need help for severe depression

needs help · Sep 12, 2005

Today 04:51 AM JessicaGmz I suffer from clinical depression, and it is at it's worst during the bitter winter days. I know how debilitating it can be, but you can get help. Therapy, counseling, proper diet and excersice and the right medication that works for you will help tremendously.

Seek and get all the help you can get. You are not alone in this. You are still young and have many years of dedication and enjoyment of your career ahead of you. Please take care and best wishes to you.

JessicaGmz, I take my meds like my psychiatrist says, I try to make myself eat, but it's hard since I don't feel hungry, and I take many vitamins. I cannot exercise due to the rod in my neck (from 3 herniated discs,two that were fused, and cervical stenosis that resulted in loss of feeling & function as well as pain & numbness in both arms---some of which is still there and will never go away), the herniated disc in my low back that is touching the spinal cord (that no one wants to operate on since they believe the injury is permanent & surgery will not help the symptoms) that causes me to be in constant pain no matter what I am doing.

I may be relatively young (my son disagrees with that) but there is no more years of dedication or enjoyment for me in the nursing field. I have been told that I will never be able to return to work. Besides I don't think anyone would like to have a nurse taking 80mg of oxycontin in addition to roxicodone taking care of them. I truly hate to say it, and it makes me wish I were dead everytime I think about it, but there is no more nursing for me. I will never be able to return to the noble, wonderful, fulfilling profession of nursing.

Please do not think I am being ungrateful for your response or that I am being rude. I do not mean to be. HONEST!! I am just so frustrated and upset that it probably sounded that way. SORRY!!!!!!

Thanks to you and all who have responded and tried to help me. I am sincerely grateful. Thanks Rhonda

Liddle Noodnik · Sep 12, 2005

Sorry I haven't been here lately. I'm not even sure where I've been lately either. ... My career as an RN is officially over . I found this out last week. Now I am officially '@#$%^*&' lost. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. It's like there is no purpose for my life anymore. My son is getting married soon so he'll have his wife and won't need me. Anyone have any ideas on where to go? (ha ha) I don't like being 38 and a retired cripple.

Hey there -

*** edited - I just read your posts following this one where you described your condition - as to no surgery because blah blah blah - hey surgery could make it worse but it could save your "life", can you get another opinion? and take my comments below for what they are - from someone who didn't know the whole story and my apologies, take what you like and (expleted) the rest LOLOL*****

WHAT aspect of your diagnosis is permanent? A curious thing for a doc to say. Is he suggesting disability? Even if you do get disability you can still work on getting it together, ya never know.

It does sound big and it does sound bad, I hope you have something going with God even informally - that would be bigger than your big and bad!

I will have been out of work 2 years october for my bipolar. I'm still kinda nowhere - I too have looked at those piles of pills now and then. I too had my insurance cancelled. It IS big - you need friends who are NOT going to shame you for ANY of it - and YOU need to not do that - oh the dialogue in my head sometimes - have to tell the committee to just shut the %$#@ UP!

Do something that you ARE good at right now - Find someone who needs something you can do for THEM - it will make you feel strong - For me it is greeting the newcomers to Allnurses on ONE thread - it is not a huge task but I see evidence that it helps people feel welcome - I have an 18 year old who is in slowmotion trying to grow up - he doesn't "need" me either, in fact he takes advantage of me sometimes LOL - I will miss that. But I have a lot of nieces and nephews I have neglected that I can spend time with (I even have a grandniece) if I choose. Which I haven't, really, I still "babysit" my fledgling LOL.

What else was I thinking. Oh by the way I am 46. I am sorry if I am not getting the whole story, I take it you have severe physical stuff going on. I haven't been keeping track on this thread. OH YEAH - the pain meds. You need them. But THEY are probably a major reason you are depressed! Friggin narcotics. I know you need pain relief - if there was some way (forgive me if you have thought of this or tried it!) that you could decrease any of it and use non-narcotic stuff, or pain clinic recommendations to decrease the need - it is WORTH checking out - for all you know you could be one of the lucky ones it will work for. Nerve blocking or TENS or steroid injection or or - they can help you discover if there is one obscure thing you could try.

