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Husband is not ready for me to go to nursing school!!

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by hamolady hamolady (Member)

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You are reading page 6 of Husband is not ready for me to go to nursing school!!. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

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Thank you very very much guys for the beautiful encouraging words. From the bottom of my heart i truly appreciate it. I spoke with my husband yesterday and it did not end up well. I kept asking him why he would be mad at me for pursuing my dreams to help our little family out in the future and he kept telling me his mom was right about me that he should've divorced me a long time ago. I asked him numerous times why he would be so upset and finally he admitted to me that since he can't cook he does not know who will cook for the kids and he claim he can't take care of 3 kids he will need some help(smh)but when i told him that my parents are willing to help us out when my nursing school starts and he refused and bluntly told me that this was my job to care for the kids and to hold on to my dreams until the kids graduate high school. No sir!!! I am good!! I already made up my mind and he does not want to go to counseling as well so there goes that. Anyways, I am going to start Nursing School wether he likes it or not!!!Thank you to all you beautiful people who took the time to comment back this is just a little update on my side. God bless

I guess you have your answer then. I'm sorry - but it sounds like this is the absolute best time to get into school and create your own life. You're worth it.

Best of luck to you.

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Ruby Vee has 40 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

11 Followers; 65 Articles; 170,451 Visitors; 13,938 Posts

How do we even know what the poster is saying is true? When most people give their side it is just that, their side. All in the name of becoming a nurse i feel is what is making many people side with her. Who knows what her true behavior is towards her husband. Who knows what his is. Far too many post of just leave him are on this board. How about get counseling and see how that goes. We don't know how she treats him. Nothing wrong with supporting someone who wants to become a nurse but giving so much advice on the direction of a posters marriage just doesn't see, fair. This is a nursing board. Direct her to a counselor.

The red flags in the OP's posts are glaringly obvious. No, we don't know the husband's side and no we don't know how she treats him. All we know is that she says he "gets mean" and that he doesn't want her to start school because he believes his education (although he appears to have done nothing about it) comes first. Perhaps leaving him is premature, but I hope to the heavens that the OP at least considers the idea that her husband may be controlling and abusive and explores that idea before giving up on her own education to try to keep him happy.

The vast majority of women would never want anyone to know that their marriage might be abusive -- it's something that feels shameful. I am fairly confident that what the OP writes is indeed true. Women don't just make this stuff up.

Counseling is a great idea, but I'd caution the OP as well as anyone else who might be in this situation to go to individual counseling first . . . abusive men are often charming enough to take over couples counseling sessions and get the counselor on their side against the partner. I have seen it in action and yes, lived to tell about it. But almost didn't live.

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2 Followers; 2 Articles; 41,013 Visitors; 2,806 Posts

Get him to ask his buddies what life is like when you mess with a woman's dream.

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543 Visitors; 15 Posts

I haven't posted in a very long time, but your post jumped out at me. I read your most recent response and frankly, I'm worried about your safety.

Unfortunately, it is when a spouse leaves or announces their plan to leave an abusive relationship that things can go from bad to dangerous really quickly.

I urge you to make a secret plan to leave, in such a way that he can't stop you or stalk you. If you need help, call the domestic abuse hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Some may think I'm overreacting, but I don't think so. The threat is real. Be safe and move forward with a better life for you and your children.

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3ringnursing has 25 years experience as a BSN and specializes in ICU; Telephone Triage Nurse.

1 Article; 8,381 Visitors; 542 Posts

When I was getting ready to start nursing school and was taking prerequisites still, a very wise professor gave us all some advice. I believe it was the first day of anatomy and physiology. He asked how many of us were going into the nursing program, and most of the class raised their hands. He said, "I'm going to give you all some advice. Make sure you have a strong support system. Especially you women. I mean families too, not just husbands and boyfriends. You will be surprised how many relationships won't last through nursing school. Many men see their women getting educated and getting good jobs. Sometimes they even start making more money than their men. They go to work with doctors. A lot of times the men can't handle it. They want you to stay dumb and poor so you'll need them. If you are smarter than them and make more money than them they feel like you don't need them anymore. They are scared you're going to leave them for a doctor or something. Who knows. They might stay, but a lot of them can't handle that. Trust me. This is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do. Make sure you have a support system that will always be there."

