Love in the OR - page 2
I recently entered into an intense relationship at work with an anesthetist I have worked with for 3 years. We have always been close, and have worked together as partners, so we thought no one... Read More
Oct 28, '02Occupation: OR charge nurse Joined: Jul '99; Posts: 54; Likes: 2Ah ha! I was wondering when someone would pick up on that. Yes, he is married, has been separated over 2 years, but hasn't made that public. I'm sure I'll really get crucified now that I have admitted this overwhelming fact. Ok, guys, bring it on.
Oct 28, '02Occupation: RN Case Manager Joined: Apr '02; Posts: 4,945; Likes: 27Originally posted by VictoriaG
Ah ha! I was wondering when someone would pick up on that. Yes, he is married, has been separated over 2 years, but hasn't made that public. I'm sure I'll really get crucified now that I have admitted this overwhelming fact. Ok, guys, bring it on.
Discretion is the better part of valor.
Edited to say you could have been more forthcoming about asking for advice and said this was an extramarital affair - not many would have offered support and encouragement, as I'm sure you may realize.Last edit by LasVegasRN on Oct 28, '02
Oct 28, '02Joined: Aug '02; Posts: 250; Likes: 36Hey Victoria,
It certainly is no-ones place to judge you. I would also say, "what defines a marriage" So you say he's married, yet separated, unfortunately hasn't made that public. Bummer for you, as per our culture, It's ok for the man but "wrong" on the woman's part. You know the facts, and if indeed he is separated, and the situation works for you, so be it. Hang in, things work out as they will.
Oct 28, '02Joined: Apr '02; Posts: 884; Likes: 8Sorry, my dear, but....ARE YOU CRAZY!!!
First married men who cheat on their wives (separated or not) will eventually cheat on their mistresses.
Second, doctors have a well deserved reputation for sleeping with the staff, patients, kids' nanny...anyone dumb (sorry again) enough to believe their lies. Has he said, "my wife doesn't understand me?", "we are staying together just for the kids", "we have too much tied-up in property, bank account, IRA's, etc. to get a divorce", etc., etc., etc.
Third, he's a doctor for @#$*!%-sake! Why would you lower yourself!
Now, if you really love him and he really loves you...tell him to show you the final divorce papers before he comes knocking on your door again. It doesn't matter what size hospital you are working in or what people know or don't know or say or don't say...he is using you. And you are the only one who will get hurt...run don't walk.
Oct 28, '02Joined: Aug '01; Posts: 228; Likes: 6are you sure he is separated? have you seen his home or do you have to sneak away to see him. be careful. i am sure the ex is thinking "what goes around, comes around". you will end up hurt.
Oct 28, '02Occupation: RN, MSN student Joined: Mar '02; Posts: 1,223; Likes: 1Well... I can now understand why people would be talking about your relationship.
I'm concerned about why hasn't he made his separation public? Only you know your situation. Like others above, are you sure he's separated? And if he is separated, has he filed for divorce? Not judging, I just don't want to see you strung out (and I don't know all the details).
If he's already filed for divorce, then although it's not "proper" for him to have a girlfriend - I would encourage social activities (dinner / movies) over sexual activities. Does he have any children? If so, stay away from them!!! They don't need to meet you until AFTER the divorce. Don't do anything that you wouldn't feel free to tell them later.
If it's right, it will be right in a year or two when he's finally divorced. If you "lose" him because you expected him to wait till he was clear and free ... then he's not a great catch.
Best of luck to you!
Oct 29, '02Occupation: Psychiatric Research Joined: Aug '02; Posts: 1,467; Likes: 6My husband dated when we were married (I didn't know). Most of his girlfriends thought he was separated, too (brain separated from his other head, probably!).
One of his girlfriends was smart enough to figure it out; she let me know, I divorced him, she dumped him, now he's dating some poor fool in RI he met over the 'net (he lives in Kansas).
If you were both single, GREAT! But if he's married, even if separated, I see nothing but heart ache for you.
