Well, I had clinicals today and it went worse than I could ever imagine. We took 6 patients to do meds on in PCU (the floor nurses there only take 4) and we were late with almost all of our meds. At this hospital you only have a 30 minute window frame instead of an hour and since we had 6 pts on a ton of drugs, it just didn't happen. We didn't even finish 0900 meds until 1100! Well, at first things were going well, I was having fun doing meds etc, but as the day went on my nerves became shot. Our E-MAR for instance, kept crashing every few minutes causing me to have to boot it back up and rescan all my meds, quite a few of the drugs had either not been filled, or had not been acknowledged, it seemed like the interruptions were endless. My instructor whom I've always respected and adored very much became very rushed and at times down right hateful to me over it seemed everything I did. At one point my hands were shaking so bad I didn't think I would ever get some of the pills out of the individual wrappers, I had to give several injections and the first couple of injections I did fine with but the last few of them I did were terrible. My technique was down right awful, I wasn't darting the syringe correctly and I felt so sorry for my pts because I KNOW it hurt. I wanted to take my time to make sure I didn't make any errors well, my instructor kept on and on about how we were running late, we needed to put a move on it, etc. I became so nervous, so frustrated, so anxious it wasn't even funny. At one point we thought that I had made a med error because of things the computer was saying, at this point it was all I could do to keep from crying, thank god it turned out that I did NOT give the drug and everything was fine. Towards the end of the day, I was a breath away from telling her I wouldn't be back, my self esteem has been completely depleted and I honestly don't know if I'll make it through this program. How can I ever be a good nurse if I can't even give meds properly? She apologized for being so hateful and mean towards be and that she always gets that way during med passes, but who knows if she meant it. I feel so stupid and I feel like a complete failure as if I've let everyone I know, including myself, down. She did say that tomorrow we would only take 4 pts instead of 6 but what if I keep screwing up, if I stay so nervous I know I won't be able to do it. I always thought nursing was my calling but if tomorrow goes as terrible as today went, I may have to rethink my plans.