Unsupported at home. - page 2

Hi, This is the first time I've done this. Not expecting a reply particularly I just need some sort of outlet for all these frustrations. Does anybody else have problems with a completely... Read More

  1. by   NewbieNurse91
    Yeah I do take your point. I should have been more clear in my specific complaint. All i basically asked him to take the bin out - I came home from 12 hours and it was on the kitchen counter (ew) with the bin juice going everywhere so I complained to him and his response was he didn't know why Ido asked him to do it as I should have done it already. I just don't think this was an unreasonable ask. But maybe people are right and I should not leave any jobs for him, I dunno.
  2. by   Libby1987
    Quote from NewbieNurse91
    Yeah I do take your point. I should have been more clear in my specific complaint. All i basically asked him to take the bin out - I came home from 12 hours and it was on the kitchen counter (ew) with the bin juice going everywhere so I complained to him and his response was he didn't know why Ido asked him to do it as I should have done it already. I just don't think this was an unreasonable ask. But maybe people are right and I should not leave any jobs for him, I dunno.
    That is so minor of an issue, and being the only specific you've provided, that I think you've lost perspective. You sound overwhelmed and on the edge and he sounds exhausted. You guys gotta figure out how to dig deep and be on the same side.
  3. by   amoLucia
    Question - how long have you been married? If you're newbies, you might still be working out the kinks. You do sound overwhelmed. Sounds like he might be needing a dose of being more responsive to you. That's why I ask.

    I had a smarty answer that I would zing at him, but I (you) would have to be prepared for a response that might not be the one you wanted to hear. Best NOT to zing in haste & frustration!

    Good luck.
  4. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Ummmm when was the last time you two had any FUN together? Do you go out on dates? Do lunch? I mean, is it all about work, arguing over house chores and commiserating over who has it worse? If so, no wonder you are unhappy.


    Get the cleaning crew for the house. Solves the tit for tat on who should do the lion's share of housework. Quit comparing who has a harder job. No one wins. Yours is an emotional drain. He spends a lot more hours at work than you do. Both work hard. No one will win the argument and it's a waste of time to try.

    Focus on who you guys are and why you got together in the first place. What brings you joy? What do you have in common? What do you like to do? Hobbies? Do those things if at all possible. Carving out even an hour or two of "couple" time will make a huge difference. Find, if at all possible, a date/time each week to have lunch or dinner or even just a coffee, just the two of you. It will be something you look forward to, and you will get "back to who you are" very quickly this way, having conversation over a nice meal.

    Perhaps even counseling may be needed. But Stop with the comparing already. Just focus on what you can do, the little things, to make each other happy. Support is a two-way street; don't forget. You need to give to get, you know.
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Feb 26, '17
  5. by   Spidey's mom
    Quote from AnnieOaklyRN
    I dated a guy for about a year and we started talking about the future, to include children and he TOLD me that I would be a stay at home mom. I said, that is not what I want to be, he said that didn't matter that is what I would be and he did not want me to work if we had children together. That was my sign to run away, not walk!!!

    Annie
    That is what dating is supposed to be about. Finding out if you are compatible. Have the same values, religion or lack thereof, do you want kids or not, do you want to stay home with the kids or still work, etc.

    There is no right or wrong answer per se . . . it just lets you know if a relationship will work.

    If someone I had been dating had said I had to continue to work once I had kids, I would have taken that as a sign to run, not walk.

    To the OP - I think you've gotten good advise about taking a harder look at what both of you are doing. And SBE had some really great points. Are you still behaving towards each other like you did when you were dating? Like . . . are you having fun with each other?

    A bit of counseling might be a good idea. Especially if you haven't had kids yet. Because that adds another whole layer into the mix.

    And once you bring kids into an already dicey situation, that's not fair to the kids.
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    After over 30 years together, my husband and I still "date". While we always did many things as a family and I treasure those times-----Our kids have grown up seeing us set aside times for ourselves for lunch or dinner dates, just the two of us. It was a way to keep in touch, to have adult talk, and to relax. Hey, it must be working, if we are still happy after all these years. We celebrate 29 years' married this year, through his military career (talk about 21 years of hard work and lengthy separation at times) and my nursing career, and raising kids to adulthood. And we did not want to be that old couple we saw at dinner who just sat and ate and never said a word, literally having nothing to talk about. (that always makes me so sad).... We have great plans for travel and enjoyment together, with our last one soon to leave the nest. We are reaping the benefits of a years-long friendship build on trust, sacrifice and work over the years that is so fulfilling now.

    The point is, you won't have joy, and won't succeed if you don't support each other because things get a lot rougher than worrying over who has it tougher at work, if you are together for life. You go through many storms and if you are not strong, you will break. It's critical to stay in touch as a couple and have fun and enjoy one another's company along the way. You only go around once, and you may as well have fun doing it, I always say!
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Feb 26, '17
  7. by   Oh'Ello
    I've been a nurse for about 4 years now. My husband was shocked/irate/confused/disturbed/befuddled/concerned when he recently found out that I frequently encounter male genitalia at work. I don't think it's uncommon for "the others" not to know what we go through at work let alone what we actually even DO.

    With that said, I don't really have any advice to offer you other than, he'll figure out it eventually....in my experience at least.
  8. by   Been there,done that
    Your husband cannot be expected to understand your stress level as a nurse.
    Vent your nursing frustrations to those that can get it.
    However, he is your husband.. your chosen life partner. He is drained and exhausted also.
    To Hades with the housework. Spend your time off together having fun and remembering what brought you together.
    Prioritize.

