My wife won't stay home alone and I don't get to see my family.

  1. I work night shift from 7pm-7am. My wife is 26 y/o and does not want to stay home alone because she says she feels lonely. She stays at her parents because of this. She has done this since we got married two and a half years ago. We have a baby daughter now and she does not want to stay home even during the day while I am asleep. So if I work at least two days in a row, I do not see my family for that time. My in-laws have even made extra efforts to make her stay at their house easier with a room with a crib and pretty much every necessity for her not to stay at our home. Our house has a security system and is in a nice neighborhood.

    When I am home at night, my wife leaves all child care to me so I do not get enough sleep on my days off. I am attempting to get a dayshift position. There are no dayshift positions in the ICU I work in. One prospect is an afternoon shift position 11am-11pm in the ER.. My wife says she would still stay at her parents so I need to wait for another job. I have told her that I am not getting enough sleep on my days off or when I am working. I get a lot of responses of "you're never here." I have asked her to go to couples counseling but she refuses.

    She is also a nurse and we stayed in this town so she could work at the VA. When I first started my nursing career, I had to find jobs out of town because no local facilities were hiring. I spent my first year and a half of nursing driving an hour out. I have told her that I did a lot to accommodate her nursing career. Is it too much to ask her to stay home at night? And possibly see her and my daughter between shifts?
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  2. Visit Emtmurse15 profile page

    About Emtmurse15

    Joined: Apr '18; Posts: 1; Likes: 1

    28 Comments

  3. by   Rose_Queen
    Sounds like the two of you would benefit from some marriage counseling butnif she won't go with you, going on your own would be beneficial for you. It seems there are several issues with likely varying underlying causes.
    Last edit by Rose_Queen on Apr 30
  4. by   caliotter3
    Seems like you are the one expected to make all the accommodations. The longer this situation continues, the more likely that resentment will build and erode the relationship. Fix it now or end it now, to minimize stress for the child. Your wife refuses couples therapy, go on your own. Best wishes on getting an acceptable family life and marriage, or on achieving an amicable change.
  5. by   MunoRN
    We should just call this what it is, abuse. Your wife is abusive. Pursue the best possible situation you can for you and your child and get out of an unhealthy situation.
  6. by   amoLucia
    You have more problems in your marriage than just schedules.

    You need some counseling as others have suggested.

    Good luck.

    (I hope we aren't being snookered by this post?)
  7. by   caliotter3
    Quote from amoLucia
    You have more problems in your marriage than just schedules.

    You need some counseling as others have suggested.

    Good luck.

    (I hope we aren't being snookered by this post?)
    It certainly sounds like a snooker-worthy post. No one should be that pushed around and asking others for permission to do something about it.
  8. by   broughden
    Emtmurse15,

    Sorry, but your wife is cheating on you. And her parents are helping to facilitate it. I guarantee she is leaving your child with them on nights you are working and going out.
    Seen this way way way to many times.
  9. by   JKL33
    I'll admit that was my first thought. ^

    If your wife was truly mostly concerned about (not) staying home alone, all her problems would be solved by you taking the 11-11 position. And, there's a difference in being truly afraid to stay alone (poor sleeping, anxiety, etc) and "being lonely."

    She seems to be flailing with nonsensical excuses to keep up whatever her actual activities are.

    Sounds like she will need to be compelled to make some choices. Frankly I'd lawyer up before doing one single thing. She sounds like a manipulative person, and yes, abusive as posted above, if your post can be taken at face value.
  10. by   cardiacfreak
    You state your wife is a nurse too. What hours does she work? I have to admit my first reaction was she is cheating, then you stated you have to take care of the child on your days off, so now I am wondering how she interacts with the child. Not every woman is cut out to be a mother. As many posters before me have stated, counseling either with or without her would be beneficial.
  11. by   Ninjanurse51
    I'm sorry, but it sounds like your wife is a bit immature and relying on mommy and daddy too much. She should be at home.
  12. by   Neats
    Being married for over 30 years I can tell you it can be difficult but not impossible to maintain a marriage. My husband was military and most of the time I was like a single parent. It was tough on our marriage. We have been through marriage counseling and individual counseling and that has worked wonders for our marriage.

    Good boundaries I would set for my self and for my child. they include your wife and yourself. I would get into some counseling first if your wife refuses then I would continue counseling and get a good lawyer. I would document interactions. I would make plans in advance and give your wife the schedule. If she has heartburn over that, then work together to find a happy medium. If she does not want to do this, save those schedules and if you need to, give to your attorney.

    I would not wait too long for this to happen. I was raised by my father in a time men did not get custody, he did and that says a lot. In todays world there are a lot of men who are single parents and do a fine job raising their children just like a woman. I would search out a great female attorney who believes in both parents can be equal for raising kids, and file for custody in a place that has a good record for allowing the best placement of children regardless of it being mom or dad, again if it comes to this. I would also ensure if issues arise that the grandparents should have supervised visitations as it appears to me they are more than willing to plant themselves right in your way.
    Never give them a reason to call the police on you, never say anything but supportive things...if you have to get others involved then be supportive because when it is all said and done your actions are what will determine your relationship with your child.

    Legal involvement changes your world I worked in the prison system and have seen a lot. To some extent it is like a game you have to win and to do that you need to be smart and supportive with boundaries. Even going to inlaws for a cook out drinking a beer with your meal could turn into something else, people get mean and nasty.
  13. by   luv2
    Quote from Emtmurse15
    I work night shift from 7pm-7am. My wife is 26 y/o and does not want to stay home alone because she says she feels lonely. She stays at her parents because of this. She has done this since we got married two and a half years ago. We have a baby daughter now and she does not want to stay home even during the day while I am asleep. So if I work at least two days in a row, I do not see my family for that time. My in-laws have even made extra efforts to make her stay at their house easier with a room with a crib and pretty much every necessity for her not to stay at our home. Our house has a security system and is in a nice neighborhood.

    When I am home at night, my wife leaves all child care to me so I do not get enough sleep on my days off. I am attempting to get a dayshift position. There are no dayshift positions in the ICU I work in. One prospect is an afternoon shift position 11am-11pm in the ER.. My wife says she would still stay at her parents so I need to wait for another job. I have told her that I am not getting enough sleep on my days off or when I am working. I get a lot of responses of "you're never here." I have asked her to go to couples counseling but she refuses.

    She is also a nurse and we stayed in this town so she could work at the VA. When I first started my nursing career, I had to find jobs out of town because no local facilities were hiring. I spent my first year and a half of nursing driving an hour out. I have told her that I did a lot to accommodate her nursing career. Is it too much to ask her to stay home at night? And possibly see her and my daughter between shifts?
    I am not relationship expert, but there is a lot in what you are telling us and not writing.
    Your wife's age has nothing to do with this marriage is working.
    First, you and your wife are married, but she does not want to stay home because she feels LONELY. Are you dating your wife? Are you communicating on daily basis? Marriage is a 2-way street. Is your wife working as an R.N?
    Second, you have a child, but your child is not sleeping at home. why?
    When you off are you want to sleep all day and night and have her take on the child? There needs to be a better balance.
    I can tell you love your wife and appreciate the family for helping. Leave the baby over your in-laws and date your wife reassure her she is the one. Have a family day. Even when you are tired change a diaper clean the house the little thing matter.
  14. by   luv2
    Why divorce can we give marriage a chance?

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