Male Nurse In Trouble Need Advice

GingerSue · Mar 21, 2005

Do you know where he stayed? Has he been in contact with you since he left? Did he say the marriage is ended? Do you have supports around? Does he have supports? Is there counseling available for you, he, or both of you?

mnwifehelp · Mar 21, 2005

Edited to add thanks so much for your reply :)

Do you know where he stayed?

Yes I know where he stayed.

Has he been in contact with you since he left?

Yes but only briefly and not to address the issue.

Did he say the marriage is ended?

He siad he is sick of my constant bickering.

Do you have supports around?

Yes I have family and friends for support, but who wants to let anyone know such a thing.

Does he have supports?

Yes but he would only tell that his wife is a constant pain, not what he is doing.

Is there counseling available for you, he, or both of you?

Yes, but again he has no problem, and would NEVER speak of it or cooperate in counseling.

elkpark · Mar 21, 2005

Actually, it's not a "fine" line you cross when you start diverting drugs, it's a big, fat, heavy, thick black line that you can see from a mile away. But, that's neither here nor there and plenty of other people have been in the same boat as your husband.

You need to make sure that, regardless of whatever your husband may be doing, you and the children are safe. Then, you would do well to start attending Al-Anon meetings -- this is the "sister" organization of Alcoholics Anonymous, founded by the wife of the man who founded AA, and provides support and education to family members of substance abusers. If you look up "AA" in the telephone book and call them, they can tell you where the closest Al-Anon group meets. They have helped an awful lot of people who are in same situation as you. You may decide it's not for you, but it's certainly worth a try.

If you really want your husband to wake up and smell the coffee, you could rat him out to his employer and/or the state board of nursing. He would have a lot more trouble denying or rationalizing away the consequences of his actions once they are involved (and, eventually, they will be, one way or another). However, I am not advising you to do that, just pointing out that is one option. It could well damage your marriage further. Only you can decide what you are comfortable doing.

I'm sure you are aware that, when your husband's activities do come to light, he will be looking at possibly losing his license and possible criminal charges. You will not be able to protect him from that, and, even if you were, that would only make it possible for him to continue to deny that there is a serious problem, so you would not be doing him any favor. Things will go (a little) better for him if he acknowledges that he is in trouble, turns himself in, and seeks help voluntarily ...

I've worked in psych and substance abuse treatment for ~20 years, and the best advice I can give you is, 1) don't do anything to protect him from the consequences of his behavior, and 2) start attending Al-Anon meetings.

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this difficult and painful situation. Best wishes --

mnwifehelp · Mar 21, 2005

Elkpark Thank you sooo much for being so honest, It is greatly appeciated.

You have certainly answered my question, I will confront him and tell that he may not think I am doing this for our own good, but either he turns himself in or I will.

The way I see it if I do not do this my marriage will for sure be over and if I do it may be over too, what do I have to loose.

Thanks again and if anyone else has anything to add please do so

elkpark · Mar 21, 2005

Elkpark Thank you sooo much for being so honest, It is greatly appeciated.

You're welcome -- I'm glad you feel that way; I was afraid after I posted that maybe I just sounded mean.

You do not have to be alone in this. Substance abuse is rampant in our society, and I guarantee you that plenty of families in your community are going through the same thing you are, but, like you, everyone feels embarassed and no one wants to admit it in public. Go to Al-Anon -- there will be people there just like you (in the same situation, I mean), but farther along the road and with more experience, and they can give you good advice and support.

Best wishes --

NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN · Mar 21, 2005

I don't want to get him in trouble or to jeapordize his career!

By him making the choice to divert, he has already done that! Not you! You are not at fault in the least, no matter how he twists things. Like elkpark said how much trouble he winds up in depends on him.

I am certainly not condeming your hubby, by any means. It could very easily happen to any one of us.

I pray for wisdom and understanding, courage and right judgment and knowledge for both you and dh. It's going to be a hard time for your whole family, but hopefully a temproary one.

:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

mnwifehelp · Mar 21, 2005

I pray for wisdom and understanding, courage and right judgment and knowledge for both you and dh. It's going to be a hard time for your whole family, but hopefully a temproary one.

Thank you so very much for your prayers and advice. I pray for strength and all the prayers I can get.

BETSRN · Mar 22, 2005

I am very sad to have to be here and requesting help, but I don't know what else to do.
My husband is a male nurse and it has come to my attention that he has crossed the fine line and fallen into taking patients medication to use for himself.
It has been going on for more than a year now and our family is suffering greatly! It's to the point that it doesn't matter if our children are with him or not. Please advise on on what I should do, he is sooo clouded with his thoughts that he thinks it's under control, and that I am the root of all our problems.
2 days ago I asked him to leave and not heard much from him, I am scared to death this is going to end our marriage..............
what do I do?? ......Please Help!
I don't want to get him in trouble or to jeapordize his career!
Thanks in Advance

At this point I am sure everything is a blur (I was left by my husband for different reasons but I understand how you are feeling). It is most important that you protect YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. Make sure you all are safe. Your husband has a long road ahead of him and it is something he is going to have to do by himself. Don't be surprised that he is blaming you. The one who has been wrong is always looking to point the finger at someone else.

Just do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. The rest will fall into place but it may take a long time. You can be supportive of him (emotionally) without taking on his responsibility. Rememebr, he has the substance abuse problems, not you. Nurses always have the opportunity to get help from wemployee assistance programs and he obviously didn;t see the need to help himself. YOU are NOT to blame at all. Just remember that and it will help you to remain string.

Use your family and friends as support and don't be afraid to seek counselling for yourself if it will help (it usually does).

Good luck and hugs to you.

dbsn00 · Mar 22, 2005

You're welcome -- I'm glad you feel that way; I was afraid after I posted that maybe I just sounded mean.
You do not have to be alone in this. Substance abuse is rampant in our society, and I guarantee you that plenty of families in your community are going through the same thing you are, but, like you, everyone feels embarassed and no one wants to admit it in public. Go to Al-Anon -- there will be people there just like you (in the same situation, I mean), but farther along the road and with more experience, and they can give you good advice and support.
Best wishes --

Please take this poster's advice & look into Al-Anon so you can get the support you're going to need from people going through it themselves- there is also a support group for children (can't remember the name though). Good luck to you & your family, you're in my prayers... :balloons:

bugsyrodrn · Mar 22, 2005

i wish you the best in your decision...don't know what state you are in, but since drug diversion is a fairly common issue within the nursing profession, many states have either voluntary or mandatory reporting systems in place, with mandatory counseling offered. While it certainly does not diminsh the seriousness of the issue, he does have some options---the real issue is whether he wants the help or not--if he wants the help, it's out there. In the meantime, YOU need to get help and support for yourself and your family, regardless of the outcome of your husband's dilemma, to help you through this. good luck

statrn42 · Apr 16, 2005

I am very sad to have to be here and requesting help, but I don't know what else to do.
My husband is a male nurse and it has come to my attention that he has crossed the fine line and fallen into taking patients medication to use for himself.
It has been going on for more than a year now and our family is suffering greatly! It's to the point that it doesn't matter if our children are with him or not. Please advise on on what I should do, he is sooo clouded with his thoughts that he thinks it's under control, and that I am the root of all our problems.
2 days ago I asked him to leave and not heard much from him, I am scared to death this is going to end our marriage..............
what do I do?? ......Please Help!
I don't want to get him in trouble or to jeapordize his career!
Thanks in Advance

Call the State Board of Nursing in your state and get him away from those patients NOW. It's not about you or your family, it's about the patient and their safety. Do it now!