I feel for you wicked (that's a "Mainerism" for - very much). I have had mostly depression these 2 years off and on, sometimes with anxiety - I too feel washed up and or trapped - I wish there was ONE thing that could excite you enough to make you look forward to the next day. As to the ROLE CHANGE, my goodness that is so depressing for you, that alone. in 85 when I left nursing for what I thought was the final time, I tried suicide thinking that if I wasn't a nurse I wasn't ANYthing. Ya gotta find out what else you are besides a nurse and a mom. And not feel guilty or "less than" because you aren't those very important things. You don't HAVE to be important. It's all right to be average (dang it LOL).

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Needs help}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

curlyfries · Sep 12, 2005

I can testify that pain medications, those narcs are very addictive and make depression much worse! I've been on pain medications for whenever I had surgery, whenver I get off of it depression hits. Yes pain medications helps but only need them when I am screamingly in pain, otherwise I use non-narc pain medications.

As for the empty nest syndrome, maybe you considering going back to school to teach nursing? First lets take care of the depression cuz it sucks having them! What worked for me whenever it gets really bad is to be patience. I know that depression isn't going to last forever although it did at the time. Eventually with changes to medications and the right combinations the depression will lift. The last time my depression got so bad was when I got off of the pain medications (dilauded) from my renal transplant. It took me two weeks to get over it, few times I almost ended up in the ED. But I came out victorious cuz of my faith in Jesus Christ.

Hang in there and talk with your doctors and tell them that you're still experiencing depression. If you need to go to the ED so you feel safe.

Hugs!

Moi

needs help · Sep 12, 2005

There is no need for you to apologize. There was nothing insulting in your post. Thank you for responding. I was 3/4 of the way thru this reply and my server kicked me off. I don't know why since I have DSL. I am going to have to try and hurry before it does it again. Anyway here goes.

I have been seeing 4 MD's thru all of this mess (since the MVA that is). One was a pain mgmt MD and he has tried the nerve blocks, steroid injections, many many non-narcotic meds, PT, and trying the Tens unit I already had at home. All attempts have had minimal if any benefits. He has since released me at max medical improvement. My family MD, Neurosurgeon, and my Pain mgmt/Rehab MD all agree that I should not have the surgery, that it will probably not improve my pain, and that I will not be able to return to work. I know that equals 4 and I said in an earlier post 2 but I forgot about the 2 I am no longer seeing regularly.

I understand narcotics can cause depression but I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and OCD many years ago so I don't believe the meds are doing it. I also realize my uncontrolled pain issues are contributing to my depression. The cause of the majority of the pain is from a car accident in Nov 2004 and the pain is just now starting to come under some control. Another MAJOR contributor to my depression is financial problems. Since my husband has been disabled for about 10 yrs and social security has denied him (we are fighting that) I was the only one working. Now I am unable to support my family. My health insurance will be canceled in less than 2 weeks if I cannot send them $3,000.00 for my premiums and my current bank balance is $128.00 with nothing due to come in until the 30th, and thats only just over $1,700.00 and just barely covers monthly bills. To make matters worse if my insurance is canceled our medications will be over $2,000.00 monthly. That is mostly why (like I told my husband this am) "If I knew my life insurance was still in effect I would have been dead this am" at least my husband and son would have had the money. (I would have made it look like an accident so they could get it.) Anyway I better end this before I get kicked offline again and have to start over yet again. THANKS for your supporting response. Rhonda

curlyfries · Sep 12, 2005

Rhonda,

I would go to the Department of Social Services and apply for help to pay for your medical premium. Also get Medicaid, temp. assistance and food stamps if you are currently not working. Social Security Administration are very specific to determine what is total disabled, meaning can't work at all with no medical improvement. It is funny because I know many deaf people who are very healthy and refuse to work because they get this "free money" from the gov't.

If you need your Rx right away, go to the Salvation Army, they will help pay for your Rx one time. This should be enough to get you through until you able to get some help from some where. Usually the social worker at the hospital is a great place to start.

Hope it is all well with you and good luck with everything!

Moi

mattsmom81 · Sep 12, 2005

Rhonda you sure sound like someone who deserves to be on SSD...this at least would stop your money worries RT your meds, and also give you enough to live on. Have your docs not suggested it?? Find an attorney to help you file, if you want...they will help fight through the paperwork, and take a percentage of what is owed (you must be out of work for a year to qualify and you get backpay).

