My friend is dying.

Whispera, MSN, RN · Apr 6, 2011

Ask him if he wants to talk about it and be there for him if and when he wants to talk....and cry if you need to, even in front of him. That doesn't mean you become a bucket of tears, but that you express your genuine emotion. Maybe he's holding back on his tears because he doesn't want to burden others? Maybe if others cry, he will feel free to cry too, if he needs to cry?

ErinDel, ASN, BSN, RN · Apr 7, 2011

first i would like to say i am deeply sorry.... i know how it feels to know you are soon going to lose someone who is on hospice care. you already are a great friend to him by being there, and following along with the important activites he chooses to do before his end comes. the best thing is to just listen, be there if he needs to scream, cry, laugh, anything... u are a great friend and a great shoulder to cry on. also be there for his gf for moral support, she is dealing pretty hard with this too. i would take many pictures of you two, maybe a scrap book of memories. videos and voice recordings are good so u not only have a face to remember but a voice too. i wish you luck and strength to get through this. i am sorry for your friend, he is too young to be going through this. i hope he fulfills the things in life he wants while he still has time. tell him its ok to let go, when its time... tell him he is loved and remember him through a legacy he finds is important. you are a strong person and you too will get through this....... :redbeathe

General E. Speaking, RN, RN · Apr 9, 2011

Thanks for the advice. Loosing my uncle suddenly, then another friend who was only 44 a short time ago and learning of his cancer has been quite a blow.

One thing that bothers me right now is he is very angry at God. I am praying that he will get closer to God when his time ends.

leslie :-D · Apr 9, 2011

Thanks for the advice. Loosing my uncle suddenly, then another friend who was only 44 a short time ago and learning of his cancer has been quite a blow.
One thing that bothers me right now is he is very angry at God. I am praying that he will get closer to God when his time ends.

sorry gen'l, but i'm confused.

did you lose a friend who was 44?

if so, then who is angry at God...your friend w/pancreatic ca?

as to what you can do, don't ever underestimate the power of your presence.

it doesn't have to be filled with conversation...just your mere presence.

leslie

ErinDel, ASN, BSN, RN · Apr 9, 2011

he will be closer to god when his time comes. he will need him when he comes to terms that the end is near. he is in the anger phase right now. he is mad that he has been given this horrible death sentence at such a young time in his life. just listen to whatever he says and tell him that god is not angry at him for being mad, that it is a perfectly normal feeling to have. let him know god will be there waiting for him when hes ready for acceptance and ready to pass on.

General E. Speaking, RN, RN · Apr 10, 2011

sorry gen'l, but i'm confused.
did you lose a friend who was 44?
if so, then who is angry at God...your friend w/pancreatic ca?
as to what you can do, don't ever underestimate the power of your presence.
it doesn't have to be filled with conversation...just your mere presence.
leslie

My childhood friend died a few weeks ago, she was 44. My friend with cancer is a fellow nurse friend that I used to work with. He is 30 and is angry w/ God. making a bucket list, etc...

Thanks for the advice. We are either see each other almost everyday and if not, speak a few times throughout the day.

tewdles, RN · Apr 10, 2011

Sorry to hear this...

I lost a friend a few years back, also an RN...39, mother of 2. Breast cancer was her monster. I was her "safe" person. She could express her anger to me. The anger with the disease, the anger with God. It was safe to cry with me...that scared her kids and husband.

So, yeah...just be present. Laugh, talk about silly stuff, cry, talk about work even...just be there.

Campbell'sSoupCan · Apr 20, 2011

I am so sorry for your friend and you as well. I do want to ask you to please not to worry yourself about your friend being angry with God. Please know that because we are human, we get angry most often with the people we love. When our children get angry with us, we do not love them any less, and God is the same way. He does not hold it against us for feeling anger towards him because we are his children, and he loves us. God knows your friend's heart and soul. God loved your friend before he was even born.:heartbeat

tgrosz · Jun 27, 2011

please let us know about your friend

General E. Speaking, RN, RN · Jun 28, 2011

I haven't wanted to come back to this site for some reason. I have been battling some depression/anxiety myself.

