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I don't know what to do anymore (a spectator's grief)

Recovery   (1,562 Views 8 Comments)
by life_aknew life_aknew (New Member) New Member

4,419 Visitors; 143 Posts

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He hates when I write about him. I just don't have much of an outlet these days. I can't sleep; haven't been able to for more than a few hours for almost 2 weeks now. Sad, devastated, drained...doesn't even begin to describe it. The pain.

I want to help him but it took 3 years of being alone to realize and understand that I can't. I'm not even able to support him like I should because of past history and diminished hope...and worst of all resentment. How can I love someone so much yet resent him as much as I do. I wanted to fully believe it was the alcohol and some days I do, but for the most part I find myself thinking him selfish and that he's doing it on purpose. Logically I know this isn't true, but behold I am only human and I need someone to blame other than myself. Other than circumstance and it...(the booze.) The hurtful things he spews from his mouth, the disappearing acts for weeks at a time, the debts, the 'borrowing' (too ashamed to call it what it really is) the convenience of keeping company with seedy characters and the inappropiate 'friendships' with those of the female persuasion. I am drained. I am tired. I am hurt. I am angry. I am jealous that I'm last on the list of concerns.

I don't know how to let him go. I wait and I wait and I wait some more for him. Seems I've spent the last 10 years doing just that. Waiting for him to stop, waiting for him to start again. Waiting for him to finally see me. See that the word love pales in comparrison to what I feel for him. I'm riddled with fear and worry everytime he leaves. Waiting for the phone to ring or for that late night knock at the door that will deliver a news so awful...so unbearable. I don't even know where is he is or if he's ok. I love him but I'm tired. I want him, but I'm tired. Waiting for the day that I will finally say NO and mean it.

Just needed this emotional vent/rant/babble. My One, my kindred, my doll...he has lost himself to the bottle. And I can't help him. :crying2:

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

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sissiesmama has 22 years experience as a ASN, RN and specializes in ER, TRAUMA, MED-SURG.

21,606 Visitors; 1,893 Posts

Aknew -

Hello. I am so sorry to read your post - your anguish is palpable. I don't have much to offer other than good thoughts and prayers. I know that doesn't help much - but please know u are in my prayers daily. I hope u are able to find someone near to u to listen. We all need that -

Anne, RNC

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9,721 Visitors; 324 Posts

i, too, am so sorry for your anguish. being on the "other" side of such a situation, i can only imagine how you feel. not that it will help a lot right now, but keep in mind that it his addiction, not him, that is driving him & his actions right now. he is not a bad person- he is sick. you cannot "fix" him- but you can begin to take care of yourself. have you tried al-anon? it might be a good support system for you. good luck- may God bless you! take care!

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4,419 Visitors; 143 Posts

i, too, am so sorry for your anguish. being on the "other" side of such a situation, i can only imagine how you feel. not that it will help a lot right now, but keep in mind that it his addiction, not him, that is driving him & his actions right now. he is not a bad person- he is sick. you cannot "fix" him- but you can begin to take care of yourself. have you tried al-anon? it might be a good support system for you. good luck- may God bless you! take care!

Thank you both for your kind words. I realized this morning that, maybe, I shouldn't have posted this. Please excuse my insensitivity. I swear I didn't mean it as such.

I have been in al anon on and off for 4 years. Just recently though, they closed the one in my neighborhood and it's hard to get to the one that is offered 2 towns over from me.

Again, thank you.

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waldo_1984 has 4 years experience.

1,697 Visitors; 33 Posts

aknew,

i didn't take your post as insensitive at all! the disease of alcoholism goes beyond the person doing the drinking, sadly we don't realize the way our actions impact those around us-those that love us. truly, in my situation, i demonized those that loved me the most, pushing them away and making them the enemy...after all they were the ones with the problem, not me. that mode of thinking led me down a very destructive path and even though i distanced myself from those i cared about i couldn't understand how my actions still impacted them, i was too selfish to understand that it was because they loved me that harming myself in the way i was, in turn was also harming them. it was a startling revelation for me that happened only once i achieved some time in sobriety.

i will pray for you both, that you may be given strength and healing and true serenity as you both search for the road to recovery.

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4,419 Visitors; 143 Posts

i will pray for you both, that you may be given strength and healing and true serenity as you both search for the road to recovery.

beautiful.

me too.

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llltapp has 17 years experience and specializes in ER, ARNP, MSN, FNP-BC.

3,258 Visitors; 121 Posts

Please get and read "women who love too much" :) Take care of yourself, pray for him, and keep posting

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AimeepawsRN has 15 years experience and specializes in OR, ER, Oncology, CPC.

1,859 Visitors; 38 Posts

Yes, reading women who love too much is great along with Al-Anon meetings. I do have to say that my husband would have left me if I didn't get help and would have taken my children. Fortunately I got help but that is always not the case in all circumstances. Addiction is just so horrible and draining for both sides. I am now on the other side, if you will, watching my sister go through addiction. I have had to distance myself from her because she just will not listen or take her first step. I can't put my recover at risk trying to constantly pull her up. I know how hard it is because I am an addict is what I try and tell her. Please take care of you because sometimes we are just so limited on how much we can help is all I am trying to say. Please take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you...

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