Hugs to you...'it is always darkest before the dawn' isn't that what they say? I used the bible to give me strangth...the parts that tell us we are about to become our strongest when we are weakest, because that is when we will reach out for spiritual help (and also community help) I remember feeling as low as you describe, and am here to reassure you things can get better, you can find the right combination of meds to control your pain. But people can help us only when we share with them. Sometimes we must get assertive with docs to get what we need. Keep telling them how bad you are feeling and insist they help you deal with this, and offer alternatives. Please just don't give up. You have a child...who depends on you in ways you don't even understand...and needs you to be at your best.l.

You keep battling furballs (something I lose the battle to regularly) so I know you have the drive to persevere...LOL!!

I had to give up on my nursing too...and the funny thing was, when I gave up on it and let it go, in time a nursing position appeared for me . It is homecare private duty. So...life works in mysterious ways, and God is good. Finding my spiritual center again was paramount for me, in finding a direction, setting a goal, prioritizing. finding a kind counselor helped there too.

I'm thinking of you today and sending good thoughts your way. there are those of us here who can relate to everything you say...keep writing us if it helps. :kiss

HarryPotter · Sep 13, 2005

First, my prayers go out to all of you.

Second, I love what Mattsmom had to say.

Third, I have work related injuries, but nothing compared to what I have read from you-all.

I was taking anti-depressents for years, then I tried "Holy Basil Extract", and it has really worked for me. I no longer take any antidepressents, and feel calmer and clearer. I got "Holy Basil" at my local health food store and take one capsule 2 x a day. Try it.

I do take pain pills, Darvocet for my neck and shoulder pain, and I can relate to all of you about pain. What I find that works is to try and keep my attention off of the "pain" and, yes, prayers and putting my attention on others as well.

I am still working as a RN, now in Public Health, giving immunizations to kids. What is frustrating to me is that my boss keeps putting off an ergonomic assessment, or giving me another desk so I am comfortable on the computer. I just bought my own chair, and, when its put together, I hope that will help, as computer work is difficult, unless I position myself correctly.

Sometimes I wish that I would just be put on S.S. Disability, as I have to fight for everything or anything "extra" and workers comp. takes a long, long time to ok anything.

But, I just have 3 years to go and I will get some retirement benefits from my employer, so I am trying to "stick it out" and be pro-active and also keep my temper in check so that I don't get into the "inappropriate" kinds of behaviors that boss's (at least mine) can write you up for.

If I can be of any help to anyone on this thread, I would be glad.

Some of you talked of "suicide", "ending it all", and so on....please, please do not go down that road. God has a plan for you, even if you don't know what it is exactly.

My belief that God has a purpose for me keeps me going....

Love to you all and God Bless.

Harry.

rnmom3153 · Sep 13, 2005

Rhonda,

I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE AND ABILITY TO SHARE.! I've been trying to post on other threads as to what's been going on and it is so difficult to verbalize and typing takes sooo long! I'm worn out and never have the energy to even get out of bed anymore. I can relate so much to so many posters who have shared and am amazed at the outpouring of love and support. You are an inspiration to me. This is exactly what I was looking for when I posted to the nurses with disabilities thread. There are answers to prayers!

Briefly, please let me share a little of what's happening in my life. I have suffered from SEVERE treatment resistant depression for years. To the point of suicide at one point in my life. I have had a long history of symptoms that are now attributed to "NARCOLEPSY!!!" Much to my amazement because I have been to many doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, NP'S, ETC. ETC. AND NOONE EVER PICKED IT UP!!And it's TREATABLE!!! I probably should have seen it myself...well, I did...I thought it fibromyalgia w/CFS...I have fallen asleep talking, driving, tv, movies, WORKING! :crying2: Which has cost me a job or 2. Doing anything. I'm exhausted all the time! I have NO energy, motivation. I haven't been able to do any of the things I would so love to do.. I can't clean my house and am barely able to take care of myself. I forget anything and everything! I have stickies to remind me to read my stickies and calendar. Yet I still forget appointments etc. I lost my child because of all this and was really "s@#$%d" by my ex as far as contact with him went. He's back with me, but I am nowhere near the mother I want to be, could be or even used to be. I won't even get into the nightmares and sleep paralysis.

I have no insurance, am now unemployed, no family support, my car died last week. After I put a brand new radiator in >$500.00. When my car died, I was on I-95 and the road ranger mentioned that it was incorrectly connected!?