My friend is such an awesome person. He is usually positive but has his down moments and confides things to me that would scare his girlfriend (scares me too but i listen). Like talking about suicide before the pain gets really bad. He decided this wasn't a good option- thankfully. I had thought that hospice was set up to see him, however, I have found out that he hasn't called them. His philosophy is that if he goes on hospice he will be dead within a month.

He refuses to take any pain meds because he doesn't want to speed up liver damage (has mets to liver) and he doesn't want hospice even in the end to dope him up with strong narcotics because he wants to remember every last hug that he gets. He is, however, smoking pot. This helps with his nausea and inability to eat as well as the pain.

Lets see what else: We were having Wed nite dinners at his apartment for a while. All his childhood friends would come over, we would crack open some beers and relive their past. We laughed until we almost fell out of our chairs. Lots of hugs and kisses and 'I love yous"

Their lease was up and they were in limbo about where to go because he is still haggling with the court system over the lawsuit that he won when a teenage driver ran onto the curb/grass where he was standing and fx his ribs, tore is rotator cuff and had multiple gashes and lacerations on his legs. he flew into the air and landed on his head causing a concussion. The teenager was only concerned about the dent in her car and when she could leave. A bystander had to actually take the keys away from her because she tried to leave the scene. This is how they found out he had pancreatic cancer...from this accident.

Since the money hadnt come in yet and they were at our house a lot anyway, they moved into our living room temporarily. It was great, then the parties were at my house. We play washers and horseshoes in the back yard. Dh BBQs and i make my extra fatty buttery mashed potatoes for my friend (at his request). Got lots of calls by the neighbors because the street looked like a parking lot and we were making too much noise (whatever).

He went skydiving again. a gift from the husband of my 44yo friend who died suddenly a while back. The same guy took him skydiving again and told him "I'm going to blow your mind" My friend had told him about his terminal illness. My friend said they dove off the plane backwards and did so many spins, then straightened their bodies and jetted off like rockets. he was the last one of 10 to jump out but the first one to land. lol he had a $hit-eaten grin on his face the rest of the day.

One day about 8 of them went to the indoor race track. You should have seen all these men doing squats and stretching exercises before getting into these mini race cars. Too much testosterone. They were steadily talking smack to each other. It was hilarious to watch them haul butt around the corners all bunched up into a ball. A couple of guys got black flagged meaning they had to get off the track. :)

A friend treated about 10 of us to a Mongolian restaurant. Food was great. Our bar bill was outrageous (of course we had designated drivers)

He and his girlfriend ended up going to his dads in Dallas. His birthday (last birthday) was on June17th. he was hoping to get his settlement money and fly all of us to San Diego. That didn't come to be and he got so depressed and angry. Dh and I had already taken the time off of work so we drove to Dallas. He was pumped and chipper that we were coming. His dad and stepmom pulled us aside and gave us a tight hug and thanked us for caring for "their boy".

While there we met his whole family, grandmas, uncles, cousins, etc... Dh and my friend went on the Texas Slingshot. basically a double seat attached to two bungee ropes. It goes 60mph in 2 seconds. We got the video- hilarious to her them cursing and screaming like girls. We went to my brothers place. he has a nice pool. we swam all day and jacuzzied all nite. We played electronic monopoly (his 10yo daughter was with us).

The Astros were in town playing the Rangers and we got free tickets close to the 3rd base line. Lotta smack talking at that game too!

On the drive home, Dh would get teary eyed thinking about them not being at out house. Few miles down the road, I would take my turn.

Currently, he is in Minnesota where his girlfriend is from. They are visiting all of her family. The rest of us are happy to see him in the pictures but sure miss having him here.

All of us text/talk to him multiple times a day.

In a quiet conversation we had early one morning (we were the only ones still up) I asked him where he wanted to be when the end finally came. He hesitated, started to say something and then stopped. I asked him if he would like to be here at our house and he busted out crying. He said he never wanted to ask that of me and my Dh. he realizes that this is a big deal. he told me he didn't want to be all the way up in Dallas away from all his friends. his family has said they can come stay around our area to be close to him. he said, "Boss, i don't want to die in a hospital bed, I want to die right there on your couch in my barefeet".

tewdles, RN · Jun 29, 2011

You are the perfect friend in this moment...may God bless you as you bless your friend!