Fortunately, my relationship was and is still strong. Without support, it would have been near impossible though. Maybe your husband is one of those men that just can't handle the thought of his wife being more educated and making more money than him. Maybe he is afraid you are going to find someone better. Maybe he is afraid because you won't need him anymore and will be able to survive on your own.

Now is the time to ask some tough questions. Will he be able to be happy if you are a nurse? Or will he always feel insecure because you make more money and worry about you meeting some better suited at work? Are the two of you able to work through these next few trying years? If not, maybe it's time to find another source of emotional support.

Don't postpone nursing school any longer! Do it now! I wish I wouldn't have waited as long as I did. Don't put your life on hold for anyone else. You have a right to pursue your dreams and a responsibility to become what you are called to be. Good luck. Prayers and happy thoughts for both you and your husband during this trying time.

Your professor was a wise man - that sadly described my marriage immediately after I graduated from a BSN program to a "T".

This is a very sad tale about intense love that went bad. A friend told me once long ago, "Passion is really nothing more than a form of rage".

My husband had been a jealous man before I graduated from the College of Nursing, but afterward he was jealous x 10, suspicious, and accusatory ... this insecurity destroyed our close relationship, and nearly ended our marriage.

He tapped our phone (back when all there was were landlines): he bought a recording device from Radio Shack called a "Duofone" that began taping upon 5 seconds of continuous sound, then had the phone company come install a jack in our outdoor laundry room while I slept (I worked nights, he stayed home for the first 2 years to care for our infant) and he hid it in an old box on a shelf - I never even knew if was there, or imagined he would do such a thing. He recorded and listened to ALL of my phone calls for over 2 years.

He set an alarm on his watch to remind him my shift ended - if I was delayed due to a code, being behind in charting, or lack of time management due to being a new grad there was hell to pay. He never hit me, but the psychological torment was ghastly.

He also kept a diary that I found a couple of years later documenting the exact times I arrived home from work everyday.

If I went out to run errands or shop alone (something he rarely allowed me to do) I got the Inquisition upon arriving home. "Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing?". Offering up time stamped receipts for gas, grocery store, etc., with explanations, "Traffic was bad ... I compared prices ...", never satisfied his suspicions, and the cold war would ensue (he would not speak to me - he would sit and glare at the TV with an angry look on his face all night - the anger vibes radiating off of him were palpable. Sometimes it would last for a week or more). He was just sure I was having an affair with "a doctor" (snort) and said so often.

My mother died not long after I graduated from nursing school - I had no one else to turn to for support. I was 27 at the time, but we had gotten married while I was still in high school - I had never lived on my own. Plus he put all sorts of fears into my head: he told me I wouldn't be able to make it without him, or if I left him he would sue me for child support and full custody of our infant, and on and on.

The man he became hardly resembled the one I fell in love with ... and the emotional abuse inflicted had me afraid of my own shadow.

Eventually enough was enough - I finally had all I could possibly stand and then some, and I belatedly grew a pair big enough for an army (apparently something that had been long overdue - I was a late bloomer). Ultimately he was given a choice: change (and fast) or be single.

He chose change, but the relationship had sustained far too much damage by then to ever be what it once was. It had already withered and died. I don't think that was something he had ever stopped to consider back when he was making plans to tap our phone, while listening to all my phone calls, or leveling countless accusations at me that he thought I was having an affair with "a doctor" - because he was feeling insecure. I really don't think he ever realized there could be a point of no return then. But one thing we both found out the hard way was lack of trust is the kiss of death for a relationship.

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3ringnursing has 25 years experience as a BSN and specializes in ICU; Telephone Triage Nurse.

1 Article; 8,381 Visitors; 542 Posts

The red flags in the OP's posts are glaringly obvious. No, we don't know the husband's side and no we don't know how she treats him. All we know is that she says he "gets mean" and that he doesn't want her to start school because he believes his education (although he appears to have done nothing about it) comes first. Perhaps leaving him is premature, but I hope to the heavens that the OP at least considers the idea that her husband may be controlling and abusive and explores that idea before giving up on her own education to try to keep him happy.

The vast majority of women would never want anyone to know that their marriage might be abusive -- it's something that feels shameful. I am fairly confident that what the OP writes is indeed true. Women don't just make this stuff up.

