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Hi,

This is the first time I've done this. Not expecting a reply particularly I just need some sort of outlet for all these frustrations. Does anybody else have problems with a completely unsupportive partner/spouse when it comes to their nursing career?

I'm a newly qualified nurse, only in my first post for 4 months in an ICU. I'm finding the whole thing very stressful, overwhelming and difficult to adapt to. I often come home crying or needing to vent about a difficult day. It's been putting strain on my marriage as I then often come home to an unclean house, no attempt at keeping on top of the washing and no attempts of dinner made. My husband's response to me today was how can I moan when I only work 3 days a week and have 4 off when he often will do a 7 day week (8 hour shifts). He keeps telling me to get into the real world and making me feel like I'm crazy for expecting/needing help. I don't think he appreciates how drained and exhausted I am this being my first job and the emotional toll a setting like ITU can have on someone. Or am I being crazy and need to get a grip?

Thank you :)

Specializes in NICU, RNC.
My husband's response to me today was how can I moan when I only work 3 days a week and have 4 off when he often will do a 7 day week (8 hour shifts). He keeps telling me to get into the real world

It sounds like you are emotionally drained due to your work. I imagine this did hurt your feelings. That said, this is super kind compared to what I would have said to my husband in the same situation (If I had no days off and he had 4). I would have ripped him up one side and down the next, and some pretty profane words would probably be involved. Of course, we've been together for 20 years, so there is no tiptoeing around happening in this house, lol. I think you may have taken it a bit too personally. JMHO.

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Yeah I do take your point. I should have been more clear in my specific complaint. All i basically asked him to take the bin out - I came home from 12 hours and it was on the kitchen counter (ew) with the bin juice going everywhere so I complained to him and his response was he didn't know why Ido asked him to do it as I should have done it already. I just don't think this was an unreasonable ask. But maybe people are right and I should not leave any jobs for him, I dunno.

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Yeah I do take your point. I should have been more clear in my specific complaint. All i basically asked him to take the bin out - I came home from 12 hours and it was on the kitchen counter (ew) with the bin juice going everywhere so I complained to him and his response was he didn't know why Ido asked him to do it as I should have done it already. I just don't think this was an unreasonable ask. But maybe people are right and I should not leave any jobs for him, I dunno.

That is so minor of an issue, and being the only specific you've provided, that I think you've lost perspective. You sound overwhelmed and on the edge and he sounds exhausted. You guys gotta figure out how to dig deep and be on the same side.

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Specializes in retired LTC.

Question - how long have you been married? If you're newbies, you might still be working out the kinks. You do sound overwhelmed. Sounds like he might be needing a dose of being more responsive to you. That's why I ask.

I had a smarty answer that I would zing at him, but I (you) would have to be prepared for a response that might not be the one you wanted to hear. Best NOT to zing in haste & frustration!

Good luck.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Ummmm when was the last time you two had any FUN together? Do you go out on dates? Do lunch? I mean, is it all about work, arguing over house chores and commiserating over who has it worse? If so, no wonder you are unhappy.

Get the cleaning crew for the house. Solves the tit for tat on who should do the lion's share of housework. Quit comparing who has a harder job. No one wins. Yours is an emotional drain. He spends a lot more hours at work than you do. Both work hard. No one will win the argument and it's a waste of time to try.

Focus on who you guys are and why you got together in the first place. What brings you joy? What do you have in common? What do you like to do? Hobbies? Do those things if at all possible. Carving out even an hour or two of "couple" time will make a huge difference. Find, if at all possible, a date/time each week to have lunch or dinner or even just a coffee, just the two of you. It will be something you look forward to, and you will get "back to who you are" very quickly this way, having conversation over a nice meal.

Perhaps even counseling may be needed. But Stop with the comparing already. Just focus on what you can do, the little things, to make each other happy. Support is a two-way street; don't forget. You need to give to get, you know.

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I dated a guy for about a year and we started talking about the future, to include children and he TOLD me that I would be a stay at home mom. I said, that is not what I want to be, he said that didn't matter that is what I would be and he did not want me to work if we had children together. That was my sign to run away, not walk!!!

