Things you'd LOVE to tell the doc and get away with it....

[nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN]

Since the patient version is so popular, and I had a bad weekend (and no hope for a better one this weekend....)

You've been giving this schizophrenic Alzheimer's pt 10 mg Ambien, plus 50mg Benedryl, plus 100mg Seroquel every night at their NH for years. Could you please, PLEASE explain why you stopped giving it to them when you put them in the hospital? Do I look like a lion tamer?

Yes, I am going to report you when you take the packing out of an abdominal wound with your bare hands, despite me waving gloves in front of your face. That's what the risk management software's for. BTW, did you not see the big isolation gear on the door? Pt. has hx. of MRSA in the wound, and you just stirred in it barehanded....

When I call you at 3 am and tell you your pt's BP is 212 over 179, resp are 32, and O2 sats are 78, could you please say something other than "So what do you want me to do?" Because, one night, I'm going to tell you what to do, and it's going to be something that only a hermaphrodite can physically do.

We all know this pt's a junkie; could you please, PLEASE, not admit everyone who comes to the ER with a pulse tonight? I've got two evolving CVA's and an acute MI, along with my OOB q5minutes Alzheimer's pt, my drama queen post lap chole, and one in restraints that the NH sent simple to get a break from him trying to bite them. I don't need a "demerol, phenergan and diet soda" q4h, too.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

great idea for a thread! thanks for starting it.

yes, i know you went to medical school for four years and you're quite proud of your shiny new "md". but we have lots of mds around here, so unless that's what it says on your birth certificate, please don't tell me your first name is "doctor." (there's one every year, and they're always male!)

don't touch that pump! whether it's my iv pump, my balloon pump or the ventricular assist device, just don't touch it. perhaps you do think you know what you're doing, but trust me, i won't appreciate you messing with my pumps. you're not helping. just stand back with your hands off the pump and tell me what you want the epi drip to be at -- or better yet, tell me what blood pressure you want to achieve and let me titrate the drips.

if the experienced nurse tells you the patient is getting worse, sicker or even "just looks funny", listen.

if the experienced nurse asks you "are you sure you really want to do that, doctor?", you don't really want to do that. really you don't.

if the experienced icu nurse in a teaching hospital calls you "doctor" you're either aged, an attending or are doing something really dumb. if it isn't the first two, stop and think about what really dumb thing you might be doing and stop doing it.

[WYDiceDancer]

Remember telling the admitting nurse at the nursing home that you "don't have any standing orders"? THAT'S why you are getting the call at 0200 for Tylenol. Next time, think about it! ASK THE NURSE WHAT SHE WANTS ORDERS FOR!

[Purple_Scrubs, BSN, RN]

MD does not stand for Minor Deity. You are a person, not a god.

[Chapis]

hope this one lasts as long as the other has. . .

"there, right here, i've marked the spot, now kiss it":lol2:

[SoundofMusic]

Just a few things. I'm not hostile towards docs. . I feel they work really hard -- but I work really hard, too. And I'm with YOUR patients all day long.

So, could you just give me the courtesy of updating me on the patient and the plan, because deciphering the scrawl really isn't helping. Just toss me a few bones now and then, would you? I'm not on the team -- I AM your team.

And please don't ask me to play secretary and call up all the consultants to tell them one thng or another. You guys/gals need to talk. I have way, way too much to do to add that on.

And by the way, you're asking ME for the test results? You want ME to read them, interpret them, know what to do next? Isn't that what you all DO? I can't break that news to the patients. You've gotta BE HERE to do that.

And I was just wondering -- how are you all enjoying that brand new physicians center and lounge? Looks marvelous, all brand spanking new. We nurses are still getting by sharing one tiny filthy dirty break room with every tech on two floors. Our coffee machine is actually off limits to us now, with the so-called "recession." We actually have to bring in our own coffee now. I bet you all have a great coffee machine up there in your lounge, though.

[ShayRN]

If you continue to cuss at me, I will write word for word our coversation in the patient's medical record, then TELL them about our conversation. (OH, wait, I did do that.)

You don't scare me, really you don't.

I have absolutely NO respect for you what-so-ever. Your an idiot and everyone knows it. Now stop screaming.

For all the doctors who thought nothing of yelling at the nurses, but then put their heads down when a patient's family came up to the desk threatening physical violence towards me, You Freaking COWARDS.

[Higgs]

...just say good morning back once in a while would show that you have manners...even if you dont mean it.

[Higgs]

Excellent thread, BTW, looking forward to reading many, many more posts!

[PAERRN20]

I wouldn't let you touch my cat. Every surgery you do the pt either dies, goes septic, or you screw it up some other way!

[beachbutterfly]

This thread is too funny!!!

[beachbutterfly]

Ok I have one....didnt they teach you in grammar school how to write neatly....ABC...