settings are limited, especially due to my experience. Right now, I'm working with people with developmental disabilities and I like it. I've been in my current situation for 4 months and I'm the least stressed I've ever been at work.

Some days, I doubt if I will be as good as my friends from college. Other days, I'm glad I'm not I'm as high stress situations as they are. I'm resentful of them making more money than I do but then I remind myself that money is not my why.

My why is to help as many people as I can as much as I am able.

My goal is to be a nursing educator and a faculty member at my college. I'll be starting my fully online program in February.

This was a lot to unpack for me but I've held it in for a while. I should be proud of my accomplishments thus far but my mind is stopping me from doing so. I'm okay for a while but then I get into a headspace like this.

Has anyone else felt this lack of self confidence?

-Kathleen

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

I think your emotions and feelings are very human and very natural. At 20something, you still have a lot of time, growth and maturing left in front of you. Your job sounds ideal for venturing back into school. However, if you want to be a nurse educator, you really will need quite a few years of acute care experience. You might consider at least a prn position on a med-surg floor. I know it is difficult to jump back in there when you are feeling like you already have stumbled, but the truth is, all new grads stumble. Some are more supported than others.

This has less to do with what your schoolmates are accomplishing (and remember, social media is a super narrow lens. Nobody puts the truth out there for public consumption) and more to do with your long term goals and how to get them. Nursing is hard. It is hard schooling (you already won there!), hard learning curve, humbling and full of anxiety and angst until you get past about 12-18 months in the same job. Then it is mainly just grueling.

I would advise you to get off social media, see a counselor as you adjust to real life, learn how to file away envy and insecurity and to help you shrug off your sense of "imposter syndrome". You made it through school. You passed NCLEX. You have tenacity, proven by your ability to get back up on the horse, and you have long-term goals. You are already ahead of what I would estimate to be about 90% of the population. What you are lacking right now is simply confidence. That comes only with time, but it has to be earned through a fair amount of discomfort and plain, old fashioned grit. I think you are recognizing your current situation is a good one for low stress but not for getting you where you ultimately want to be. For that, you will have to brave acute care for about 5 years for anyone to take you even remotely seriously as an educator. Having an MSN in nursing education but no acute care experience means you really aren't qualified to be a nursing educator and you will not be a good candidate for education jobs, but will have too high of a degree to be taken seriously for floor positions. Be careful not to land in that experience crack.

I am wishing only good things for you.

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I think after my first year (not until April) I'll see if my agency can get me into a PRN med surg floor or something. Should I go through with the MSN online at Aspen University? Now that you mentioned the experience crack, I really don't want to fall into it....

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

Personally, I would recommend you work a couple of years in acute care. It is great you know what you want, but you need to see educators in action, experience what it is you will be educating on (it is so much more than nursing skills) and get a feeling for how hospitals work. I personally would consider waiting, but this is a decision only you can make. A professor at your school that you bonded with might be a good sounding board.

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Specializes in Tele, ICU, Staff Development.

The above replies are spot on. I'm an educator in acute care, and credibility as an instructor comes from experience.

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

High Five, Nurse Beth. Me too. :)

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Specializes in Med/Surg/Infection Control/Geriatrics.

Yes. And it's ok to admit it. This profession can destroy you if you let it. Be kind to yourself along the way, and well done to you for understanding that not all nursing environments are for everyone!

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Thank you so much. I've taken to seeing a psychologist. She's wonderful in helping me love my life right now.

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