    Best wishes.
    Last edit by Been there,done that on Feb 26, '17
  9. by   Julius Seizure
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    After over 30 years together, my husband and I still "date". While we always did many things as a family and I treasure those times-----Our kids have grown up seeing us set aside times for ourselves for lunch or dinner dates, just the two of us. It was a way to keep in touch, to have adult talk, and to relax. Hey, it must be working, if we are still happy after all these years. We celebrate 29 years' married this year, through his military career (talk about 21 years of hard work and lengthy separation at times) and my nursing career, and raising kids to adulthood. And we did not want to be that old couple we saw at dinner who just sat and ate and never said a word, literally having nothing to talk about. (that always makes me so sad).... We have great plans for travel and enjoyment together, with our last one soon to leave the nest. We are reaping the benefits of a years-long friendship build on trust, sacrifice and work over the years that is so fulfilling now.

    The point is, you won't have joy, and won't succeed if you don't support each other because things get a lot rougher than worrying over who has it tougher at work, if you are together for life. You go through many storms and if you are not strong, you will break. It's critical to stay in touch as a couple and have fun and enjoy one another's company along the way. You only go around once, and you may as well have fun doing it, I always say!
    I'm getting a little misty-eyed over here! What a beautiful love story!
  10. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from Julius Seizure
    I'm getting a little misty-eyed over here! What a beautiful love story!
    WHY, thank you! I live in gratitude and joy each day I have with this amazing life partner. It has not always been simple but always worth it.
  11. by   Ben_Dover
    delete
    Last edit by Ben_Dover on Feb 27, '17
  12. by   not.done.yet
    Our job IS hard and draining and can be super emotional, especially while you are still very new and learning to compartmentalize things. I think you both sound pretty stressed, which makes it difficult for either of you to be there for one another. Who works more or harder is never an argument to float or try to win...because ultimately NOBODY wins.

    I would suggest you guys have a plan for meals and clean up. Refocus on approaching one another with compassion and more of a "we are in this together" attitude. Rough years of intense work and effort lead to a strong marriage if approached as it being a necessary evil for you both to achieve the dreams you have as a couple.

    Seek out other nurses to vent to about work. I learned early that my venting about work rapidly made my husband anxious about his own safety or ability to trust should the day come that he would need medical attention. Our spouses are healthcare consumers, not healthcare workers, so our difficulties in our jobs shows the "other side" of healthcare that makes the public fearful. Combine that with a guy who is overworked in his own career and probably chronically fatigued, as well as just a guy, who in general tend to approach problems in a solution-oriented frame of reference....that is pretty much a script for a less than therapeutic reaction when you need to vent. Come here, make some nurse friends, call your mother or sister or whoever you enjoy a good gab session with if you just need to talk something out. Don't forget the benefits of things like walking, meditation, good nutrition and mindfulness to help you deal with stress and be sure you are giving yourself credit for the things you are doing right at work. Invest in some essential oils or get a massage a couple of times a month if you can afford it. Engage in meal planning once a week so that dinner together is something pleasant instead of stressful. Consider hiring someone to clean once a week or once every other week.

    I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Hopefully this is just a glitchy night and you wake tomorrow feeling rested. Marriage is hard. Nursing is hard. Remember, control what you can.
  13. by   ClaraRedheart
    Quote from Libby1987
    The first year is tough no doubt but imagine if the situation was reversed. I don't think I could cope with a husband who came home often crying and venting with no apparent end in sight. Well actually I did have that relationship where I got to the end of my tolerance and lost all confidence in his ability to be a strong partner. I would have given anything had he been able to learn how to cope before I couldn't take it anymore.
    Wow... This makes me feel SO grateful. I went through the emotional swing OP is going through as a new nurse. Feeling inadequate, scared to death, naturally a VERY anxious person. Came home daily (worked nights) dumped on my poor husband BEFORE he needed to go and face his day for over a year as a new nurse. Sometimes I was crying, sometimes I called him after being woken up in 4 hours by our dogs... crying. Gah. I must have been a basket case. I'll be honest, could NOT have tolerated that in him. When he drinks a bit much on occasion and gets emotional it is too much for me Wow... I'm a jerk.
    My husbands response after he couldn't take anymore was to INSIST that I switch to day shift, which... honestly, resolved the issues. It's harder, but I get more sleep, which for me... means that I'm better prepared to handle whatever comes my way without tears at inappropriate times.
    I disagreed and wasn't convinced when he insisted and gave it a try. I guess he was right (he often is, but he'll never read it here )

    My husband has since been the recipient of similar treatment in the last 2 yeas from his best friend when a marriage went down hill, and from my brother... same circumstances. He loved both men as dear friends, and was/is a good listener, but from an outsider perspective, I see the toll that their emotional "dumping" takes on him.

    Quote from SmilingBluEyes

    Get the cleaning crew for the house. Solves the tit for tat on who should do the lion's share of housework. Quit comparing who has a harder job. No one wins. Yours is an emotional drain. He spends a lot more hours at work than you do. Both work hard. No one will win the argument and it's a waste of time to try.
    An awesome idea. I've only been doing this for less than a year, but it helps SO much. I pay $80 for a lady to come and clean once a week. It's worth the to me, because it would take both of us much longer to get the same task done. Time is money. Also, she is much more thorough than I am, and the consistency of her coming weekly means that our house is clean at least ONCE a week, so it doesn't get too far behind. Wish I would have done this as SOON as we could afford it instead of waiting so long.

    My opinion (to summarize) , put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine how he feels. That being said, temper your outward emotional response to what you feel that he can take. It's freaking TOUGH to be a new nurse. Overwhelming, emotional, stressful.. etc. Not everyone is tough enough to bear the emotional brunt that we bring home unfortunately. I was just lucky I guess and didn't realize it. Second... Hire a cleaning lady! That clean house, even if it's only once a week will provide much needed calm to your life. It's worth the $$!

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