Maxxy 304 Views
Joined: Dec 4, '03;
Posts: 3 (0% Liked)
DoctorRN (by the way...which is it?);
You've stated that you "don't have to defend my relationship to the likes of you. Plain and simple"...but, isn't that what you've done throughout your entire post? If cheating is something you believe in so strongly, why would my virtuous honesty bother you? The answer is that everything I've said about cheating making one feel insecure, unfulfilled and unhappy is absolutely true. Your post is proof and I knew this is exactly how you would react. It's so sad.
If your meaning of "full of ones self" means that I am secure in the fact that I am a good, honest, hard-working person; happy within my monogomous relationship AND willing to do all that it takes to maintain that happiness, you're correct. I am really full of myself and hope that you'll become full of yourself one day too.
I also hope that one day you'll see for yourself (or I should say feel for yourself) that monogomy is a "gift" and you will stop hiding behind the guise of "choice". I understand that is difficult because if you didn't insist it was a "choice" you'd be admitting to failure and for people who are in denial, labeling in this manner is the only way to accept/justify the issue at hand. Yes, I am judging you and don't feel particularly good about it. However, everyone on this discussion board has the right to do just that after you disrespected the sanctity of marriage in the manner in which you did. By presenting cheating as an alternative to couples having problems, you opened the door to allow everyone to tell you exactly how we feel! I'm a strong believer in calling a spade a spade and what you're doing IS CHEATING which does make you a coward. Call it what it is. I am fully aware that it's not all about sex and NEVER once stated that was my claim. Although, again you make it apparent that you're not secure or happy because of your need to hide behind the rediculous guise that it's not cheating because you don't believe it's about sex....emotional cheating is just as bad. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF CHEATING???? It doesn't necessarily mean that you're going behind someone's back and it doesn't matter if it's a one night stand or a 100 year relationship....the fact is, it means that you're placing energy, emotion, time and love elsewhere. Have you ever thought about what your "marriage" would be like if you were giving it all to one person??
You also insist that "Everything in our relationships is based on honesty. " Ohhhh, so if he told you he was going to kill someone or break the law in another manner, would that make it okay??Don't confuse honesty with integrity. Yes, I do believe honesty is essential, but it must accompany integrity (FYI, integrity means there would be high moral values involved).
You suggest that I should take an inventory of my life...I think you are the one who needs to be searching in that area. It's obvious that you're running away from something and/or desperately seeking something. Unfortunately, this pattern will continue for as long as you feel you're not deserving of finding true happiness.
I wish you much luck and success in your desperate search.
PS...the reason for the 50% cheating rate is because like you, there is an entire generation that's looking for love in all the wrong places and not willing to do the work to reap the profit.
PSS...I'm having a difficult time with people comparing CHEATING with other lifestyles (i.e. being gay, etc). As I said in a previous post...there are many gay couples who are in loving, stable, commited relationships that would LOVE to be married. I completely support that! The Doctor (or is it RN) is making a mockery of marriage and I feel that if you're not willing to play by the rules, find another game!!
When I first read this thread, I was very disheartened to think that NOBODY shared my view of marriage being a priviledge, gift, sanction between TWO people who are willing to fight the battle together and do what it takes MONOGOMOUSLY to get through this journey. I am so grateful that you all have come out to voice your opinions against this rediculous way of rationalizing having no self-respect. Like I stated in my first post....these people have not earned the right to call themselves a married couple.
Iliel (I'm sorry if I spelled your name incorrectly ) I agree wholeheartedly about the gay, monogomous couple that you know. It's so infuriating to me to think that people who insult our intelligence by making up phrases like "polyamorous" get that tax break and a loving couple like your friends can't. Although, the benefit is that your friends are much happier in their loving, respectful, fullfilling relationship than anyone who cheats will ever be.
You'll always find these couples raving about their happiness and connectedness, but it isn't long term. Like anything cheap, it doesn't last long. I hear these types ranting that humans are not "supposed" to be monogomous. I beg to differ...anyone who has found their soul mate (and again, to reach anyone's soul...you have to work really hard) knows that the gift is so profound that once you attain it, there is NO QUESTION we ARE supposed to be monogomous. Lets face it guys....the greatest gift of all is when you share an equal love with ONE person that is so fullfilling and precious, neither of you would ever consider risking it.
I assure you, the doctors wife who "doesn't" have a problem with him having sex "three times" with a woman, obviously has a HUGE problem with it. If she didn't she wouldn't be placing limitations on it, would she???
First of all, monogomy is a gift and should always be treated as such. It's very hard work at times, but resisting temptation and WORKING and respecting your relationship is essential to it evolving, maturing and being appreciated. I respect the people here who have worked through tough times like an affair. As long as your partner is willing to work equally as hard and your goals are sincerely the same, I think problems like this can strengthen your relationship. It sometimes is a gateway to honest communication, which is essential for any healthy relationship. However, for all of you who are in relationships and "have a feeling that your partner is cheating"....THEY ARE. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....guess what? If you're otherwise a secure individual and suddenly things aren't adding up...trust your instincts. Then, do whatever you have to to gain the necessary confidence to do all that you must to be happy and content. For some, that will mean finding a great shrink and eventually leaving. For others it will mean working damn hard on their relationship...ONLY if your spouse is willing.
Secondly, WHY would anyone enter into a marriage with the attitude of "there is never any worry of cheating and dishonesty because if either of us meets someone we are interested in we just discuss it and then ask the person out"???? Athough "polyamorous" is creative, it's not the appropriate way to describe what is going on. I believe in calling a spade a space and honestly....this arrangement is cowardly. You rationalize your agreement by saying "it works for us". Well if you were the only two involved that would be fine, however....do you make sure all the people that you CHEAT with are single or are also in these hypocritical "polynamorous" relationships. If not, do you think about the kids or spouses involved in your selfishness???? I think this would fall into the category of dishonesty! You have no right to consider yourself married. Admit the fact that you don't have what it takes to be married and get a divorce. I'm sure that would be easy....as it's obvious neither of you have any respect for yourselves or your relationship. You're acting like self absorbed teenagers with no emotional ties to anything. I just hope that you don't have children. How can you possibly justify saying "Daddy is sleeping at Susie's house tonight and I will be staying at John's tomorrow"??? I know this all sounds harsh, but it's the reality of your "polyamorous" lifestyle, whether you are willing to see it or not.
Doing the work that it takes to have a great, monogomous relationship is very difficult, but the end result is well worth the journey. I hope someday you will feel this kind of love.
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