I Miss Nursing

[Cricket183, BSN, RN]

Six years ago today (actually Feb. 29th) was my last day to work. I was a RN on a very busy inpatient oncology unit. I loved it! There is something very special about working with cancer patients and their families. It's rewarding beyond belief. Difficult, but rewarding. I always saw it as a ministry not just a career. I also loved the technical, scientific aspect of it. Chemo, lab values, neutropenia precautions, etc. all appeal to my meticulous nature. Oncology was my little niche.

I have flashbacks to that day...I had just worked three 12-hour shifts in a row. I had been diagnosed with RSD of the neck, right arm and shoulder in Nov. 2006. I was in extreme pain but continued to work because I really didn't want to give up my career at age 40. The hospital I worked for had a no narcotic policy so I relied on a Spinal Cord Stimulator for pain relief. In recent months the SCS had begun failing and was no longer helping my pain. The RSD was also spreading beyond it's original site to include my left shoulder and arm, my rib cage & chest wall. (It's now in my entire upper body and affects my heart, stomach, and immune system.) Anyway, after I got home I was in such extreme pain I was vomiting and nearly to the point of passing out. My husband took me to the ER and I was admitted to the hospital in a severe pain crisis. Over the three days I was in the hospital, my pain management doctor, my neurologist, my hematologist, and my cardiologist all told me it was time to go on disability. Reluctantly, I agreed because I knew they were right. I never returned to work again.

I still miss nursing more than ever. I miss the patients. I miss the intellectual stimulation. I miss the comradarie. I still pray every day that one day I will be able to return to the career I love so much. I know it's not all ponies and roses. I remember the bad days, too. What I wouldn't give for a bad day right now!

[TriciaJ, RN]

I'm sorry you had to give up your career so early - in your nursing prime! I hope your pain is controlled and you are able to enjoy life. Is there any kind of nursing you can do that wouldn't aggravate your symptoms? Either way, I'm sending you good thoughts.

[Retired APRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

I am so sorry, Cricket. I've had to retire for medical reasons, too, and even though I was in my fifties it's been hard. I miss it all the time. That's why I joined AN - to get back the taste of nursing. I find that answering the posts some of the younger/newer nurses put up and trying to answer their questions is very satisfying.

[MohinjoDaro]

I am extremely sorry that you had to throw in the towel early Cricket183. Do you still keep in contact with friends and co-workers. 1 of my co-workers actually became a good friend. They can still keep you in the loop provide some of the stimulation you have grown accustomed to. Also could you volunteer (prn) at a local hospital or nursing home? Im not too familiar with RSD so im not sure if the pain comes about spontaneously with no warning or conscience triggers, or if it can be controlled some days. Hope my input was of help.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

Welcome....I miss it so much it hurts...((HUGS)). I spend my time here and in the student section passing it forward.

[sharpeimom]

I became permanently disabled suddenly and with absolutely no warning at all on the day after my 53rd birthday. Some birthday present, wasn't it? My husband had a lunchtime meeting on my birthday, so we decided we'd have a quick lunch at the student union the day after. I worked 7pm to 7am Wed., Thurs., and Fri., so dinners were out. Besides that we were potty training our new puppy.

I was fine when we ate and I drove myself home again. I took the puppy out and crated him for a nap. As I was doing that, I felt weird. Ten years later, that's still the best way I can explain it. We're right around the corner from the hospital and it never occurred to me to call an ambulance or a neighbor. I drove myself! My speech was unintelligible by the time I arrived. Fortunately, our neighbor and good friend Jim, who's a cardiologist, saw me and took over. Jim saved my life by cutting through all the triage paperwork and getting me right back. He called my neurologist who lives about 35 miles away. The final dx was a very rare type of stroke caused by an earlier aneurysm, which I had had rupture when I was 13 months old. I finally didn't renew my driver's license three months ago. I don't know which was tougher. Surrendering my nursing license or my driver's license. My neuro keeps telling me that there is NO reason for me not to drive locally, but as the child of two lawyers, I can only envision the whopper of a lawsuit waiting for me if I would so much as ding someone's fender. No thank you!