Annie

That is what dating is supposed to be about. Finding out if you are compatible. Have the same values, religion or lack thereof, do you want kids or not, do you want to stay home with the kids or still work, etc.

There is no right or wrong answer per se . . . it just lets you know if a relationship will work.

If someone I had been dating had said I had to continue to work once I had kids, I would have taken that as a sign to run, not walk. ;)

To the OP - I think you've gotten good advise about taking a harder look at what both of you are doing. And SBE had some really great points. Are you still behaving towards each other like you did when you were dating? Like . . . are you having fun with each other?

A bit of counseling might be a good idea. Especially if you haven't had kids yet. Because that adds another whole layer into the mix.

And once you bring kids into an already dicey situation, that's not fair to the kids.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

After over 30 years together, my husband and I still "date". While we always did many things as a family and I treasure those times-----Our kids have grown up seeing us set aside times for ourselves for lunch or dinner dates, just the two of us. It was a way to keep in touch, to have adult talk, and to relax. Hey, it must be working, if we are still happy after all these years. We celebrate 29 years' married this year, through his military career (talk about 21 years of hard work and lengthy separation at times) and my nursing career, and raising kids to adulthood. And we did not want to be that old couple we saw at dinner who just sat and ate and never said a word, literally having nothing to talk about. (that always makes me so sad).... We have great plans for travel and enjoyment together, with our last one soon to leave the nest. We are reaping the benefits of a years-long friendship build on trust, sacrifice and work over the years that is so fulfilling now.

The point is, you won't have joy, and won't succeed if you don't support each other because things get a lot rougher than worrying over who has it tougher at work, if you are together for life. You go through many storms and if you are not strong, you will break. It's critical to stay in touch as a couple and have fun and enjoy one another's company along the way. You only go around once, and you may as well have fun doing it, I always say!

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Specializes in Heme Onc.

I've been a nurse for about 4 years now. My husband was shocked/irate/confused/disturbed/befuddled/concerned when he recently found out that I frequently encounter male genitalia at work. I don't think it's uncommon for "the others" not to know what we go through at work let alone what we actually even DO.

With that said, I don't really have any advice to offer you other than, he'll figure out it eventually....in my experience at least.

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Your husband cannot be expected to understand your stress level as a nurse.

Vent your nursing frustrations to those that can get it.

However, he is your husband.. your chosen life partner. He is drained and exhausted also.

To Hades with the housework. Spend your time off together having fun and remembering what brought you together.

Prioritize.

Best wishes.

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Specializes in Pediatric Critical Care.
After over 30 years together, my husband and I still "date". While we always did many things as a family and I treasure those times-----Our kids have grown up seeing us set aside times for ourselves for lunch or dinner dates, just the two of us. It was a way to keep in touch, to have adult talk, and to relax. Hey, it must be working, if we are still happy after all these years. We celebrate 29 years' married this year, through his military career (talk about 21 years of hard work and lengthy separation at times) and my nursing career, and raising kids to adulthood. And we did not want to be that old couple we saw at dinner who just sat and ate and never said a word, literally having nothing to talk about. (that always makes me so sad).... We have great plans for travel and enjoyment together, with our last one soon to leave the nest. We are reaping the benefits of a years-long friendship build on trust, sacrifice and work over the years that is so fulfilling now.

The point is, you won't have joy, and won't succeed if you don't support each other because things get a lot rougher than worrying over who has it tougher at work, if you are together for life. You go through many storms and if you are not strong, you will break. It's critical to stay in touch as a couple and have fun and enjoy one another's company along the way. You only go around once, and you may as well have fun doing it, I always say!

I'm getting a little misty-eyed over here! What a beautiful love story!

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
I'm getting a little misty-eyed over here! What a beautiful love story!
WHY, thank you! I live in gratitude and joy each day I have with this amazing life partner. It has not always been simple but always worth it.
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delete :up:

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