Oct 29, '02Joined: Mar '01; Posts: 230; Likes: 4Victoria,
In my experience I told you about, the Doc was married the tech was not. She was dragged through the mudd literally, I felt soo bad for her. She tried soo hard to fit in to the others mold. They would look up words in the dictionary like comcubine and then write the definition and then put her name as part of the definition. He used her and went on she ended up leaving the town she grew up and starting over. It was sad! The worst part of the whole thing is that he joked about her when she was gone.
This group of people was the most demented group of people I have ever encountered in the health care field. I ended up leaving my tech position to be a nursing assistant on the floor just to get away from all of the crazy stuff. When I went to the floor I could not believe I was working in the same hospital!!! Group dynamics play an important role.
I didn't want to tell you the down side to the story before. I just think that you should be careful discuss why he won't come out about his separation. Only you and he know what is at the heart of your relationship and I stand by what I said before, enjoy being in love and don't let others hurt and stress you to the point of leaving your job if you like it there.
Just be careful!! I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
P.S. The circulator in this story was also dragged through the mudd by her fellow co-workers and so called friends and did not end up with the Doc in the end. Funny thing she was the one married, he was single. That was the end of her marriage. I would have also felt sorry for her if she hadn't been so hateful towards the other girl. I felt she got everything she deserved.
Oct 29, '02From: US ; Joined: Oct '01; Posts: 6,238; Likes: 1,829Originally posted by LasVegasRN
.....................Edited to say you could have been more forthcoming about asking for advice and said this was an extramarital affair - not many would have offered support and encouragement, as I'm sure you may realize.
Oct 29, '02Occupation: RN Specialty: CV-ICU ; Joined: Oct '00; Posts: 2,343; Likes: 51Victoria, I have responded to your posts in the past about your impossible work situations etc. You have done so much for this small hospital that the community should thank you. Instead, you will be seen as a homewrecker.
What you are doing now is stupid and all of the hard work and heart ache you have gone through to correct the terrible work conditions in that place will be for nought. The last thing you need now is an extramarital affair. Get your head out of the clouds, put your feet on the ground and THINK ABOUT WHAT THE HECK you are doing! Until this guy is divorced and the papers are signed and dry; don't even think about even a friendly relationship with him.
Think about this, Victoria: in a small town, how can a person be secretly separated? I've lived in small towns before; if you sneeze at 4 AM, 4 people will bless you, then it will be in the papers the next morning. Small towns don't have secrets; and this man is NOT separated from his wife!
Oct 31, '02Occupation: Staff nurse Joined: Aug '99; Posts: 320Originally posted by nursnancy
OK, I'm obviously going to be in the minority with this opinion, but, if you are certain that neither of your jobs will be in jeopardy if you conduct yourselves professionally, why not just tell your co-workers that you are dating? It seems to me that the truth might help to put a halt to speculative rumors. If there is no mystery, they may lose interest in the subject.
If you two are in love then he should have no problems admitting to your relationship and making public the fact that he has been separated for two years. After that the rumours should settle down.
Oct 31, '02Occupation: E.R. Nurse Joined: Aug '02; Posts: 190; Likes: 1LOVE IN THE OR????? Or maybe just lust? iether way he needs to fess up..... I haven't known many to be ashamed of LOVE... on the other hand lust =shame... maybe.
Oct 31, '02Joined: Mar '02; Posts: 1,843; Likes: 1,237hey it's your life...ruin it however you choose! i have a co-worker in a similar situation. her affair does carry over onto the job and it's very unprofessional and distracting. look at yourself in the mirror. are you the other woman who always comes second or worthy of being first in someone's life? if he thinks you are so wonderful, then he'd surely make his separation and your relationship public! he's a letch who can't make a choice or has made one and it isn't you! i know you love this guy, but he's an a$$. face it. i feel bad for you. i was in love w/ a married guy once too and it's a real dead end 99% of the time.