Nursing, parenting and guilt

Nurses General Nursing

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  • by Jen2002
    Specializes in ortho/neuro/medsurg/peds.

I love nursing, but I have such guilt about working. When I have to have someone else put them off to school, or I did not know about their homework, the laundry did not get done cuz I was working. When they are sick I have to choose between nursing and my kids. Does anyone else feel this way? How do I cope or can I?:cry:

allnurses Guide

Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN

11,304 Posts

I know how you feel. I decided to only work part-time. We decided to look at our expenses and cut where we could.

My oldest 3 are adults and my youngest is 7 . .. I can tell you time flies and before you know it they are gone.

I'd rather be with them.

steph

Specializes in ED, ICU, Heme/Onc.
I love nursing, but I have such guilt about working. When I have to have someone else put them off to school, or I did not know about their homework, the laundry did not get done cuz I was working. When they are sick I have to choose between nursing and my kids. Does anyone else feel this way? How do I cope or can I?:cry:

No choice necessary. Either the children stay home with a trusted adult (your husband or partner are their parent too) - or you call out. Period. You didn't accept report, *you* aren't jamming your coworkers when you give staffing enough time to find a float nurse.

My kids are older school aged, so they tell us when they are running low on socks and underwear. They are also responsible for a set of household chores. A family is a team. You are depended on to go to work as well as take care of your family, but that is a two way street. No one is going to help you if you don't ask (or tell, in the case with kids).

I have homework issues here too since both my husband and I work until 11p. So I call home and have them tell me what they have (sixth grade, fourth and second) - and the sitter signs their assignment books and will rat them out if they "forgot" something.

Just like with nursing, you are going to have to delegate some tasks. It makes me enjoy the days off where I can cook a decent meal, read the notices the day they come home and read my little one a story. It also makes me thankful that I can get out of the house a few times per week, so I am not chained to my washing machine, dishwasher and vaccuum. My husband takes on a bit more than half of the housework and parenting responsibilities with our hours - but I double our income, and the kids don't care that I'm not around nearly as much as I do. (When I'm here, they run out the door to play - as they should - and I call them for dinner and homework at dark).

So darned if you do and poor if you don't. Its a no-brainer to me. Make sure you are off for events at school that you don't want to miss (bringing cupcakes on your child's birthday, for example.).

I also have lists - chores list with check off boxes (based loosely on the MAR format..LOL).

Good luck.

Blee

CHATSDALE

4,177 Posts

children understand about 'work' sometimes it has to come first...not when they are sick or really need you but on a day to day basis you need to put a roof over their head and put food on the table..what you do today will put them thru college in the future

i know the guilt that comes but try and make the time you share with them full of laughter, the things you think they will remember they will forget but they will always remember the good feelings of being a family

HonestRN

454 Posts

Specializes in cardiac, ortho, med surg, oncology.

As a single parent I too struggle with the guilt so I have chosen to go registry to make more money and work less. My oldest is 23 and I have two younger (15 & 13) My time with my kids is limited and will be gone before I know it. I would rather have less things and more time with my kids. My kids will have more memories of time with me rather than the things I could have bought them if I worked more. It's a tough decision that only you can make about what is best for you and your family.

StrwbryblndRN

658 Posts

Specializes in CMSRN.

I am totally with the previous posts. I work overnight weekends to be a SAHM for after school and my hubby becomes Mr MOM on weekends. Right now he is full time Mr mom due to layoffs.

I have decided to put in at least one shift extra which lessens the time with the kids. But I have decided that by working, it is helping my kids learn that you have to work for a living and mom/dad can't be there all the time. They accept it and love me tremedously when I am home.

The situation could not be more perfect right now. If I have them all the time the quality would not be as good. But that is how it works for me.

Roy Fokker, BSN, RN

1 Article; 2,011 Posts

Specializes in ER/Trauma.
children understand about 'work' sometimes it has to come first...not when they are sick or really need you but on a day to day basis you need to put a roof over their head and put food on the table..what you do today will put them thru college in the future

i know the guilt that comes but try and make the time you share with them full of laughter, the things you think they will remember they will forget but they will always remember the good feelings of being a family

Now I'm no parent...

But as a 'young adult', I agree with this in general.

My parents sweated and slaved for us kids. My Father worked a thankless job - he wasn't appreciated by management (because he wouldn't bend his conscience and sign on dotted lines for bribes) - for years on end. He despised the conditions he worked under, but stuck through them anyway.