Counseling is a great idea, but I'd caution the OP as well as anyone else who might be in this situation to go to individual counseling first . . . abusive men are often charming enough to take over couples counseling sessions and get the counselor on their side against the partner. I have seen it in action and yes, lived to tell about it. But almost didn't live.

Oh Ruby ... I'm so glad you had the strength to stand up and live. I hope hamolady, and anyone else who may be living through this kind of hell finds respite and safety. When things turn ugly at home it is not only frightening, but it causes a deep depression.

I thought my jaw was going to hit the floor when I read the sentence: "... abusive men are often charming enough to take over couples counseling sessions and get the counselor on their side against the partner".

This happened to me too. One day my husband made a comment, "Even the therapist thinks I'm right, and you're wrong!". I can't tell you what a terrible feeling that was, seeming to validate all the horrible things he had said about me during arguments. My self esteem took a hit to the solar plexus that day.

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Miss.LeoRN specializes in Cardiac Stepdown, PCU.

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One thing people forget about the "magical" idea of counselling is that the other party has to want to go to counselling. Not only that, they have to be willing to put forth and effort of understanding and compromise, and they need to be willing to use the tools counselling is going to give them in order to better their own relationship and union. The OP has already stated her husband refuses to consider it. He's not willing.

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Yeah I agree that the biggest red flag is he wants to get his degree first... and doesn't have any concrete plans for that. If he were in the middle of a degree and she wanted him to stop so she could get hers, it would be different but... he's not. She's already SIGNED UP for class.

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lifelearningrn has 4 years experience as a RN and specializes in School Nursing.

24,525 Visitors; 2,263 Posts

Thank you very very much guys for the beautiful encouraging words. From the bottom of my heart i truly appreciate it. I spoke with my husband yesterday and it did not end up well. I kept asking him why he would be mad at me for pursuing my dreams to help our little family out in the future and he kept telling me his mom was right about me that he should've divorced me a long time ago. I asked him numerous times why he would be so upset and finally he admitted to me that since he can't cook he does not know who will cook for the kids and he claim he can't take care of 3 kids he will need some help(smh)but when i told him that my parents are willing to help us out when my nursing school starts and he refused and bluntly told me that this was my job to care for the kids and to hold on to my dreams until the kids graduate high school. No sir!!! I am good!! I already made up my mind and he does not want to go to counseling as well so there goes that. Anyways, I am going to start Nursing School wether he likes it or not!!!Thank you to all you beautiful people who took the time to comment back this is just a little update on my side. God bless

He doesn't want to grow up and be a PARENT. This IS a control issue, and an issue of his not wanting to cook or clean while you're living your dream.

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1,275 Visitors; 31 Posts

I commented earlier, but another thought. I've noticed you haven't spoken of him as your childrens' father, but as your husband? Either way, if he talks to you the way you say he has, how do you think he'll treat them if they don't do what he's decided is best? If you have a daughter, why wouldn't he treat her the same way he treats you? Just a thought.

Edited by amok
typo

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Ruby Vee has 40 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

11 Followers; 65 Articles; 170,451 Visitors; 13,938 Posts

One thing people forget about the "magical" idea of counselling is that the other party has to want to go to counselling. Not only that, they have to be willing to put forth and effort of understanding and compromise, and they need to be willing to use the tools counselling is going to give them in order to better their own relationship and union. The OP has already stated her husband refuses to consider it. He's not willing.

Also magic. If he is not willing to go to counseling, it tells you he is unwilling to accept responsibility for the damage he has done or to work on his issues. Seems like a pretty clear indicator of his intentions to me. Magic!

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166 Visitors; 2 Posts

Well, maybe I'm just different or just mean

but I told, yes told.....My husband that I was going to nursing school !!!

End of conversation !

I also told him that before I would not be come a nurse , I would no longer be his wife.

Meaning im going to school, Get over it, or get out !

He finally came around and paid for my education after I was accepted into the program, He also became my biggest supporter !!!!!

When it was time for me to take my state boards, I told him, yes told him,

Look im leaving for 5 days..... Im going to get me a hotel room downtown.

When I return I will be a nurse, and I will still be your wife.

Do not call me unless one of the kids are blue, and not breathing..... Lol

Came home 5 days later a RN.

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