I need to tell my story

[RecoveringKite]

Hello, I am an RN of 12 years. I started Nursing school when I was 32 years old. I worked part time and went to school full time for 4 yrs. I had a Husband and 2 little girls. I was always a strong woman. I prided myself on not having an addictive personality, whether it be to drugs, etoh, men etc. I always was in control. One week after I graduated Nursing school, after my graduation party, my Husband told me he wanted a divorce. I was devistated. I found out he was having an affair, and it wasn't the first.(I was blind). He found out the new woman wasn't as exciting as he thought after we all found out. We worked things out with help and counseling, but things were never the same. We managed to stay together. My daughters graduated HS and started college. He wanted to move to WVA...so we bought 10 acres and built a house. I worked at a Hosp. in VA. My husband did not work for 8 months because he was finishing the house so we could move in. We stayed with my Aunt and Uncle for 4 months while he was working on the house. This woman was like my Sister and my best friend. She called me everyday after I moved out and into my new house.

My youngest daughter moved to WVA to go to college close to us. She came home on weekends. I have always been very close to my girls. My oldest daughter moved in with her boyfriend in PA.

One year after living in the house, my husband began saying he wanted to move back to PA to be near his aging parents. I was confused, because he planned on moving them up with us, after the basement was done.

My youngest daughter was home for the summer, and we both were feeling something not right. After months of telling me we need to move, I gave in in August of that year. We had one week between settlement on the sale of the home in WVA and the purchase of our home back in PA.

We decided to take our girls on vacation. We packed up and went to Outer Banks for the week. We were to be there Sunday til Saturday. Monday night, I noticed my Husband would not bring his cell phone into the home we rented. That was odd. So at about 2am Tuesday morning, I went to his car, and got his phone. I listened to the messages and there it was again. 4 messages from a woman named Christine. It was like dejavue. The next morning, I told him I knew. I made him tell our daughters and we packed up and went back to WVA. We were all devastated. The next day, I was helping pack. I went to take a bird house down off the front porch and was stung by about 6 bees. I thought, my GOD what am I doing. I called my parent in MD and told them what was going on, and they told me to come home. I left that day, and never went back...but the break up nearly destroyed me. I felt stupid, used, worthless. I talked my old Nurse Mgr. in PA to take me back. I lived in MD and worked 3 days a week. I began aching and throbbing all over. I told everyone I was okay...but I felt like I was dying and did not know why.

One night at work, I got a very upsetting phone call, and that was it. I gave one of my patients their IV narcotic and I used the rest. After that it was a descent to hell. Over the next 2 weeks, on the 3 days I worked used every time...I never took any home with me though. After the 3rd week, my Mgr. called me in her office and told me what was brought to her attention. I was pulling out narcotics for other Nurses patients. She cried. She thought I was stock piling the drugs to kill myself. She helped me get into the PA recovery plan. I was set up with a counselor and had random drug screen which were always negative. The problem now was, I was unemployed and had to pay $100 every other week for the counselor, and pay for the random drug screen. I could not work in PA as a Nurse. I called my old job in WVA and told them I could come back 3 days a week and a friend said I could stay with her. I knew I wasn't suppose to do this...but I needed money. The same happened there, after 3 weeks. I was making trips from MD, to PA to WVA every 4 days. I was driving my self insane with guilt, fear, pain, regret. I had no dignity, no pride. I didn't care about myself anymore. I lost my job in WVA for the drug divertion...WVA took my license. PA has not taken my license yet because I was in the program...but I soon stopped the program because I couldn't afford it. I had gone to MD to get a Nursing License and suprise I got one. I guess because while in PA, there were no marks against my license while I was in the program. I have worked for 2 years in MD. I stopped the IV drug use. I started having incredible pain in my joints and muscles. I couldn't get around it. I went to a Rheumatologist. I was tested for Lupus, RA and other things. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, DJD, lupus was inconclusive. The Dr. prescribed a battery of meds, including Vicodin 10/325. I took 240 per months for the past 3 years. I have been working steadily and not diverting and meds from work. 3 weeks ago, I rode to CVS to obtain a refill of my meds. I was detained and arrested by the DEA and police under suspician of selling the narcotics. I was completely devistated. I had never ever done such a thing. Those pills were like gold to me. The good thing on my side, is that I never physically took the prescriptions to the pharmacy, they were always faxed by my Dr. But now I have to get an attorney to prove my innocence. I stopped taking all of my meds 2 1/2 weeks ago, cold turkey. I spent the first and second weekends of the withdrawel process in the hospital with severe hypertension...then orthostatic hypotension, It was awful. I can't believe where I am. I had to quit my job because I was so sick...and I did not want to tell them why. Now I can't get a job because of the felony arrest, until that is cleared up. Im completely off the meds, I have contacted an attorney...but where do I go from here? Oh, I forgot to mention...I did get remarried 1 years ago to a wonderful man, whom was my dear friend for many years. He is very loving and supportive as are my daughters and family....but it has taken me this long to truly admit my problem...and I still have so many issues to deal with. Where do I start? sorry this is so long

[Silverdragon102, BSN]

Hi and welcome to the site

Although we can not offer legal advice and BON will probably have their say I wish you well in your present journey.

[Drysolong]

hello and welcome!! i wish you all the best. perhaps soon you will be in a position to help others overcome all that you have. (both patients and other nurses)

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Stay clean and sober first and foremost. Are you in any kind of narcotic rehab program such as Narcotics Anonymous? I highly suggest that you go to meetings daily for support with your addiction, so you don't go back there.

Things will then fall into place, one day at a time. Good luck with everything. Hang in there.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[mummasheesh]

Please, please, please get to a 12 step program. One day at a time, things will get better. You are in my thoughts and payers! Keep us posted, OK?

[rhirn333]

Listen, I am new to this sort of thing myself, and I haven't found many answers on any websites. I have read some rather interesting and painful stories though. So, because I feel that I have reached a dead end with various forums, I feel your desperation/frustration.

I will offer you what I have learned thus far. Get a GREAT attorney, I mean really research it. Since you are facing a felony conviction and BON issues, it would be wise to have representation for both areas. I have been extremely fortunate with my attorneys and they have not only been very knowledgeable, but also very HUMAN!!

Remember, no one lives in a glass house, we ALL make mistakes, the thing that really matters is how we handle the mistakes we make.

Remain clean, look for alternatives to pain, attend therapy, figure out what pushed you over the edge in the first place. Yes, I know you've had some painful emotional things happen to you.....but, they aren't REALLY the reason you crossed the line....it would be SIMPLE if the reasons were just that simple!!! We all reach "critical mass" at many points in our lives...we've just got to figure out the weaknesses in our own psyche.

I am working on this right now, trying to figure out what pushed me over the edge too! It's a hard road, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason.....keep working through this...ultimately, this experience will make you a better person and a better nurse.

Please keep posting...........:typing

~rhi