My Mother took voluntary retirement when the company she worked for wouldn't approve a transfer. While she was technically a "stay at home Mom", at one point she was running four 'businesses' by herself.... AND running the household and raising us kids at the same time.

My parents taught me the importance of self-reliance. I might be classified as a "latchkey kid" - I've been navigating public transport since I was in 2nd grade. By age 12 I could cook small meals by myself.

My parents taught me the value of money... not just from instruction and advice but more importantly from example. As I grew older, I accepted the fact that I could not always "have what I want" and hence developed a keen sense of "need Vs want"... which helps me to this very day.

As an adult today, working my job and paying my dues and trying to organize my life; I'm starting to realize the immense sacrifices my parents had to endure just so that my brother and I could have the lives the we live.

This thread raises interesting questions.

cheers,

tencat

1,350 Posts

As far as money goes, we do have to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, and that's not really negotiable. But, if my kids are sick or have a special event at school, they WILL come first. My family is always more important than my job.

ShayRN

1,046 Posts

Specializes in Corrections, Cardiac, Hospice.

I know that I am probably in the minority of working moms, but I have never once felt any guilt about working. I know that my job helps put a roof over their heads and food on the table. I also know that it makes me a better person. I could never, ever, ever be a SAHM. I would hate it. I need to have that mental stimulation that my job provides. I also need that time away from my family to be just Shay. I say that without any guilt whatsoever. Yes, when they are sick I find someone to cover my shift. Yes, I am always off for school functions and have never missed a parent-teacher conference. I have also been a room parent for the kids every year since they were in preschool. My husband or I have been home with them since they were very little. (We work opposite shifts.) This has worked for our family. I told him before we got married that I would never quit working so if he wanted a wife to be at home he should find someone else, lol.

This could all be because I am the adult child of a single mom. Her working was a way of life for me and I always just assumed that I would work as well. Yes, I know my children will be grown and gone before I know it. I always make time for them and we do everything as a family when I am off including grocery shopping. However, knowing that they will be grown before I know it only ENCOURAGES me to continue to work. My girlfriend has been a SAHM since she was 20 and had her first child. Now they are starting to graduate, she doesn't know who she is or what to do with herself. I find that very sad.

Specializes in LTC.

I work full time and I'm going to school full time as well (nursing pre-reqs). I want to get done by school by the time my daughter is in school. So I plan on getting my ASN-RN and then when my children are grown I'll probably go back and get my masters degree. My daughter is 1 right now so it will happen as long as everything goes as planned and I even have a year or two leeway. I work evening shift right now. When my daughter is in school I will either switch to nights or day shift, so I can see my daughter in the evening. Her father is a stay-at-home dad. The house is a bit messy and there are days that I feel frustrated by the fact that I have to work but if I don't work we don't eat simple as that! When I start nursing school I'll pull out loans and work weekends if that. I actually look forward to that! But I know it will be alot of hard work, I'm not fooling myself. Sometimes I feel really guilty but I know this will help me give my daughter the things she needs plus some of what she wants. It took alot of thought for me to decide to go back to school but I knew it was that or work 50 hours a week just to make it.

Jo Dirt

3,270 Posts

I don't have a choice as to whether or not I work, unless we want to live in a van. But I'm trying to get off the 3-11 shift where I work, even if it means finding another job. I hardly ever see my kids between work and their school. It sucks.

Specializes in Ortho, Neuro, Detox, Tele.

I would have to say that the lessons you impart to your kids during this time are invaluable. I can remember walking home or bumming rides after school events/practices when mom/dad couldn't be the ride.....

My parents divorced when I was 6, but I always had the things I needed...and two birthday events/christmases/etc....

My mom worked for 20 some years as a chemist for a major oil company...thankfully, it afforded us lots of nice things and the ability to do whatever we needed to do. She worked lots of swing shifts, so I made a lot of dinners...which is part of the reason that I know how to cook today as a almost 30 something man.

My dad was a self-employed realtor who went on showings 7 days a week....while most kids were used to spending their weekends hanging out, watching tv, doing stuff....I usually wound up doing yardwork, home improvements, office work, or just some kind of project. I missed out on a few kid things...but I gained a whole heck of ability when it comes to handy stuff, learning how to be professional, knowing when it is time for fun/work. My work ethic has always been instilled deep inside me.

If you make the kids part of the team, and let them do whatever they can....plus making sure that there are consequences for not doing their homework/chores....they will appreciate it later on. Kids learn that mom/dad have to work so that clothes/food/bills can be paid and life can be comfortable.....guilt is a normal part of our job...I'm sure that when I have kids I'll feel the same way. keep on keeping on.

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