What is soooo hard is that making people realize that with my type of stroke, you do NOT make much of a recovery. Not when compared with other types. Trying to make people, even some MDs, understand that TPA won't and didn't do a **** thing, has been nearly impossible. I was healthy, athletic, ate well, exercised etc. etc. You just can't undo genetics. I survived what killed my dad at age 52, and several other relatives at young ages. I'm very very limited physically but my mind is just as clear as always. I have forgotten much of the nursing I learned outside of psych and I make more lists. I told my husband recently that the very next person who said something like, "My ___ had a stroke and is almost back to normal again." was going to need new teeth!

Allnurses helps a lot.

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

{{ hugs to you all }}

I know how much nursing means to me.... and how lost I would/ will someday be without it.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

I met Sharpeimom here on AN! Kindred spirits. My journey wasn't as abrupt I guess as hers. I was diagnosed with MS a few years back after some episodes of blindness in one eye/optic neuritis numbness and weakness and unsteady gait. I thought OKAY...I got this...I mean Hey...Montel looks great! Right? I was 41. I wasn't prepared for the fire storm when I "came out" at work. I lost my job. I learned to lie.

As years go by and a couple more jobs when I was outed....I moved on. But I wasn't right. Progressive symptoms plagued me. Something was wrong. I downsized and downsized my position/size of facility due to hiding physical limitations in a small critical assess facility close to home as a supervisor and educator. After an admission for pericarditis and pneumonia, a staggering gait, and being accused of being impaired. I was busted. I had to admit my limitations/diagnosis. I was soon let go from that position as well.

I developed a rash that covered my face and exposed skin like a sunburn I couldn't sallow and my voice became hoorifice. A drug reaction right? wrong. I have polymyositis/dermatomyositis. A rare progressive inflammatory muscular disorder. I became one of Jerry's Kids. I was unemployable.

Now I may have lupus. I have what they now call MCTD. Multiple Connective Tissue Disorder. Which is a nice way of saying...buy a wheelchair....and prepare yourself for a heartbreaking experience. Years of fighting for SSDI. The disappearance of savings, 401K (at least what was left after the crash) financial hardship. I had no disability...remember I was "let go". NO ONE will insure me now. My appearance is Jobba the Hut with a sunburn in a wheelchair. Truly lovely. No facility wants an ugly disabled nurse in a wheelchair....even though I am still perfectly capable of teaching and being an educator. Hexk tele triage positins won't touch me with a 10 foot pole. I am a financial risk. even though I wouldn't take benefits.

Friends? They are busy. They have lives and jobs. I think I make them uncomfortable. Family? They are 1100 miles away.

I have kept my license current and I tutor on the side ( for free... for I can't risk my SSDI). I also secretly pray for a miracle....even though I know now....no one would hire me...I'm considered stale, incompetent for bedside, useless. Yet my mind and heart screams for my patients and my job.

I am talking about it more because I have to accept that I will probably (see hope again) never work again. I feel the necessity to keep it a secret waning because the reality of my situation is setting in....I will never work at the bedside again.

We have worth! I have a family here on AN! It saves my brain. I try to pay it forward here. It is what it is. My children are healthy. My daughter has been accepted to a couple of 4 year nursing programs (even though she has seen how I have been treated) and we are thrilled.

((HUGS))

[nursel56]

(((Cricket))). Hugs to you. There isn't much to say that hasn't been said by my eloquent friends already.

I'm not out entirely from working, but I can say that interacting with other nurses and students here on Allnurses has been very rewarding. It even helps my empty nest syndrome in real life!

[Mortpm1]

Can you do telephone nursing? Lots of nurses work from home in the company I used to work for, manning their 24/7 nurse advice lines.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Ministry or not.... YOU must take care of yourself. You pushed yourself to the point of hospitalization.

The RSD trigger could very well have been the stress of your position. NOTHING is worth that.

So many nurses are suffering from stress related illnesses, it should be a wake up call to us all.

There are ways to fulfill your need to help others. Start with searching work from home positions. Mortpm1 gave an excellent suggestion.

[yellowman]

I agree, i have been an LVN now going to school for my RN. The stress is definitely not worth it. I learnt the hard way, that first i have to take care of myself before i can do the same to others. Plus i only have one life to live....... I hope to live beside sometime soon.