I Hope Some Of Your Days Are Still Worth It

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

I've posted a few times recently that the past couple months have been ROUGH. Nearly all of my ICU patients have died. The assignments have been bordering on unsafe almost constantly, tripled with vented COVID patients, pressors, codes, the whole nine yards. I recently went to a per diem position and last week was awful with three COVID patients, two on vents, one maxed on high flow who was very needy. I left exhausted and when I arrived last night I found out that the two on vents had died and the one on high flow is now intubated and will probably die.

Then an hour and a half into my shift last night, my patient codes and dies. He was a former COVID pneumonia patient who was declining in the hospital for over a month. I really thought for most of the night that maybe I should just quit. Then this morning I was talking with one of the other patients I had overnight, a young woman I have cared for over the years because of her complex medical issues. I was giving her some medications and out of nowhere she said (paraphrased) "I don't know if you ever considered doing something else, but it's obvious that you are meant to be a nurse. When we finished up last night (after meds and wound care) I got the best sleep I've had since I got here because you made me some comfortable and I knew that you were going to be looking in on me all night. You have a light around you that I've seen in only a couple other nurses, and it's so reassuring." 

I've said many times that I don't do this job for the external validation, and I've truly felt that when I wrote it. I didn't realize until right then, though, just how much I needed those words this morning. Guess I won't quit. 

I hope you all still have days that make it worth it, too. 

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

It is so special when a patient really sees you and all that you are striving to do for them. So glad you had this connection with your patient and got this affirmation, especially during what had to be a difficult shift.

[Davey Do]

14 hours ago, JBMmom said:

I've said many times that I don't do this job for the external validation, and I've truly felt that when I wrote it. I didn't realize until right then, though, just how much I needed those words this morning. Guess I won't quit. 

When we do this work only for external validation, we will always come up on the short end of the stick, JBMmom. But to receive that external validation is an uplifting experience no matter how much of a Mother Teresa we are.

Joseph Campbell defined a celebrity as one who acts for themselves and a hero (before it became a cliche) as one who acts to redeem society. Someone else said a hero is merely one who hangs in there five minutes longer than most.

Count yourself as a hero, JBMmom, in the true sense of the word.

[mmc51264, BSN, MSN, RN]

I too have had a rough couple of months. Watching RNs come and go. This past weekend I had a couple of pts that really helped reinforce why I do this. A young man after an MVC, reminded me of my son. A man and his wife, husband has cancer and they had some hardship. Found a way to help him going forward. Another newly dx cancer pt with a brand new ostomy, at an older age. 

Was able to have the luxury of actually caring for them instead of spinning my wheels. They were all very appreciative and I think I made their stay better. ❤️ 

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

8 hours ago, Davey Do said:

Count yourself as a hero, JBMmom, in the true sense of the word.

Well if the screen looks red, I might be blushing. Thank you for your kind words, I would never use the word hero, but I'll proudly count myself as a hard-working nurse.

6 hours ago, mmc51264 said:

I too have had a rough couple of months.

I'm glad that you also had some patients that validated your efforts. Hoping that we're all facing better days ahead!

14 hours ago, NightNerd said:

So glad you had this connection with your patient and got this affirmation, especially during what had to be a difficult shift.

Thank you! It did put a much better feel on the night. 

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

What a lovely thing to say, assuming it wasn't done in a manipulative, staff-splitting kind of way--"You have a light around you."  I'm glad you got the validation you need to keep going--given what you've seen and done, I'm sure it felt good.  Hugs to you.

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

It amazes me that we still are having so many people die of COVID three years into this pandemic. I am so sorry that you are still having to go through with this.

And tripled adult ICU assignments are never safe. 

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

3 hours ago, LibraSunCNM said:

I'm glad you got the validation you need to keep going--given what you've seen and done, I'm sure it felt good.

Thank you so much, this young lady is always pleasant and never manipulative with staff, she's hospitalized very frequently due to health issues. It was definitely a validating moment.

 

12 minutes ago, ThePrincessBride said:

I am so sorry that you are still having to go through with this.

And tripled adult ICU assignments are never safe. 

Thank you. In the past the triple assignments were very infrequent, and we usually have at least one or two patients that make it a more appropriate option, like a patient we know is ready for a downgrade to the PCU or floor. And sometimes we have patients that are alert, mostly oriented, and only in the unit because of a small amount of infusion medication, like precedex or a pressor. Those assignments are less concerning. But for the past two months, management hasn't really seemed to bat an eye about triple assignments with three vented patients, sometimes very unstable, and often without any techs. Twelve patients, four nurses, that's it. Not fair to the patients in any way, thank you for your kind thoughts.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

Im glad that pt was able to validate your work. 
Everytime I want quit , that kind of situation happens(validation) , and I hang on a little longer. 
But I am officially done( unfortunately I don't care what a pt says)For the last 6 months on average our imcu/pcu has been having take 7 to 9, sometimes 10 patients a piece with drips , pacer wires chest tubes,bipap , restraints, tavrs(who always bleed).days and nights. 
my days are definitely not worth it anymore.and my license says its not worth it either ?

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

21 hours ago, martymoose said:

my days are definitely not worth it anymore

I am so sorry to read your update. That sounds like an incredibly unsafe situation, I can't imagine having that patient in load in such high acuity patients. I wish you all the best in your next career path. 

[John2018]

I'm at the point of my life in this career where I count on this kind of day/shift.

[1gr8trnstudent, ADN, BSN, RN]

Yessssss JBMmom!! I just had that moment on Monday this week! I was feeling down and overwhelmed with taking care of patients on my travel assignment and was wondering if leaving my staff job was the best idea and a correctional officer stopped me and said, "you are doing a great job, I don't know if anyone has told you that." That made all the difference!