There are no community resources for counseling...I've been trying to get help for a few years. I go to the comunity MHC for meds monthly and last week they would only give me a week's worth. I do finally have an rx for provigil, but no money. It's over $250.00. I've been treated for years for severe chronic pain and have been on >$300.00 a month for meds. I'm supposed to go back next week...but...

I've been rejected for SSD and have no way of supporting myself to just stop working to apply, so I keep on...no matter what. Living in terror that I won't be able to keep working.

After my suicide attempt 6 yrs ago, I was homeless and then again when I was too sick to work. At least I had my car! Now I don't even have that! There is NO public transportation in this area.

My phone is due to be shut off and aol will go after that. This is my source of support, communication, information and just about everything else!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so negative or like I'm feeling sorry for myself...just that this is my life.

I'm exhausted...it takes me all day to type, it's so hard for me. I must try to get something accomplished today!

Thanks for listening, reading my post. Thank you all for all your responses to Rhonda and all who shared of themselves. As for the "pull yourself up by your bootstrap" advocates...God Bless them...I hope they never have to deal with real pain, depression! What a rude awakening!

Please say a prayer for us...there is power in prayers!

Carol

rnmom3153 · Sep 14, 2005

please say a prayer for us hi, just thought i'd check back. havin trouble sleeping. we spent the last of our money on groceries earlier. picked each item out with care and forethought. it sure doesn't go very far. good thing i don't eat much! :stone

nite all carol

mattsmom81 · Sep 15, 2005

Prayers going out tonite for all those who requested them! :)

To those who have been turned down for SSD...EVERYBODY gets turned down the first time I hear. So try try again, with an attorney if you choose...one who specializes . :)

The key is to persevere..and eventually you go before an administrative law judge and you get a chance to show directly your limitations, and explain your unique situation.

I have been researching this...as I may be there myself some day.

Hugs to all...nighty night!

rnmom3153 · Sep 21, 2005

just thought i'd check in. guess it's all been said, huh? still strugglin' but hangin in. :scrying:

Liddle Noodnik · Sep 21, 2005

There is no need for you to apologize. ... Anyway I better end this before I get kicked offline again and have to start over yet again. THANKS for your supporting response. Rhonda

Rhonda HI I am just now reading this. Don't know why but sometimes my notifier doesn't work -

Anyway - thanks for not minding going over your history a bit - a LOT GOING ON, seemingly insurmountable. I guess you just have to believe me that one day you will look back and say HOW did we get through this!

I can understand the thoughts of suicide, that with you gone, at least the money would be there - what I've heard said so many times is that suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem! I had an attempt in 1985 and afterwards I thought, wow! If I had known I could get HELP with this ... cuz I told NO ONE - so tell someone. Maybe no one knows just how bad it is, a doc or a counselor.

I agree that the pain meds did NOT cause the depression. I do think though that they make it real hard for you to get OUT of depression - do you know what I mean? they aggravate the problem. But you don't have a lot of choices right now, I agree.

Do you do support groups or church or anything like that? or have a really really good friend or two that will let you vent and let you be who you are, and where you are? You really need to be heard - I think that getting rid of some of the "garbage" you are feeling inside will make it easier to figure out what you need to do. And the spiritual support - there are many types that you can look into - but for now you can borrow my God if you don't have one. If you ask HE WILL help!

You DO need to be on disability, hope you will get a lawyer tout suite who will help you - they don't charge anything until you win, usually.

As to insurance, based on you guys' incomes you should be able to get Medicaid - discount drug card - etc. Don't feel like a failure having to ask for things you need - you have already PAID for them all the time you and your hubby have been working and paying taxes.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{needs help}}}}}}}}}} I suggest you change your name to "strong survivor" - well I'm half serious! how you talk to yourself can determine your fate in some ways.

Blah blah blah advice advice advice - no I am not giving advice just for your sake because I too will feel better when things are going your way! I wish I could peer into your baby blues/greens/whatever and just let you know that I know it will get better! Just TRUST that God I am loaning you (unless you have one) - tell Him what you need, yell and holler and cry (I even use dirty words sometimes) - and when you finish you will find He is right there with you, and has been. :)

ok enough I know enough LOL - You are in my prayers - God bless you!